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Original poster

DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

354 replies

Limewater · 10/02/2022 22:19

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
saraclara · 11/02/2022 00:52

@Midlifemusings, OP is not saying that he can't ever go out or away with his friends..she's saying that she is sad that she's not able to do nice things for him for his 30th birthday as, without any discussion, he's decided to go away with his friends.

And to cap it all he's told her that he's doing it because she's no fun. What a charmer.

Louisianagumbo · 11/02/2022 00:53

But he is also telling you where you and the kids are in his priorities and it’s not first, so consider that as well.

Just because you want to get away from the kids for a couple of days, doesn't mean they're not a priority. But children don't have to be at the centre of everything we do and we're entitled to spend time on and for ourselves. That doesn't mean we don't love our family.

Wreath21 · 11/02/2022 00:56

I also wonder about the list of suggestions you presented him with - were they all 'family-friendly' things? Because, again, that's not the way many adults would want to spend a major birthday. Yes you can have fun days out with DC but you can't really ever relax, when they are small, and it's perfectly normal and reasonable to want to spend some time without them on your own birthday.

Louisianagumbo · 11/02/2022 00:58

Couples should be together for birthdays.
In your world maybe but not in other people's. I'm very happy for my other half to spend his birthday with his friends. It's no skin off my nose.

mumto2teenagers · 11/02/2022 01:01

I wouldn't have a problem with him wanted to spend his birthday with his friends, but would be a bit upset if DH told me he doesn't have fun when we go away.

Could you not do something the weekend before or after.

Loveisthere · 11/02/2022 01:05

SARACLARA

Absolutely agree you do not announce you are going away for the weekend as if you are single. I would definitely tell him to f#$k right off.

mummykel16 · 11/02/2022 01:08

@Louisianagumbo

Couples should be together for birthdays. In your world maybe but not in other people's. I'm very happy for my other half to spend his birthday with his friends. It's no skin off my nose.
That's your choice, it's obviously not the ops
ChickenStripper · 11/02/2022 01:09

It sounds like the stag he maybe didn't get?

Monty27 · 11/02/2022 01:11

Tell him to leave his keys and pack his sorry bag.
Tell him to shove his Easter eggs up his arse

OnaBegonia · 11/02/2022 01:12

Only on MN have I seen this petulant /rigid attitude towards birthdays and family time.
I have a significant birthday coming up and am going away with my adult DDs, DP happily left at home.

LollyLol · 11/02/2022 01:14

That's hurtful, and I'd be annoyed too OP. I'd spend the next 10 years making passive aggressive comments about how "fun" daddy is, and seethe the entire time I expect.

Well he can forget a gift. If his own children and partner arent people he wants to spend time with, I don't see why you should spend money on him.

ArcheryAnnie · 11/02/2022 01:15

I'd struggle to get past the fact that you have two kids, and he's planning a holiday away without consulting you. How would he react if you announced to him that you were going on holiday for the weekend, just you and your mates? How would he react about being left with the kids?

Serious questions, BTW. If he'd be outraged at you leaving him with the kids without even consulting you, there's your answer.

He's a cock, I'm sorry. He's still acting bloody 16.

greenlynx · 11/02/2022 01:17

Yes, he can go away with friends but the way he put it was very hurtful. It sounds like he resents his family life. I would be upset and angry if my DH told me this.

strawberrrycheeesecake · 11/02/2022 01:20

@WashableVelvet

I’d be ok with that. DH and I both try to have a weekend away with friends once or twice a year. Much as I love the kids, it’s a great treat to get away without them!
Yes But this isn't just a standard weekend

It's a big birthday and Easter. He's being selfish and thoughtless.

OP: I'd be pissed off. He should spend the actual weekend with his family, his wife and kids, and plan a 'boys' weekend another weekend on a nearby date.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2022 01:27

It's not whether he goes away, or joint vs friend time or whether Easter or birthdays are family time. It's this, When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’ He's got one foot out of a marriage he doesn't value and he's saying hurtful things on the way.

Monty27 · 11/02/2022 01:53

@MrsTerryPratchett that's about the first time I've agreed with something you posted 👍🏼

Midlifemusings · 11/02/2022 01:55

If Op feels she is as much fun as his friends - I am curious as to how she makes those birthday dinners out really fun for him?

Maybe they have different ideas of fun. She thinks she is just a blast and that he has a ton of fun with her but maybe what he does with his friends is actually more his idea of fun than hers.

Might just be two different viewpoints on what constitutes fun.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 11/02/2022 01:55

I think it sounds really rubbish of him - even worse that he vaguely nodded along to your suggestions, knowing his true plans, but keeping it quiet until his mates confirmed their availability. That does very much suggest that he was keeping them in reserve, in case his pals' night fell through.

No reason at all why he couldn't have arranged a nearby weekend for that - all still 'to celebrate Jason's 30th' - but he chose it instead of sharing this special life milestone date with his actual family.

For my 40th, we arranged to go somewhere we love as a family - holiday cottage in the UK - and had lovely plans for the week. For several days over the week - including my actual birthday, which was his worst day of all - our poor DS was ill and puking up and not minded to do anything, so plans for a lovely walk together and a nice meal were right out the window.

Of course, I was disappointed that my day had been - to be honest - ruined for me; but I reckoned that I would far rather have my (albeit temporarily very ill) DS there with me as I turned 40 than never to have had him at all - and that put it all into perspective. He perked right up the next day, as it happened!

I just think that family doesn't replace your friends - but it should be your priority. I understand the wanting to have an adult night off sometimes, but I personally find it very odd when you don't want to spend and celebrate very special days together - and a red flag when you associate your friends with 'fun and good times' and your family as 'something second-best that you have to put up with'.

LunaLights · 11/02/2022 02:05

What do you normally do for Easter in your family? Obviously it isn’t always on your Hs birthdate, so do you have a family tradition/get-together? He is choosing to miss out on his children’s Easter, as well as his birthday…

mummabubs · 11/02/2022 02:12

I'd feel really hurt too OP. It's the fact that he didn't even discuss it with you. For the record I spent my 30th at home alone with our baby whilst DH was at work and nothing was organised for me. I'd have loved him to be as thoughtful as you've been. Funnily enough DH's birthday is the same weekend as yours and he knows because it's Easter it will be a family one.

I do take that as it's his birthday he should get to choose how he marks it but your DH sounds like he's been really selfish about this and I think if it were my DH my view of him as a husband and dad would be rocked a bit by his choices. Sorry OP x

StarryNightSparkles · 11/02/2022 02:23

I agree with you op. Big birthdays/special occasions etc are family time and friends are for plans before/during or after. I think he comes across as really disrespectful of you and your relationship. This would definitely be a deal breaker for me, he is putting his friends first before family.

Wordleone · 11/02/2022 02:27

I am really horrified about what he said when you've been married less than a month.

Ginandplatonic · 11/02/2022 02:29

I don’t get the MN birthdays are sacrosanct thing - my two best friends and I all have a landmark birthday this year and are planning a weekend away without husbands - no one sees a problem with this.

BUT the birthday plans are really a side issue here, it’s the “we don’t have fun…” comment I’d find hurtful and worrying. I think you need to have a discussion about his attitude to you and the marriage OP.

Geppili · 11/02/2022 02:30

What @MrsTerryPratchett said.

Slowfoxfast · 11/02/2022 03:05

I had a relationship with someone who didn’t want to spend their birthday with me or want me to join him and his other friends. That was the beginning of the end of the relationship.

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