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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Things my husband said to me today

204 replies

Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 20:17

‘Go lose some weight’ I’m 3kg up on pre baby weight at 10 weeks PP. went on a specific weight gain diet in order to avoid iugr this time. Worked too well apparently
‘You’ve got disgusting saggy tits’ I’m breastfeeding and I’ve always hated my boobs
‘You’ve peaked at a mid 30k job, you’ll never get aboie that, you’re not capable’
And some derogatory comment about my education

Oh to be young and in love

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 12/02/2022 23:25

Until family courts recognise that dysfunctional, abusive men cannot be good fathers, women like OP will be stuck.

Want to do something about it? Put the energy you’re using to bash OP into that instead.

Barleysugar85 · 12/02/2022 23:30

Really sorry to see this OP. I'm on Mat leave myself with my second and can't imagine hearing such hurtful things from my partner.

The only thing I would say is make that plan as short as possible if you can. Months/ end of maternity leave potentially. I work with an abusive bully of a boss and instead of moving on I wanted to wait it out for years while trying for a baby so I wouldn't lose maternity benefits. It made sense in my head but I can't emphasise how that hateful voice starts to get inside your head and become your own. You can't build yourself up with something so toxic undermining it day in day out.

Now I'm finally ready to start looking elsewhere work wise I feel like my confidence is through the floor compared to where it used to be and I am caught in this spiral of I need to leave my job to build myself up but until I do leave my job I can't build myself up. I think the longer you stay the harder it will get to leave.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2022 23:38

There was a post here to the effect that you didn't tell the solicitor you spoke to about the abuse.

Is that true?

suzy2b · 12/02/2022 23:43

What on earth are you doing having more children with him

wingscrow · 12/02/2022 23:45

And the only thing I think you need to say to him in response is 'I am divorcing you arsehole'...

What a creep.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 23:47

@mathanxiety

There was a post here to the effect that you didn't tell the solicitor you spoke to about the abuse.

Is that true?

No I didn’t say that, I’ve told the solicitor our marriage has broken down and he is verbally abusive but as a PP said the solicitor advised that whilst horrible and unfortunate that’s unlikely to impact child custody. It’s sucks but you see it on MN all the time, courts mandating visits with parents who’ve beat kids before.
OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 23:50

@suzy2b

What on earth are you doing having more children with him
@suzy2b, please don’t be that person. The one who sees someone having a tough time and piles it on and kicks them when they are down.

I’ve explained how my kids came to be upthread.

I’ll never regret my children, they are wonderful.

I don’t think I’ll be engaging with this thread more, the piling it on comments have become quite upsetting.

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 12/02/2022 23:52

What would you like to happen OP to make life better ?

Teenagehorrorbag · 12/02/2022 23:54

@Mouthfulofquiz

Things my husband said to me today: ‘You look nice!’ ‘I can’t wait to go to the rugby with you this afternoon’ ‘What can I cook us all for dinner tonight?’

You don’t have to be married to an arsehole. It’s not normal to speak to your spouse like this.

This!!

OK. my DH isn't quite as good with the compliments, and can't cook, but no normal nice human being would ever speak to anyone the way you've described! Your OH wouldn't speak to a stranger, or a work colleague like that so why does he think it's OK to say such things to you?

I'm so sorry as you have a baby together, but you need to make plans to leave him and as soon as possible. He has no respect, and he won't improve. Any one of those comments would be utter shit but all in one day? And to someone who has just given birth to your child?

It's not just nasty but smacks of control and domination, and could escalate into violence. Please leave.

suzy2b · 12/02/2022 23:55

Sorry when I wrote that I hadn't read what you had said, Yes your best bet is to try and squirrel some money away until you have enough to leave

PickAChew · 13/02/2022 00:04

Well isn't he a charmer.

Wonder if he will use those lines on the next woman to fall for him.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2022 00:06

@Sleeplessem

I have a plan:

Document everything, it’s one of the reasons I use MN.
Work on my confidence
Lose 5kg
Work my butt off when I go back to work and get a new job and promotion
Protect dcs
When they can articulate where they’d like to stay and who they don’t want contact with
Build a network of friends, I’m quite isolated
Get a side gig
Squirrel money away, transfer to a loyal friend (find loyal friend first)

Then
….adios amigo

I’d thought my late father would have left me some money so I could leave earlier, but my mother took it all

OK, so this is a pretty good plan all things considered.

Of course it would be best if you could just up sticks and leave. And if he was violent I'd tell you to run and devil take the hindmost.

BUT, you indicate that he is not violent, that you and the children are in no physical danger, correct?

In that case, you have made a deliberate decision to wait it out until the children are older and you're in a better position to leave. Fine. But you need to be constantly evaluating and reevaluating the situation, especially regarding the effect your home life, his words, and his family are having on the children. And you do need to be ready to leave at any time if he begins verbally abusing the children.

The problem is that 'hypervigilance' comes at a deep 'mental' cost. It's exhausting! If I were you I'd try to seek out some type of support group or counseling to help you cope. If, that is, you can do it on the down low.

And yes, a big priority should be to make friends. The more support you have around you, the better.

Strawberry33 · 13/02/2022 00:08

Sorry op but it’s neglect and abuse letting your child grow up with that in the home.
I did… and I regret it everyday of
My life that I wasn’t aware of how damaging it would be for my kids. Get out now. Deal with the custody arrangements after. One
Step at a
Time

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2022 00:08

Oh forgot.

Have you consulted a solicitor about the money you expected from your father? Could there be any legal claim or were you simply expected your mother to honor your father's wishes?

I think I remember a prior thread you started. Sorry you're still stuck.

CatonaHotTinWoof · 13/02/2022 00:10

Are you able to leave or make some form of arrangements for leaving?

I once had a fairly verbally abusive partner and my (later) therapist said to - whatever he said, says more about him than me (even if the comments were accurate).

He’s being really nasty. Those words are designed to get you to feel small, to feel unworthy. From my experience, it doesn’t get better!

If he cannot respect you, he needs to go. I hope you have family and support nearby.

AutomaticMoon · 13/02/2022 00:25

@CatonaHotTinWoof OP has already said she doesn’t have family or friends who can support her.

hookiewookie29 · 13/02/2022 00:27

I take it he's perfect......

Gonnagetgoing · 13/02/2022 00:34

You really can leave now. In 10 years time you’ll look back and wonder why you stayed and be furious with your ex partner and yourself.

He’s emotionally abusive, that’s grounds for divorce.

Used to work for a solicitors and the amount of women who wanted to divorce husbands but couldn’t due to finance. The ones who did divorce it had got so bitter over the years it was pitiful really.

Don’t be that woman who years on your kids ask why didn’t you divorce?

My own parents divorced when I was 5 but dad was an alcoholic who refused to stop drinking or get help for it. Mum met stepdad a couple of years later. Best thing ever.

cherrysthename · 13/02/2022 00:35

I'm sorry about some of the horrible posts you've had here OP.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/02/2022 00:36

[quote AutomaticMoon]@CatonaHotTinWoof OP has already said she doesn’t have family or friends who can support her.[/quote]
@AutomaticMoon my mum had supportive parents in words but not finance or childcare.

Dad’s parents wanted to kidnap his son from his first marriage so my mum wanted nothing to do with them or him and only wanted the house which she got.

You’ll find support if you want it badly enough.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/02/2022 00:38

@cherrysthename

I'm sorry about some of the horrible posts you've had here OP.
@cherrysthename - I’ve not read whole thread but probably some posters are wondering why she’s putting up with his shit.

Who knows?

Nillynally · 13/02/2022 00:47

My husband has never once spoken to me like that in 15 years. I'd like to say he wouldn't dare but honestly he just doesn't have it it in him. Ditch the fucker and sort out the MiL.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/02/2022 00:47

Ok at a rough guess culturally he’s Muslim or other religion?

Please speak to a family law solicitor maybe with experience of this. He doesn’t have to get 100% custody. Are there solicitors from the culture where you’re/he’s both from? I say this as I worked in a firm who was mostly British but we had an Iranian solicitor. If anyone rang saying eg sharia law quoted at them he’d be sympathetic but refer to our British family divorce lawyer who’d support them. The Iranian was very liberal and a non practising or very little Muslim.

BadBiscuits · 13/02/2022 00:48

Of course your DHs behaviour isn’t acceptable and this isn’t an excuse for it but have you considered the fact that his mum probably abused him too. I know from bitter experience that it’s pretty impossible to change an abusive person however he hasn’t physically hurt you and doesn’t sound like a manipulative psycho. What he’s been saying is incredibly unkind but it sounds like he’s putting you down because he has very low self-esteem himself. Maybe this is something you can work out through counselling?

Gonnagetgoing · 13/02/2022 00:48

Iranian I mean dealt with mostly immigration. law and didn’t practice family/divorce. Not that he wouldn’t have dealt with that side!