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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Things my husband said to me today

204 replies

Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 20:17

‘Go lose some weight’ I’m 3kg up on pre baby weight at 10 weeks PP. went on a specific weight gain diet in order to avoid iugr this time. Worked too well apparently
‘You’ve got disgusting saggy tits’ I’m breastfeeding and I’ve always hated my boobs
‘You’ve peaked at a mid 30k job, you’ll never get aboie that, you’re not capable’
And some derogatory comment about my education

Oh to be young and in love

OP posts:
AutomaticMoon · 12/02/2022 22:17

Wouldn’t it be better if the refuge wasn’t near where you live? Less chance of bumping into him or family members.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 12/02/2022 22:17

2 and 3 year olds*

TheHumanExperience · 12/02/2022 22:18

Sorry but that's not 'love'.

If you think it is you need to give your head a wobble.

How long have you been with him, has he always spoken to you in this way?

You must know this isn't how a loving partner would speak OP.

Ohdofuckofdear · 12/02/2022 22:19

www.womensaid.org.uk/. They're help has been amazing OP for so many women and they're DC.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2022 22:20

You need better legal advice.

You need to call Women's Aid.

If this is applicable, reach out to the Muslim Women's Network.

You have two children who need to be protected from this man. You have no guarantee that they will choose to live with you after ten years of seeing you brought to the point of destruction. Don't kid yourself that children will always choose the underdog.

Nobody is going to emerge unscathed if you stick to your plan.

EarthSight · 12/02/2022 22:21

‘You’ve got disgusting saggy tits’

If you stay with him after comments like this, there is a really strong change that he will end up treating you worse, because you've stayed and because he can. It doesn't matter how awful the comments were, that will be his take on it and it will be the new normal.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 22:23

@TheHumanExperience

Sorry but that's not 'love'.

If you think it is you need to give your head a wobble.

How long have you been with him, has he always spoken to you in this way?

You must know this isn't how a loving partner would speak OP.

Oh of course my comment was sarcastic as it’s quite clearly the opposite of love
OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 22:25

10 years or so was the advice on my other MN thread. Realistically I don’t think I can stick it out that long.

Just enough time for me to get a better paying job, I’m going to apply whilst on mat leave

OP posts:
TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 12/02/2022 22:27

I’m sorry OP. My first thought was LTB but having read about him being from a certain ‘culture’ I know exactly the type of man you’re talking about as I’m very familiar. The type that will do anything to make the life of the woman (who dared to leave him) a complete living hell. They have no concern about their kids as long as they’re punishing the mother it’s all good. Also this way you over see everything so you have control over their welfare but co parenting with these types of POS is even worse as they play all sorts of games, play fun time dad to the extreme despite being awol during the relationship. Trust me I know.

What I suggest is make sure you keep hold of the passports so he doesn’t do a runner to the homeland (I know of a few that have done this)
Also start logging evidence of all the verbal abuse and then take him to court. Do you have savings? Make sure you find yourself a really good lawyer that will make sure he’s not allowed near you to the kids. If there are extremist anti western views make notes of them, any evidence even better. These men really need to know they’re in the wrong country for this sort of S* Flowers

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 12/02/2022 22:29

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

WTF475878237NC · 12/02/2022 22:30

Ten years! Watching their beloved mum get treated like this for 10 years would do so much damage. Even if they themselves felt protected from the abuse. Far worse than being in a shared care arrangement with a paternal grandmother. I get that you feel you're doing the right thing and it's about the least bad option here, but subjecting yourself and the kids to his tyranny isn't the way to go for the next decade.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 12/02/2022 22:32

I grew up with both poverty and a dad who abused my mum. If I could've got rid of one, it would've been the abusive dad.

Poverty isn't too bad at all with people who love you and a good atmosphere in the home, it's only tough in the cold months, then you all snuggle together.

Abuse, even not directed at the child, messes you up for life. Mothers think they can shield the children from it, and you can, but only by making it stop, not by concealing.

lisaandalan · 12/02/2022 22:35

Get rid of him, he's jealous you have had a baby and he won't be able to have your sole attention. Please make him leave he will get worse.
He should adore you even more you have given him a wonderful baby. He's nothing but a cunt and probably has a lot of flaws himself that's why he's digging at you jealously is ugly.

kobacat1981 · 12/02/2022 22:37

Sorry but what an abusive piece of s*. You deserve so much better than this. He sounds like a bully who is just willing to pick at anything. Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing @Sleeplessem?

lisaandalan · 12/02/2022 22:39

Go to a refuge and take your kids with you, then he won't know where you are and he won't have access to your children. X

BOOTS52 · 12/02/2022 22:46

Congrats on your baby and I have never said ltb but there it is. He has shown who he really is and he obviously is not a very nice or respectful person. You are the mother of his baby and he talks to you like that putting you down about your body and education/job. He sounds like a right dickhead. He will only get worse and most abuse begins either when pregnant or have the baby as the man is not getting all the attention. I could not be with someone who talked to me like that ever. Have you got family/friends for support. I would pack his bag and tell him to just piss off to wherever and have some family/friend to give you the support you need and not this abuse. No apology would work after those words as he has been downright nasty. Sorry you are going through this and hope you get to enjoy your lovely baby without this nasty man around. Am very angry that men think it is ok to talk to a woman like this when she is most vulnerable. Men watch too much porn and think everyone should have fake boobs . Bet you are lovely and he is nothing special to look at.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 22:50

@BOOTS52

Congrats on your baby and I have never said ltb but there it is. He has shown who he really is and he obviously is not a very nice or respectful person. You are the mother of his baby and he talks to you like that putting you down about your body and education/job. He sounds like a right dickhead. He will only get worse and most abuse begins either when pregnant or have the baby as the man is not getting all the attention. I could not be with someone who talked to me like that ever. Have you got family/friends for support. I would pack his bag and tell him to just piss off to wherever and have some family/friend to give you the support you need and not this abuse. No apology would work after those words as he has been downright nasty. Sorry you are going through this and hope you get to enjoy your lovely baby without this nasty man around. Am very angry that men think it is ok to talk to a woman like this when she is most vulnerable. Men watch too much porn and think everyone should have fake boobs . Bet you are lovely and he is nothing special to look at.
That’s very kind, but I don’t have the family or friends who would support. One day soon though
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2022 22:50

Your poor kids. No one is advocating for them.

teaandchocolate1 · 12/02/2022 22:54

I know you can't leave right now, and I understand it, but I'm proud of you for making a long term plan of leaving him. Fantastic xx

MingeofDeath · 12/02/2022 22:54

Is he always such a cunt?

MMM0003 · 12/02/2022 22:56

I know it's not easy just to get up and leave but that saggy tits remark is appalling. Not someone you want to be around long term. Make your plans and go.

Charlotte98764 · 12/02/2022 23:01

I’m absolutely shocked and can’t even begin to imagine how hurt you must be. This is not normal or OK to be spoken to like this. You have given him the most amazing gift and he thinks it’s okay to talk to you in this way. You deserve so much better

Bunty55 · 12/02/2022 23:02

OP I feel sad after reading this thread.
Save your children from watching their father treat you like shit. You owe it to them to get away.
It's never going to get any better, in fact it will get worse and they will experience abuse and think it is normal behaviour.
Get out.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 23:09

What’s really sad and a bit of a classic mn trend of piling on someone who’s struggling a bit. When I posted a thread titled ‘help me leave my husband’ it didn’t that many replies, most were actually kind but here lots of women are quick to pile on me and tell me how I’m making excuses or letting my kids down. I think that’s quite sad.

I am leaving my husband, I will. I spent quite a bit of cash chatting to a few solicitors and it’s not viable rn. The MN suggestions from my previous thread was to wait it out until they can chose.

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 12/02/2022 23:23

@Sleeplessem

What’s really sad and a bit of a classic mn trend of piling on someone who’s struggling a bit. When I posted a thread titled ‘help me leave my husband’ it didn’t that many replies, most were actually kind but here lots of women are quick to pile on me and tell me how I’m making excuses or letting my kids down. I think that’s quite sad.

I am leaving my husband, I will. I spent quite a bit of cash chatting to a few solicitors and it’s not viable rn. The MN suggestions from my previous thread was to wait it out until they can chose.

Sorry OP I did not read the other thread. I just read this one and felt sad for you. If I piled on I apologise, but it came from a good place x x
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