DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

[Limewater]

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

Obviously going out drinking with friends is different fun from going on a trip with small kids
He could have been more tactful about it, but he probably didnt mean you with the no fun, but you as a family with little kids. The dynamic is just completely different.
I would ask if he wants you to organise a nice evening meal with family a few days before and let him go on his trip.
I do understand that his comment is a bit hurtful in the moment, but he probably worded it wrong.

This wouldn't be an issue to me personally. It's his big birthday and wants to go away for a trip with his friends maybe go for a meal just you two on the Thursday night and have a tea party with the kids when he's back?
Oh and definitely do something fun for your own birthday!
You are both so young and you have grown together, I don't think it's a huge deal at all don't take it personally. I am sure my DH would see him going away with his friends would be 'more fun' too it's not necessarily, it's a different type of fun.
Fair if you're really hurt by this but I don't think it's as drastic as some posters think by sending you for divorce 🙂

It doesn't bode well for your future I'm afraid.

I think it might be part of his reaction to getting together as teens then just recently marrying. He sounds like he's having a not quite mid life crisis. (Unjustified)

Does he regret marriage?
Was it something you pushed for or did he really want to after so long?

He sounds like he never did the freedom years as a teen/early 20s so wants that now. (unjustified)

Having a child free weekend (I hope you have had/ will have one too?) Is no crime but doing it on his actual bday is off and disrespectful to you and the DC's.

He's not setting them a good example. And that he booked it without discussing it with you! Don't you normally discuss financial decisions first? Do you have access to family money?

It sounds like he resents being 'tied down'.

He's on the path to cheating/ going for a lapdance etc when he's away or after imo.

I don't see this ending well.

You are right to feel hurt and angry.

He's said he doesn't have fun with his wife but also clarified what kind of fun he is talking about - going out and drinking with friends. Well he's not going to do that on a weekend with his small children is he? I would not be too alarmed by this if things are otherwise good.
I think being with the family on Christmas, kids' birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day - yes, but isn't there even one celebratory day that you can spend with your friends?
Friends are not unimportant in life, after all.

I think he could have warned you he was thinking about it, rather than present it as a fait accompli. Also think he needs time with his mates.
Also think you do too- can you arrange ( pretty soon) a weekend away? Only fair.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate all your comments. A real mix of opinions!

Our DC are 7 and 5 (so not that young!) - although I agree with lots of what people have said about trips away with children being less of a trip and more of a chore at times.

With the clarity of a few hours sleep, it's not the 'boys trip' that I mind - it's not for me to mind, he's a grown man and can go away with friends if he so chooses. It's the disregard for us as a couple and also as a family - he just announced his plans with no warning and he already had commitments lined up from his boys group - so feels like a secret plan had been bubbling away for a while. Feels like he didn't factor us in at all - even for a meal another day?

The children will be upset not to celebrate with him (not inconsolably so but upset all the same) and same here...

The real zinger is that he feels like we don't have fun together when it's just us one on one. I've never been in a situation where I've had to rate how fun I am ... but I can't be that bad because I manage to have a social life and I've not been rejected by society... yet... Still hurts though. I'd estimate that we've had at least a moderate amount of fun over the years - but second guessing that now as confidence is a bit chipped by his comments.

We are young and relationships that start when ours did are almost certainly destined to fail. I do not think we are the exception to that rule. What I do know is that we have both worked at our relationship and there have been many different seasons so far!

DH does have a history of rolling home so drunk and out of control that he's thrown up on our hessian rugs a good number of times... Anyone who's ever cleaned red wine sick put of hessian gets me when I say I have a slight distaste for people being so drunk they can't make it to the toilet!

Also... We are not rich! Edinburgh is SUPER expensive - especially for a 4-day trip. Feel a bit anxious about that. All our money is promised away to bills so I'm not sure where he'll get the money for that.

SIGH... I guess we'll have to have a big talk about it all. Just sad that this is kicking off so soon after getting married. Maybe that's a good thing?

Oh wait, watch out if he says,’ I bring in all the money’ and tries to scupper a weekend away for you in any ( subtle or not so) way.

And shut the door and let him clean up his own sick. Disgusting.

Also I should say that when I said I came up with plans for him to choose from. It wasn't that he had to choose from those plans, it was that he'd not mentioned any plans at all and I didn't want his 30th to get there and for there to be nothing in place!

Its not that you have to be joined at the hip because youre married; me & DP go out with mates/holiday separately at times. But we dont have young children, and are much older than you. We still spend milestone birthdays together.

Same here. Also it’s Easter, a big deal to children. I’d feel hurt too.

@Thighdentitycrisis

I wouldn’t be making a fuss of his birthday in future, a card and a ‘happy birthday’ would suffice.

Yep

I think this is fine! 😂 it’s hard being a parent and we have had A LOT of family time of late 😂😂 let him go, it’s his birthday. Be happy you don’t have to bother organizing anything and enjoy true peace 👌

Ouch. I understand him wanting to go away with his mates (who wouldn't?), but his comments to you were unnecessary and hurtful.

Dh I've been thinking about what you've said about wanting a fun weekend away with your friends and I agree it's important so I've arranged to go away X weekend with a,b and c

I would be disappointed too, I am also guessing that all the wives of all these guys will not all agree/have the money to literally piss up against the wall.
If you get disgruntled it will only prove the point that you are the "not fun" person in this scenario.. So Grey Rock him on it.
I would however be asking him how he plans to finance it ? He had better find a way of doing overtime.
& obviously You do not give him a present. Nothing. he doesn't want to be part of the family on this occasion, why would the family magic up a great present ?
Meanwhile you should be organizing a fun Easter w/e for the kids, with picnics, friends, family & he can go & throw up in Edinburgh

Sounds like you grew up and became a responsible, 'boring' parent, while he still enjoys the single life.

I'd object to a Dad being away over the Easter weekend, because that's a family celebration for us (non-religious but one of our nicest weekends together every year). You say you view it in a similar way.

Does he really enjoy spending time with the children? Does he see them as yours, rather than his? Does he pull his weight with childcare and general involvement in family stuff, year round?

I'd have expected him to do something with you that weekend, go away with friends another weekend, if that's what he wants to do.

Did he have a stag party? Wasn't that quite recently? Has it reignited his love of singledom? Thing is, over the next few years, most of his friends are going to settle down too. Making the most of opportunities to get together is one thing but recognising that life changes is important.

What he said was hurtful but I do think that providing it’s not completely unreasonable an adult should be able to choose what they want to do for their own birthday

Let him go & use the time to think about whether this relationship is what you want.

He's told you something very significant, make sure you understand & are happy with it.

I hope he cleans up his vomit when he comes home drunk?

I’m assuming accommodation will be more expensive as over the Easter holiday too.

When DC were younger Easter was very much family time, so they would be sad if dad was away for that and they wouldn’t see him on his birthday

I am not sure what the right answer to the question is but I wouldn’t have minded him to celebrate with his friends and then do something with him as a family later/earlier. It is just a date.

I wouldn’t judge him either for wanting to have some friends time without family either, we all need it from time to time. You may ask him to return the favour on your birthday.

@KERALA1 - My ex had a week long “boys holiday” (abroad) for his 40th. I don’t think anyone was that surprised when we split a few months later.

He really didn’t see anything wrong with it and insisted it was what he had always looked forward to for his 40th and deserved a break (the break was from family life, which, with hindsight, he was never really committed to and didn’t enjoy at all)

I am now remarried to someone who wouldn’t dream of going off and leaving us to be with “boys” and who is far more of a family man, despite the fact the the DC are actually his step-DC.

Ex is an every other weekend dad and happy with that, has as much time to go out with the boys as he wants and has continued to have his trips away with them..

Honestly, if you are regularly cleaning vomit after a husband who drunks too much, the Edinburgh trip is the least of your problems. A dad going away on his birthday may cause a slight disappointment to his children, one that is often drunk, however…

(We also got together when we were too young, then when DC came I suppose I just naturally expected him to grow up and prioritise family, but it never really happened.)

Mmm I can kind of see what he meant.. my husband loves a boys night out with just his pals where they don't. have a fancy meal but go to a grotty oul pub and chat for hours . Totally not my cuppa of tea.
I would be more than happy to let him off as long as he didn't make me come in op
It's a different type of fun.
Only you know what he really means

How is your relationship otherwise? Are you sensing any deeper issues?