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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 11/02/2022 06:51

You're married now, he doesn't need to make an effort with you anymore?
I'd be upset too.

IncompleteSenten · 11/02/2022 06:52

I would be fine if he wanted to go for a weekend away with his mates for his birthday.

I would be very upset if the reason was he finds being with me boring

That's a potentially relationship ending situation to be in. I don't want to spend time with you because it isn't fun is quite a serious problem.

2DogsOnMySofa · 11/02/2022 06:53

The 'fun' comment would upset me, I'm with you op, if he doesn't have fun with you and the dc, why did he marry you?

Tbh it wouldn't bother me too much, but I'd be arranging a weekend with the girls and leaving him with the dc for my next big birthday

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/02/2022 06:57

It's the way he's done it that raises flags

If he'd consulted with you and explained and arranged to do other stuff with you ok fair enough

But to dismiss your suggestions as dull then announce his weekend away with no discussion is beyond a joke and very hurtful

It shows where you are on his priority list (not very near the top unfortunately).

What are you going to do OP?

GiantSpider · 11/02/2022 06:59

A friend of mine for his big birthday (50 not 30) went abroad for a couple of weeks all my himself - not with his wife or kids or friends! Not my cup of tea but I do think it's up to him how he wants to celebrate.

However it was mean of him to say what he did and he definitely could have been more tactful about it.

Shoxfordian · 11/02/2022 07:01

Do you do anything together just the two of you now? It sounds like he’s not interested in your relationship anymore

GalactatingGoddess · 11/02/2022 07:03

No issue with him wanting a night out with mates to let loose, aslong as there's no backstory of him always out/getting far too drunk/you always being left with kids/you never getting a night out with friends...

However the comment about not having fun with you would hurt me deeply and it'd make me question mine and DHs relationship

HeyItsPickleRick · 11/02/2022 07:08

I wouldn't mind DH wanting to go out with friends for his 30th, or even for a weekend, but the comment would hurt me a lot!

hellcatspangle · 11/02/2022 07:08

It's fine for him to have a weekend away with his mates to celebrate his birthday, but he could easily have arranged that for the weekend before or after.

I can totally see why you're hurt and especially his comment about not having fun. Tbh I wouldn't bother arranging anything special for him now. He's made his choice 🤷🏼‍♀️

neveradullmoment99 · 11/02/2022 07:09

@Sn0tnose

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’

I think I’d struggle to get past this. If he doesn’t enjoy spending time with you, I think you’ve got a difficult time ahead of you.

This and the fact it's all weekend? Why does it have to be. You were young when you got together. Sounds like he could have 'unfinished business'. I got together with my dh young and I felt the same way. Always felt I missed out on fun times other had in their late teens/20's. I would say, if it's fine for him, it's fine for you to do that as well. Stick to it. It was always my way of making my dh think if what he was saying was fair.
Flowersandbread · 11/02/2022 07:11

I can't get my head around birthdays on mumsnet, mostly it's "you're an adult you can't celebrate your birthday" but today it's "he has to spend it celebrating with you"

His delivery was terrible OP, that's true but he should be allowed to choose what to do on his birthday. You can go for a family meal or something another day. Is he wanting to go away the whole 4 day weekend? People saying there's 364 other days to see his friends, that works both ways

If a woman said "I just want a break from family life and to celebrate my 30th with my friends" posters would be shouting that she should do just that and leave kids with her husband

lucythejuicy · 11/02/2022 07:21

It really wouldn't bother me

Rainbowqueeen · 11/02/2022 07:25

How rude and hurtful.

That is really hard to come back from.

I would let him know how you feel about how he has approached this. I’d expect a very sincere apology for his attitude towards you.

💐💐
Everyone has different ideas about how they want to celebrate big events. But everyone deserves to be treated with respect and courtesy by their partner and that is what is missing here

SoupDragon · 11/02/2022 07:26

I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from.

Rather controlling.

At least that is what would have been said if the sexes were reversed.

Yes but this is his 30th birthday, not just any old weekend!

His 30th birthday.

SoupDragon · 11/02/2022 07:27

The comment about not having fun with you is hurtful though.

I do think the fun you have away with a group of mates is different from the fun you have away with a partner though.

Thighdentitycrisis · 11/02/2022 07:33

I wouldn’t be making a fuss of his birthday in future, a card and a ‘happy birthday’ would suffice.

whysoserious123 · 11/02/2022 07:34

Sounds great! Saves you a hangover and paying for childcare Easter

Don't forget if he has a weekend away there's no reason you can't for your birthday 🥳!

The timing though Easter weekend is naughty but he possibly didn't realise

And

Saying he doesn't have fun with you is just rude ! But people say rude comments to eachother when they am have been together a while! Tell him he's hurt you with that comment and Ellet him know if that's the way he feels then you won't be making an effort or suggestions anymore

PaulRuddsWife · 11/02/2022 07:36

Him wanting to go away with his friends for his birthday is fine, regardless of it being a 'big' birthday or not. I've done the same in the past and I've been married for 20 years, still love my husband and have no intentions of leaving the family unit as others have suggested might happen.

Him saying it's not fun when he goes away with you is not fine though. I'd be asking him exactly what he means by that. Did he mean a different kind of fun? Do you tend to take control and plan everything without asking him what he wants?

Momijin · 11/02/2022 07:39

I can understand how a father who's been in a relationship since being a teen would like a break on his birthday.

If that's what he wants to do for his birthday that's fine.

Maybe look at doing fun things together as a couple or with friends too?

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 07:40

It’s the fact he was inconsiderate of your feelings that is hurtful. I do understand wanting to go and have a wild weekend away from family responsibility, but he could have done that without upsetting you.

If everything is otherwise good, I wouldn’t make this a huge thing, but I would tell him to be kinder in future. If you are generally happy I doubt he means you don’t have fun at all.

DSGR · 11/02/2022 07:42

I spent my 40th having a whale of a time with my friends. No issues in my relationship at all

He’s young, he had kids very young, let him have some fun for the weekend!
I’d be hurt by his no fun with you comment but that’s it

Barrawarra · 11/02/2022 07:44

I think he should have let you down a bit more gently, but I think there’s nothing wrong with a 30yr old wanting to have drunken fun for their birthday! I’m sure he doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have fun with you, just that he wants something out of his day to say experience for the special occasion, and time free of all family responsibilities. That’s certainly my main wish for my bday!

mizzo · 11/02/2022 07:49

@SoupDragon

The comment about not having fun with you is hurtful though.

I do think the fun you have away with a group of mates is different from the fun you have away with a partner though.

I agree with this. DH and I have been together for over twenty years, we would both agree that we have different fun with friends than we do with each other. Both of us have celebrated big birthdays with friends, however we've made time to celebrate together and with the children too. I'd be really upset if DH said he didn't have fun with me. It's a mean thing to say. You need to have a talk about whether he really meant it.
StellaEllaIsabella · 11/02/2022 07:50

You need to talk. You made a list for him - why didn't you make the list together? He didn't like any of the options on your list - why not?

Looking at this from the other side, I had years of crap birthdays. Every year DH would say that he was going to make me breakfast in bed on my birthday, what would I like? Every year I would say - fresh orange, a croissant and coffee. Every year he would decide that he could do better than that and make me a fry-up. The last thing I want first thing in the morning is a fry up. He knows that if we go away to a hotel with an inclusive breakfast, I wouldn't choose a fry up.

Then he'd go off to work and leave me to deal with the frying pan etc.

He'd then ask me where I wanted to go for a meal. I'd name an Italian restaurant we go to fairly often because I love the food there and we'd end up going somewhere "better" for a steak. I'm not vegetarian, but I don't like meat that still looks like a dead animal on the plate. DH knows this. We'd go somewhere where I'd struggle to find something I wanted to eat on the menu.

This carried on until DC1 went away to university and invited me to stay for my birthday so that I could have a nice birthday. DH was baffled. All the DCs pointed out that my ideal birthday involved a light breakfast and an Italian restaurant for dinner, and I never got this.

DH had this huge penny dropping moment, when he realised that the ideal birthday I had described to him every bloody year was in fact my ideal birthday and not just a baseline for him to "improve" upon. And that if I don't like fry-ups for breakfast or steak on 364 days of the year I'm not going to like them on my birthday, either.

He was genuinely gutted, and he has listened to what I want for every birthday since then.

This is your husband's birthday. On what basis did you make the list for him to choose from?

ifonly4 · 11/02/2022 07:51

I think it's the way he's done it. If he said in the first place his friends were up for the weekend away, but had an idea for you all doing something together, even tea out, day trip or mutual friends, that'd have been better. It doesn't sound like you've been included in anyway.

Is there enough money for you to take the kids away, just somewhere cheap and cheerful? If you don't drive there are coaches, the train if you can afford. If so, I'd book to take them away that weekend.