Page 2 | DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

Wreath21 · 10/02/2022 23:09

How old are your DC? It might well be that he wants some child-free time for his 30th birthday, which is not enormously unreasonable (most parents benefit from childfree social time and indeed time away from the spouse - as long as both parents in a couple get such time).
If DC are still small then TBH socialising with them included is not that much of a birthday party as you're going to be limited in what you can do and spend most of it checking the DC don't need feeding/separating as they are quarrelling/taking to the loo.

justasking111 · 10/02/2022 23:14

Child free time I used to dream about that. I've let my OH do hobbies he did two legs of a round the world yacht trip with friends. He missed us after a couple of weeks.

I've done the girls trip abroad was fun but was happy to be home again.

Let him go with your blessing and start planning something for you. We never divorced been together 45 years now

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/02/2022 23:19

I'd be asking what he meant by "we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends".

Did he mean you as a family? Or you as a couple?

If he meant you as a family, then I can kind of see his point, if you have young kids it's not always fun trying to entertain them. For my birthday this year I wanted a child free meal with friends as it's been a long time and it was so nice not to have to worry about things like reading the menu to someone else and taking colouring stuff and picking up dropped forks etc etc. It cant ever be about you when you're with kids and people sometimes want to concentrate on themselves when its their birthday. If on the other hand you have access to childcare and he would still rather go with his mates and he meant he didnt have fun with you, then I do think your relationship may be in trouble

ANameChangeAgain · 10/02/2022 23:20

He probably needs to let off some steam with his friends, which is a different type of fun. It isn't the end of the world unless he is out with the boys every other weekend. Its healthy to do things apart occasionally, and you should get the change to have time away with your girlfriends too.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 10/02/2022 23:25

What kind of fun with his mates is he after exactly?

MRS54321 · 10/02/2022 23:30

Not that this is an excuse for his hurtful response but did he not have a stag do? Due to Covid? Is he maybe trying to claw a bit of batchulor ( can’t spell it soz) lifestyle??
I would be very hurt if he said that to me , and I’d be surprised he didn’t ALSO make a plan with me ?
Just don’t get/do anything for him - it’s petty but why should you run about buying gifts or cards etc when he doesn’t care to spend it with in even the same post code? You’re already giving him the gift of free childcare for a whole weekend..

Hope he’s got money cos Edinburgh’s expensive….

Sprucewillis · 10/02/2022 23:32

@Viviennemary

Its sad but he was tied down with a family at a very young age. He just wants to have a bit of fun with his friends for a change.

What are you on about. Tied down? Have fun for a change?

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 10/02/2022 23:33

He was rude if he meant you were no fun but he was right that going away with small children isn't fun. I'm surprised you presented him with a list of ideas. I'd always speak to the birthday person first to find out what they wanted to do.
It's unfortunate it clashes with Easter but presumably you'll have (and have had) every other Easter together so I wouldn't be precious over that.
I think people get to choose how they want to celebrate their big birthdays. It wouldn't bother me if DH wanted to spend his with his friends.

Jk24 · 10/02/2022 23:38

My dh turns 30 that very weekend and I would be furious over this. If he wanted lads weekend anyway he can do it the weekend after but this is shit of him

ForestDad · 10/02/2022 23:39

So he didn't want to especially do any of the pre-approved (by OP) activities on his own birthday?
And wants to have some time away from the kids? And relax and enjoy himself. What a twat.
Why doesn't he just do something on another day? It's Easter after all, should be family time.
Well I know he can't change his birthdate but AIBUUUUU?
Yep.

Drunkpanda · 10/02/2022 23:43

I spent my 30th and 40th with dh but my 50th with my best friends on a weekend away - had an absolute ball. Dh doesn't make a big fuss for birthdays so would have been a bit of a let down tbh - female friends made it a great weekend. I also celebrated with dh and dc. We aren't divorced or planning to be! I think he shouldn't have let you make plans etc, but I don't think there's a problem wanting to celebrate the way he wants to. If the alternative was a weekend with just his partner he might have thought differently. Everyone needs to kick back sometimes.

Hoolihan · 10/02/2022 23:46

Isn't it just that he wants a child free weekend? I'm sure we can all relate to that. It's mean to say that he doesn't have fun with you but I do have some sympathy with wanting a break from family life occasionally. When our kids were smaller I had girls nights out/lunches for my birthday as I wanted a blow out with my friends and it was easier if the men stayed at home to babysit!

Shmithecat2 · 10/02/2022 23:48

How he phrased it was dreadful, but what he wants isn't. It's his birthday, let him do what he wants.

oviraptor21 · 10/02/2022 23:53

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Viviennemary he had a choice about having a family at a young age[/quote]
Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. But whatever, he's had a lot of responsibility from a young age. I wouldn't begrudge him having a carefree weekend away for his birthday.

Mariposista · 10/02/2022 23:53

That comment ‘we don’t have fun when we go away’ is really hurtful and sounds like it was said in a bit of a childish knee jerk reaction. But rather than drop to his level, when he is in a more cooperative mood have a grown up conversation about that. Are trips away spent pandering to the children? Are activities planned around nap times/how much they can cope with etc? If you’re just together, are you always talking about them? If so, put something in place. Let’s be honest, that is just getting through a trip rather than enjoying it and coming home feeling refreshed.
Then plan a ‘fun’ weekend for the two of you, where you plan what you do together and each has their say. Doesn’t have to be expensive or involve excessive drinking etc.

You have been together for so long that you have never known adulthood without each other and people.

MMmomDD · 11/02/2022 00:14

I think he phrased it really badly. And it’s probability because you two have been together since you were kids. And half of your life. So - there is a degree of taking each other for granted, in the way he spoke.

Other than that - I think it’s OK for him to have his bday with his friends.
Relationships that start in teenage years often run into trouble in 30s. Partially because people change as they mature. But also often people wonder what they have missed out on by not having been ‘single’.
So - it’s important for the relationship to evolve and not be stifling.

People up here who said - ‘he wants to be a single man why did he marry’… are forgetting - that he actually has never been a single man. He was in a relationship since being a teen.
So - having a little bit of ‘single man experience’ - carefree weekend, without children/partner - may actually be what he needs to not go off the rails later.
Obviously - I presume it’s not ‘full’ experience, and he is respectful and faithful.

Hopefully you two can somehow see each other sides and talk about it.
Also - I’d want to know what he meant by not having fun when you travel together.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/02/2022 00:20

I think away from the subject of his weekend away, you need to discuss the fact he thinks you don't have fun together. It's a long time to 90 with someone who's company you don't enjoy.

Could he just mean if you have to kids hanging on then it's not "free drunken uninhibited fun"? If DH suggested a meal for me to enjoy and suggested taking the kids, I'd actually rather go alone for example.

But yeah, would it be impressed and would def bge ensuring you get a weekend away of your own

saraclara · 11/02/2022 00:29

So he's excluded his wife and kids from his birthday plans. With no discussion. And the majority of posters here are okay with that? 'He just wants to have fun?'

Jeeze.

Midlifemusings · 11/02/2022 00:30

In our circle it isn't that unusual to go out with friends for a birthday celebration. Nights out with friends are most fun - spouses you see day in and day out and you know everything going on in each other's lives and a birthday dinner out with the same person you eat dinner with every day isn't all that fun.

We celebrate birthdays whenever and encourage each other to do things with friends. I would actually be pretty annoyed if my husband got mad that I wanted a birthday out with friends and needed me to only celebrate with him. I would find that controlling.

Chloemol · 11/02/2022 00:33

That’s great, it means you and the kids don’t need to get him anything as he won’t be there!

Is there anyway you and the kids can go away? Or if not find something to do you wouldn’t normally and do that?

But he is also telling you where you and the kids are in his priorities and it’s not first, so consider that as well

Chloemol · 11/02/2022 00:35

@WonderfulYou

I think it’s absolutely fine to go out with friends for your birthday!

The issue would be if he didn’t want to celebrate it at all with you but if he wants to do something the weekend before or after with you then it’s fine.

Going out for a meal ok possibly

Going away for a whole weekend, no that’s not acceptable

Midlifemusings · 11/02/2022 00:40

@Chloemol

To you what is the maximum one is allowed to see friends after a marriage takes place. Is it two hours for dinner and never any more?

That may be a rule you have but it certainly isn't one that many people think is reasonable. Many, many parents go away for a weekend with friends. Mothers and fathers. It is perfectly acceptable to many. Not everyone thinks that parenthood means you can never leave your children or spouse for a night again.

This is something you need to be on the same page about though OP. If your position is that marriage means no more time away with friends and his view is that marriage doesn't mean no more time away with friends - that is going to be an issue. You are going to have to find some kind of compromise.

Louisianagumbo · 11/02/2022 00:48

I don't see any problem with celebrating your birthday with friends rather than family. If he wants to cut loose and get trashed, he realistically can't do that with you. Firstly because you don't approve; and secondly he won't want to be around the children afterwards. Letting him go away seems the better option. And it means you can have a weekend away for yours too.

timeisnotaline · 11/02/2022 00:50

Time away with friends is fine. His response about spending time with you is not nor is his dismissal of your efforts to think if something that would make him happy. I’d regard this as a distinct step towards the marriage ending, put no more thought at all into his birthday, take a step back from looking after him and start thinking about how separated life would look, do you know enough about his income and your options. Maybe you won’t need it but if you do you’ll be glad to have done the thinking! Take yourself out the weekend following to give yourself some space to think, you can say ‘i thought you’d want to spend some time with the dc after missing easter’

mummykel16 · 11/02/2022 00:50

@Limewater

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

It's his birthday he can do what he wants, then you will see what an arse he truly is. Couples should be together for birthdays