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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 10/02/2022 22:19

I think he should fuck off away. One way...

WashableVelvet · 10/02/2022 22:22

I’d be ok with that. DH and I both try to have a weekend away with friends once or twice a year. Much as I love the kids, it’s a great treat to get away without them!

StarbucksSmarterSister · 10/02/2022 22:22

I think he should fuck off away

I couldn't agree more. He sounds like a complete arse.

Tittyfilarious81 · 10/02/2022 22:24

Sorry but I'd be really hurt by that

bert3400 · 10/02/2022 22:25

Can you not compromise and do something before his birthday, with friends and family, then he can go in his birthday weekend with the lads. For my fiftieth we had a big meal out but then I went away with my girlfriends as that's what I really wanted to do. My DH didn't mind, he knows how important my friends are to me.

KERALA1 · 10/02/2022 22:25

A friend had a "girls night out" for her 40th no husbands or partners. I thought it was abit odd at the time to be honest. Few months later announced their divorce. Wasn't surprised.

Daisy4569 · 10/02/2022 22:25

Oh I can see both sides! I think he could have asked if you’d mind (especially as it leaves you with the kids all weekend) and he probably should have phrased his reasons better. Tbh though I wouldn’t take it personally, I know my other half has a different type of fun with his friends (as I do with mine) and it’s hard if your kids are little to really relax. I’d explain how it’s hurt your feelings though!

StarbucksSmarterSister · 10/02/2022 22:26

DH and I both try to have a weekend away with friends once or twice a year

Yes but this is his 30th birthday, not just any old weekend!

Ikeameatballs · 10/02/2022 22:31

It’s the comment about fun that would really hurt me.

I can understand him wanting to do something with his friends but what does he mean by “we don’t really have fun when we go away”?

DeeCeeCherry · 10/02/2022 22:32

He wants the single life so why did he get married? I bet he wouldnt be happy if you went off with your mates for 3 days on a birthday binge.

Its not that you have to be joined at the hip because youre married; me & DP go out with mates/holiday separately at times. But we dont have young children, and are much older than you. We still spend milestone birthdays together.

He sounds immature

Dazzledrop · 10/02/2022 22:40

Aw yes that’s hurtful the way he’s phrased it! I think if he wants to do a birthday weekend with friends that’s understandable and his choice but should also have some suggestions about how he’d like to celebrate with you and not have been so rude. The fact he is married shouldn’t mean he can’t choose to do a 30th weekend with mates, and wanting to do that isn’t unreasonable in itself, but also he needs to recognise how he suggests these ideas and how he has made you feel.

toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2022 22:43

How old are the DC? Won’t they want to see their dad on his birthday?

Hapoydayz · 10/02/2022 22:47

Ensure you get a weekend away without him to be yourself too. Make sure he looks after the kids and you have a carefree opportunity. If he's not okay with that then you'll know he doesn't value or respect you.

noirchatsdeux · 10/02/2022 22:49

The year my father turned 30 his birthday present was a trip back to the UK - we were living in Australia at the time - on his own. He was away for about 2 months. My oldest brother turned 10 the day before he turned 30, I was 9, my younger brother was 6. My father was 18 when he met my mother, they met in the January, she was pregnant by the end of the same year...

I'm 53, and I now always mark that as being the beginning of the end of us as a family. He came back, and within 6 months had got a job working abroad...and from that time until he finally left my mother for OW 11 years later lived as if he was a single man.

My mother admitted to me last year that she seriously wondered at the time if he was going to come back...

That comment about 'we don't really have fun'...that's beyond hurtful. If he classifies 'fun' as 'drinking'...well that's just immature.

I missed my ex H's 40 - because my mother had had a heart attack
a few days before and I flew halfway around the world to be with her, thinking she was about to drop dead. I felt (and still do a bit) terrible about it. My ex H never made me feel bad about it.

movingon2022 · 10/02/2022 22:49

I think it would have been ok if he said he wanted to do both, go one night with his pals and the next with you and/or the kids. But to dismiss you like that... not cool.

iwishu · 10/02/2022 22:51

Bit of a shame he doesn't want to spend his birthday with you and go for a weekend away the following weekend instead, worst of all he says he has no fun with you, he shouldn't be speaking to you like that.

Sn0tnose · 10/02/2022 22:54

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’

I think I’d struggle to get past this. If he doesn’t enjoy spending time with you, I think you’ve got a difficult time ahead of you.

Bonheurdupasse · 10/02/2022 22:54

Are you sure he doesn't actually mean with you i.e. including children, rather than not having fun with just you OP?
Probably phrased it wrongly but it hard letting your hair down as he'd want on a big birthday with small kids.

Viviennemary · 10/02/2022 22:56

Its sad but he was tied down with a family at a very young age. He just wants to have a bit of fun with his friends for a change.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/02/2022 22:56

He shouldn't have said he wouldn't have fun with you (and more saliently your two very young children), even if true. And it would have been better if he did a lovely meal with you and others on his actual birthday, even if he went for a weekend with his friends afterwards.

I wouldn't grudge him having fun with his friends, and the truth is doing stuff with kids can be "all joy, no fun", but he needs to balance the two.

Onthemaintrunkline · 10/02/2022 22:57

I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. His actions and comments are hurtful in the extreme. He comes across as totally selfish and uncaring of you and the children. His words are cruel.

toomuchlaundry · 10/02/2022 22:58

@Viviennemary he had a choice about having a family at a young age

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 10/02/2022 22:58

What a bloody hurtful thing to say! I second telling him to fuck off. It isn't begrudging anyone "fun" it's his timing and the shitty way he put it. @Limewater honestly? I really would tell him to fuck off.

alfreddo87 · 10/02/2022 23:05

Sorry OP but I also agree with telling him to take a flying fuck against a brick wall. How dare he!

You spend time trying to organise a special weekend for him and he wants to spend it drinking into oblivion and doing god knows what else with a bunch of lairy mates? Nice guy.

WonderfulYou · 10/02/2022 23:06

I think it’s absolutely fine to go out with friends for your birthday!

The issue would be if he didn’t want to celebrate it at all with you but if he wants to do something the weekend before or after with you then it’s fine.