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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 11/02/2022 20:39

Proteome (what even is that? predictive text so must be something)
Meant people, obviously.

justasking111 · 11/02/2022 20:41

@Limewater I think some folks love to smash marriages, sow beware

Toanewstart23 · 11/02/2022 20:42

[quote justasking111]@Limewater I think some folks love to smash marriages, sow beware[/quote]
In this case
The DH himself

wingingit987 · 11/02/2022 20:49

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

It's this response for me.

Ok I would have said you go away and will do something another weekend. However if I'm not fun then I won't bother doing sweet f a for you.

wingingit987 · 11/02/2022 20:57

Do not have another baby with this bloke.

timeisnotaline · 11/02/2022 22:16

Well. That says a lot doesn’t it. I’d step back emotionally, stop planning /doing anything for him, including laundry, days out, and pretend it’s just you while you think about things. If he objects to anything the response is oh you can sort that, you’re the logistics person.
Bit shit about your own 30th birthday, I’m sorry. Please try and plan something fun and childfree for yourself (lucky you’re not pregnant and not now planning to be)

Ihatesalad · 11/02/2022 22:28

That’s exceptionally honest but at the same time incredibly hurtful I know—me and my friends age range 38 to 60 had an honest chat about this on a night out and all agreed we find a night out with our female friends more fun— but I’m not sure any of us would be brave enough to tell husbands and partners that!!

SaySomethingMan · 11/02/2022 22:30

The comment about fun sounds a bit nasty, even if unintended.
However, I wouldn’t mind this at all. I’d prefer it tbh. It stops you having to run around organising stuff

5128gap · 11/02/2022 22:31

OP, you sound like such a lovely woman. Really far too good for him. He must be very stupid not to see what he stands to lose.

RachelGreeneGreep · 11/02/2022 22:39

@timeisnotaline

Well. That says a lot doesn’t it. I’d step back emotionally, stop planning /doing anything for him, including laundry, days out, and pretend it’s just you while you think about things. If he objects to anything the response is oh you can sort that, you’re the logistics person. Bit shit about your own 30th birthday, I’m sorry. Please try and plan something fun and childfree for yourself (lucky you’re not pregnant and not now planning to be)
Or wiping up his vomit, after his drunken nights out...
GrandmasCat · 12/02/2022 06:21

Ok, if you so rarely have fun together, he is not enjoying time with his family and doesn’t seem interested in you. What he wants (fun, trips, another baby) is irrelevant, what do you want??? That’s the big question, I bet that after being dealing with the logistics of caring for a family and a nasty husband you have forgot that you also can have wants and wishes.

Is it time to re evaluate your relationship, decide if it is worth trying to save it before he leaves (he will if he finds you boring, or become abusive, you are just seeing the beginning of it). If you decide to save it, this would be perhaps through marriage counselling, standing your ground, and showing him you deserve respect. If you continue trying to be the nice wife he will get worse.

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/02/2022 15:16

I wonder if he wants another baby to keep you in the relationship, if the others are getting a bit older and on the cusp at least of becoming more independent.

You ask what does he want - it sounds like he wants the benefits of being single - the nights out getting pissed and 'having fun' - AND the benefits of being married, someone to cook, clean, wash and provide sex on tap. ie he wants the bits of both that are to his advantage, and none of the bits of either that aren't. Well if the DCs don't need you as much as they did, he may suspect that this is the time when you might start to examine the relationship a bit more closely and decide you want out. So he wants to tie you down again so that you feel trapped and unable to leave, therefore he carries on getting your housekeeping services for several more years.

SunflowerTed · 12/02/2022 21:17

Sorry but I would be devastated if my hubby said that to me. It would also be the end of our relationship

mydogisthebest · 12/02/2022 21:47

@Ihatesalad

That’s exceptionally honest but at the same time incredibly hurtful I know—me and my friends age range 38 to 60 had an honest chat about this on a night out and all agreed we find a night out with our female friends more fun— but I’m not sure any of us would be brave enough to tell husbands and partners that!!
I find that quite sad that all of you have more fun with friends than with your husbands or partners.

I have more fun with my husband than any of my friends and would rather go out with him

CambsAlways · 12/02/2022 22:36

Charming

Missnataliex · 12/02/2022 23:52

Oh OP! Has he had these outbursts before? Have you spoke to him since? What's the latest? Xx

cheekyasfish · 13/02/2022 08:03

Great so what are your plans for your 30th? Ibiza with the girls?

Sprucewillis · 13/02/2022 10:59

OPs 30th passed in lockdown. DH made no effort.

artypug · 13/02/2022 14:49

Awww that's sad for you OP. My dh doesn't make any effort but tbf doesn't make and effort for himself either.
I now don't do anything special for his and book myself something with my friends. And what a surprise, every time I announce I'm going out with friends he does magic sad face, the one that means I'm supposed to feel guilty. Nah, not my problem he hasn't arranged anything.

You know where you stand on birthdays, perhaps also need to reevaluate the whole relationship though by what you've written.

SarahDarah · 13/02/2022 18:22

@MMmomDD

I think he phrased it really badly. And it’s probability because you two have been together since you were kids. And half of your life. So - there is a degree of taking each other for granted, in the way he spoke.

Other than that - I think it’s OK for him to have his bday with his friends.
Relationships that start in teenage years often run into trouble in 30s. Partially because people change as they mature. But also often people wonder what they have missed out on by not having been ‘single’.
So - it’s important for the relationship to evolve and not be stifling.

People up here who said - ‘he wants to be a single man why did he marry’… are forgetting - that he actually has never been a single man. He was in a relationship since being a teen.
So - having a little bit of ‘single man experience’ - carefree weekend, without children/partner - may actually be what he needs to not go off the rails later.
Obviously - I presume it’s not ‘full’ experience, and he is respectful and faithful.

Hopefully you two can somehow see each other sides and talk about it.
Also - I’d want to know what he meant by not having fun when you travel together.

This.
SarahDarah · 13/02/2022 18:27

@Louisianagumbo

But he is also telling you where you and the kids are in his priorities and it’s not first, so consider that as well.

Just because you want to get away from the kids for a couple of days, doesn't mean they're not a priority. But children don't have to be at the centre of everything we do and we're entitled to spend time on and for ourselves. That doesn't mean we don't love our family.

100% this. It’s not healthy to make kids the centre of everything all of the time. It's often why divorces happen because the couple are no longer priotising the relationship or supporting each other to enjoy friendships/outside interests every so often. I wonder if @Limewater has also fallen into this trap of making the kids centre of everything too much, hence the "no fun" comment by her DH.
Noisyneighneigh · 13/02/2022 21:23

@Viviennemary

Its sad but he was tied down with a family at a very young age. He just wants to have a bit of fun with his friends for a change.
Confused Have I stumbled into the 50s? Oh yes, very sad. I expect he was forced by her at gunpoint. It's totally fine for him to behave like a thoughtless and unkind arsehole to OP.
Tulipsandviolets · 13/02/2022 22:26

Sound's like he wants his cake and eat it.

2Rebecca · 13/02/2022 23:08

Him wanting a weekend of no responsibilities for a one off celebration I can understand. A weekend with spouse and 2 primary school age kids is not as much fun. The way he has justified it is nasty and deliberately mean though. Also Edinburgh Easter weekend is ridiculously more expensive. He'd have been better having Easter at home and going away with friends a week or 2 later when not Scottish school holidays.
It does sound as though you were trying to organise his birthday for him a bit though and he left you to organise yours although it sounds as though there weren't many options and you were planning a wedding.

saddowizca · 13/02/2022 23:23

I’m sorry to read you posts @Limewater - crikey he is mean! What a thing to say to you. He should be planning something nice for you both to celebrate your 30ths as you missed yours. I’d just let him go (you don’t have much choice really) and maybe hold fire on baby plans for a bit.

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