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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Things my husband said to me today

204 replies

Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 20:17

‘Go lose some weight’ I’m 3kg up on pre baby weight at 10 weeks PP. went on a specific weight gain diet in order to avoid iugr this time. Worked too well apparently
‘You’ve got disgusting saggy tits’ I’m breastfeeding and I’ve always hated my boobs
‘You’ve peaked at a mid 30k job, you’ll never get aboie that, you’re not capable’
And some derogatory comment about my education

Oh to be young and in love

OP posts:
beachlife18 · 12/02/2022 21:52

If he was my husband, he'd be gone!!!

thenewduchessoflapland · 12/02/2022 21:53

Your less than 5 pounds past your pre baby weight,I bet your tits look great and your earn over 30K.

I don't see the problem;actually I do and it's shaped like your husband.

I smell the scent of a OW.

Either way if he's cheating or no you don't have to tolerate this shit.

TatianaBis · 12/02/2022 21:53

He's very unlikely to want 50:50 and if he got it unlikely to keep to it.

SunflowerTed · 12/02/2022 21:53

@Nowayoutonlydown

Tell him, despite being fat arsed with saggy tits, and such poor career prospects, you still find him to be a repulsive cunt and to get the fuck out of your house.

Disgusting vermin of a man.

Love this!!!!
thenewduchessoflapland · 12/02/2022 21:56

@SunflowerTed

Tell him he’s got a tiny dick and he’s rubbish in bed. Two wrongs don’t make a right but it’s a start!!!!
I hope she's no longer having sex with this POS.
GingerWit · 12/02/2022 21:56

@Sleeplessem

‘Go lose some weight’ I’m 3kg up on pre baby weight at 10 weeks PP. went on a specific weight gain diet in order to avoid iugr this time. Worked too well apparently ‘You’ve got disgusting saggy tits’ I’m breastfeeding and I’ve always hated my boobs ‘You’ve peaked at a mid 30k job, you’ll never get aboie that, you’re not capable’ And some derogatory comment about my education

Oh to be young and in love

This is psychological verbal abuse and psychological abuse us now against the law in the UK.

Tell him to do one. He sounds very resentful of you. What a bully! Don't let your child grow up around this!

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 21:57

He’s definitely not cheating, doesn’t go out to, we’re never really apart so there’s no option.

I do want to leave

I can’t say with authority that there’s no refugee as I took in an acquaintance leaving an abusive relationship 8 months pregnant, she stayed until just before I gave birth the social worker told me there’s not been places in refuges for women really since the start of the pandemic. The woman who was staying with me went to stay with family after leaving mine, still no place for her now

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 12/02/2022 21:58

Stupid men ALWAYS say they're going to use a woman's experience of pnd as a stick to beat them with to get the children, it shows them to be the absolute charmer Hmm. It is contemptible and clearly they don't "know" shit. The fact is, that is in your past, you accessed support. He's fucking redundant in your busy, successful mainly fulfilled life and he knows it.

You've got plenty of examples of his unreasonable behaviour. You've got more concrete reasons to reduce his access and thus his parents.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 21:58

@TatianaBis

He's very unlikely to want 50:50 and if he got it unlikely to keep to it.
You’re right he’d want 100% and his mother would be brought in as childcare. Hence my position of not being able to leave
OP posts:
marthasGinyard · 12/02/2022 21:59

That's completely incorrect

If you need out there are places

They even stayed open in pandemic.

Hopefully it won't come to that for you but it did for me so I speak from experience

Onlyforcake · 12/02/2022 22:00

*sorry ... you accessed support at the time which was entirely the correct thing to do, and not some mark of shame that he tries to put on you.

marthasGinyard · 12/02/2022 22:01

'You’re right he’d want 100% and his mother would be brought in as childcare. Hence my position of not being able to leave'

All bollox this would never happen get a solicitor asap

cherrysthename · 12/02/2022 22:01

You'd be surprised how few of these types of men who make threats of alienating you from your kids should you ever split up, have any interest in anything like 50% access. It's just another abuse tactic to keep you firmly where you are and it's working.
That isn't to dismiss your fear. I can completely understand why you feel stuck. Some people have no idea there is a real person reading their breezy 'LTB' Thanks

WTF475878237NC · 12/02/2022 22:01

What is your long term plan here then OP? Ride it out and hope this is the least bad option for your children?

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 22:02

@marthasGinyard

That's completely incorrect

If you need out there are places

They even stayed open in pandemic.

Hopefully it won't come to that for you but it did for me so I speak from experience

I can only comment on what the sw told me
OP posts:
TatianaBis · 12/02/2022 22:02

You’re right he’d want 100% and his mother would be brought in as childcare. Hence my position of not being able to leave

Well he certainly would get 100%. But with abusive men, when it comes to the crunch they often can't be arsed with the hassle of having the kids 50:50 and they mainly threaten it to torture their wife. Even with his mum for childcare - it still involves input from him.

loopycurtains · 12/02/2022 22:03

You mention that he's from a non-Western culture. If you left, is there a chance that he could run off with them to a different country that would support his 'right' to keep them there? I totally get your fear over 50/50. Most men don't follow through but some do, and it's so damaging for the kids. I believe psychology research shows that the worst outcome for 50/50 kids is when one parent wants it for 'fairness' rather than considering the kids needs. Your 'D'H sounds like another level.

TatianaBis · 12/02/2022 22:04

@cherrysthename

You'd be surprised how few of these types of men who make threats of alienating you from your kids should you ever split up, have any interest in anything like 50% access. It's just another abuse tactic to keep you firmly where you are and it's working. That isn't to dismiss your fear. I can completely understand why you feel stuck. Some people have no idea there is a real person reading their breezy 'LTB' Thanks
Yep.
JazzyJelly · 12/02/2022 22:06

Patio

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 22:07

@loopycurtains

You mention that he's from a non-Western culture. If you left, is there a chance that he could run off with them to a different country that would support his 'right' to keep them there? I totally get your fear over 50/50. Most men don't follow through but some do, and it's so damaging for the kids. I believe psychology research shows that the worst outcome for 50/50 kids is when one parent wants it for 'fairness' rather than considering the kids needs. Your 'D'H sounds like another level.
No he couldn’t, he’s only a UK passport holder and our kids don’t have passports at all so there is no danger of that, thankfully
OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 12/02/2022 22:10

@WTF475878237NC

What is your long term plan here then OP? Ride it out and hope this is the least bad option for your children?
It’s to actually be able to have a life and to be able to support myself and the kids, nothing glam but enough to give them a good life. I need to earn more, not millions but more

It might be hard for some people to get but I literally have no one, I know people say it but I really really do have no one, for instance, If I died tomorrow (hypothetically not that I’m in any physical danger, I’m not btw) maybe 3 people would come to my funeral and they’d most likely be wok colleagues everyone else I know would most likely be ‘busy’

OP posts:
musicviking1 · 12/02/2022 22:11

What a vile man. My DH wouldn't be coming anywhere near my body again if he said things like this.

Ohdofuckofdear · 12/02/2022 22:16

Contact women's aid,there is help out there I promise you!

I've been where you are and I've helped 2 other women that I know access help from women's aid and I helped them get away.

Years later and they're abusive now ex husband's still don't know where they went and they never will and they both have DC as well.

AutomaticMoon · 12/02/2022 22:16

@Sleeplessem

For all those attacking me, I literally have nowhere to go. There are no refuges around me. I don’t have the finances nor support network and I’m not entitled to any support in terms on benefits

My leaving my husband isn’t contingent on me losing 5kg, but it’s something I’d like to do for me to feel good about myself.

I keep money in PayPal and Wise, would that be an option for you?

I recommend the Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube for cPTSD helpful knowledge and Pete Walker’s book on cPTSD. Survivors who undergo a lot of Adverse Childhood Experiences or just a generally abusive childhood can get this. It’s like DESNOS which is something soldiers would get in war, it comes from being trapped in an abusive situation for a long time. It’s very unpleasant because it distorts survivors’ perception of pretty much everything.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 12/02/2022 22:17
  1. Collect evidence of abuse, finances and I'd
2.when he goes out, change the locks 3.phone the police
  1. Take him to court, coercive control, occupation order
  2. Plan your own life and freedom from the comfort of your home

There is a way where there is a will, OP. You don't even need to go to refuge. Stop making excuses. Yes I did this with no job, no car, a 3 and 3 year old with special needs, autism myself, nobody to help and a wedge of debt.

Stop making excuses.