DH doesn't want to spend his birthday with us

[Limewater]

Hi there,

New here but I’ve been a lurker for years - hoping some of you ladies can give me your opinion on this dilemma because I’ve gotten in a right mood over it and now can’t tell if I’m being way over the top?!

DH and I have been together since we were 16. 13 years later and we have a DD and DS and just got married in January 2022. My DH is due to turn 30 in April and a couple of weeks ago I started making a list of things I thought he might like to do - travel/fancy meal/night outs etc. I figure everyone wants a fuss made out of them on their 30th?! Anyway, he listened to the ideas and gave a lack lustre response but didn’t downright dismiss any of them.

Cut to this evening, he’s come in and said, ‘I’ve checked with the ‘boys’ and they’re all free on my birthday weekend - so I’m planning to go to Edinburgh on my birthday (Fri 15th) and come back on the Sunday (Sun 17th)’.

I was upset because I came up with loads of plans for him to choose from. All really well thought through and involving varying degrees of friend groups so there would have been loads to enjoy. But he doesn’t want to spend his 30th with me AT ALL. I guess I’ll be at home looking after the children. Not to mention that that weekend is actually Easter Weekend - which I feel like should be considered family time?

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends’… I’m just hurt - why did you marry me if you don’t enjoy my company?! I thought we did have fun? And I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know).

What do you guys think?

Er OK @Monty27

Not sure who pissed on your chips.

So he organised a 30th birthday weekend with the boys because he has fun with them and doesn’t want to spend it with his family as he doesn’t find you fun to hang out with. I can see how you’d feel hurt by that.

It would depend on how he treats you the rest of the time, how much time you spend together normally, how he treats the kids in general, if he’s out all the time, if he doesn’t value or appreciate you, if he doesn’t like you going out because he doesn’t like looking after the kids alone as to how I’d handle it.

Weekend away with the boys when you are both on board is one thing, him organising a trip away with the boys because he’d rather spend milestones without you is another.

He has 364 other days to have "fun" with his mates, if that's what he wants.

The fact he's chosen to spend his milestone birthday with them rather than you and your family, speaks volumes.

It sounds like a one off. He should have asked you- talked to you about what he wanted to do and definitely shouldn't have phrased it like that. For big birthdays a lost of people i know have done a combination of things with their partners and without - and definitely not all including their kids,
It does sound like you presented him with a list of alternatives before even asking.
Also your line " I do drink btw (just not until I’m sick… like some people I know)."- does sound quite judgemental and may explain why he may want to do things wih his friends separately sometimes

I think your DH is not wrong for wanting to go away with his friends on his 30th. He is young and it's HIS birthday...

What is wrong though that he has not been upfront and said in the first place he had other ideas!

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to go away with me, he said, ‘we don’t really have fun when we go away. I want to actually have fun and go drinking with my friends'

Sounds like he feels like he missed out on experiences he didn't have due to being in a relationship from such a young age which he is wanting to experience now. Sorry op but this doesn't bode well.

I'd be really hurt by what he said OP.
Are any of his friends married with children?

Yeah that comment would cut deep. I think he forgot he isn't a single fella anymore. Are his friends married / fathers etc?

It is the way he has gone about it that isn't on.

The fact it is over the Easter weekend as well just makes it even worse.

To be honest it sounds like my idea of hell too. I went to Italy for my 30th, drank a lot, ate a lot and went sight seeing. Absolutely not child friendly!

Can’t he go for a birthday meal with his family too? Does it have to be on the actual day…but he should never have said he won’t have fun with you. He should have discussed with you too, before booking it. Who does he expect to provide childcare whilst he’s gone.

If this is a one off then I’d let it go, but if it’s a regular occurrence then perhaps he needs to decide what his priorities are.

The weekend away with his mates sounds fun and I can see why he’d fancy it, but he’s not considering your feelings or appreciating the effort you’ve made. He could make time to do something special with you too. I can see why you’re hurt.

I’d be wanting to know what sort of ‘fun’ they plan. Lap-dancing clubs, for example?

It sounds as though he’s thinking his 30th is a bit of a watershed.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Er OK *@Monty27*

Not sure who pissed on your chips.

? I never eat chips. Did someone kill your cat?

Firstly
Opinions seem split on whether the weekend is okay/ permissable. For me, it's not WHAT he is doing (on paper it's fine tbh). My problem would be HOW he is doing it.

My DH would
A. 100% want to do something with us on his actual BD
B. Ask/check my thoughts on it
C. arrange the weekend for a sensible date.
D. Know I was doing him a solid for the weekend and make it easier for me where he could ie organise food, book a kid based activity and / or get my mum to help while he was away
E. Be nice to me and appreciate my efforts.

What do you guys think?

I would think ..

• (if there are ANY assets) you should thank your stars you are protected married.
• you should get on good contraception.
• he is unhappy
• your relationship / marriage is in serious trouble and divorce /separation is a very real possibility.
• based on his words and actions I'd make no further effort beyond a "to and from" card especially if the kids are too small to know the difference.

His comments would have cut me like a knife.

I'm guessing you guys had kids early vs your friends and they are still childless??? Hence can disappear off on a mini break during Easter???

Together since 16 with 2 small children is alot. I think this has nothing to do with his birthday but a much wider issue that you need to confront.

I'd be ok with him going away with his friends but not on his birthday. Maybe the week before. I would expect him to spend birthday with me and kids and for us to do something together to celebrate separately. I'd be really hurt that I am not considered fun to spend time with.

Well, he shouldn't have said the thing about 'fun', but did he mean 'you' as in family, because if your children are young, then going on holiday with young children is pretty boring and hard work rather than fun.

For my last birthday I had a huge party that my husband organised with all my friends, booked out a terrace and bar and he bought loads of Prosecco and beer in ice buckets from the comfort of home looking after the boys. He did that because that's what I enjoy. 2 days later we had a lovely family meal to celebrate together which I thoroughly enjoyed, but I'd be lying to say the family meal was my favourite.

My husband is the opposite though, a real home bird and family man. For his birthday he wanted just a family day out and meal together, then a week later I booked him a night out with friends and booked a baby sitter (the friends bit was a surprise). He actually ended up asking us to go home at 11 as he'd booked a theatre event with the youngest earlier the following day and wanted to be refreshed from that. I learnt that just as he respects my wishes about how I like to celebrate, I need to be better at that for him so next year plan on booking a family staycation.

I think in a relationship you have to communicate. Talk to him about how you'd like to do a family thing before or after and I'm sure he'd love it, because it's the best of both worlds. Alternatively, if he's more selfish in other ways and resentful of family life every single day, then that's a bigger issue you need to talk about.

I think he's just phrased the 'we don't have fun' in the wrong way but family/partner fun is different to the fun you have with friends especially if he is looking for a big blow out, night out and drinks.

It's his birthday and his choice what he wants to do for it and I think you should of asked him what he wanted before making a list of your ideas.
I'm sure you do meals/days out as a family through the year so I would let him do what he wants for his birthday.

I think he poorly phrased it.

Fun with your family is different than fun with his friends. It is for most people. Especially with kids. A weekend away with young kids, still revolves around the kids. Keeping then entertained, planning the day around their naps or when they will want to eat etc.

I don't get adults obsessions with doi g something 'on the date'.

I really think, it's not a big deal at all.

Mn is a weird place. If a woman said she just wanted a weekend away with her friend and her husband was insisting she had ro be home on that particular day or she must have one foot out of the family, people would tell her to go and he was being a dick. Of a woman posted that weekends away with her husband kids, didn't feel really about her so wanted to go with friends, she would be told to go and how she deserved to celebrate her birthday how she wants. And that there can be family celebration another day.

30 is still young and he wants to go and have fun with his friends. I don’t see a problem really, unless he is doing this sort of thing every week? You could still arrange a dinner with family etc, but this as a one off is fine. You should arrange a weekend with your friends as well. Not sure why so many people have an issue with this, especially after covid where lots of people have barely seen friends.

Only thing that worries me is your comment at the end that suggests he drinks til he is sick - if that happens regularly I wouldn’t be happy with that as it suggests a problem with alcohol.

Would he be OK with you going away without him and the kids on your birthday?

What he said would hurt me too.

How is your relationship otherwise?

Were the things that you'd planned, for his birthday, your idea of fun, or his?

I get the going away with mates thing. Thirty isn’t old and it isn’t unreasonable to want to do that. I did the same at thirty. We went to NYC! However not on my actual birthday and I wasn’t in a relationship then.

Its the way it’s been done, I think if he would have sat you down and said look I barely do anything with friends, I’m thinking of celebrating it with them in Edinburgh. A conversation could be had and you could put your feelings across. Suggest a different weekend or talk about other plans you had in mind. A compromise too. Not sure why he couldn’t do it the week after,

I’d imagine it’s not going to be cheap to stay at Easter anyway! I hope you have the cash for it. I can understand why you are so disappointed and he hasn’t even suggested doing something else to celebrate as a family or even husband and wife another weekend. Nevermind that it’s Easter too.

The comment wasn’t good though. Why did he marry you if he doesn’t have fun with you? Id be angry at that tbh. I know you can have different fun with mates but surely if you marry someone you enjoy their company too? You need a conversation at the very least. Id also mention that you’ve spoken to your friends and he has inspired you to go away child free too and give him plenty of notice so he can’t say he is working! If he can do it so can you.

I presume you are the same age and it's your 30th birthday soon too. Make sure you go away with your friends for a weekend and leave him home with the children. It's only fair.

@Limewater argh… I would be heartbroken if my husband didn’t want to spend his birthday with me and the children. Kids love their parent’s birthdays. He sucks.

And TBH I hate to say it but tend to agree with the comments thinking he has ‘one foot out the door’. In a previous relationship this was one of the signs of the beginning of the end.

I wouldn’t be happy with the way he went about that. So dismissive and disrespectful of you.

My DH went away with my DB and couple of friends to the Grand Prix for his 30th. However it wasn’t spring on me at the expense of celebrating with me and the kids.

The fact it’s Easter weekend wouldn’t fly with me either but depends on how you celebrate, it’s as important as Christmas in our family and celebrated as such.