Advice needed - DH problems

[stressed2411]

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[Cyberworrier]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Reading this just makes me think please please make sure you take care of yourself, whether you stay or go. I know it's easier said than done but I hope you can try to keep in touch and open up to friends and family and try to do lots of self care, as going through something like this takes such a huge toll on you. It can become so all consuming taking care of a loved one, but remember to put your own oxygen mask on first as it were.

[Cyberworrier]

Ps sorry I've just seen about where you live/the isolation. Could you move back closer to your family and friends? With or without your husband?

[stressed2411]

Thanks for replying! I really do feel stuck, I know something definitely needs to change I just don't know which way to go.

[stressed2411]

@Cyberworrier

Ps sorry I've just seen about where you live/the isolation. Could you move back closer to your family and friends? With or without your husband?

We could and have spoken about doing this. However, in a way I am kind of holding off as if we move, it would mean buying a house etc and I don't know whether I want to be here long term. At the moment, we are renting which gives me a bit of flexibility.

[Cyberworrier]

Could you try a few different things in order to help you decide how to proceed? Try couples therapy, or on the other end of the scale, try to mentally detach a bit from your husband and see how that makes you feel. Or go to stay with family and wfh there for a week or so, in order to give yourself space to think about what you want?

[Shoxfordian]

His depression sounds a bit selective- too depressed to work but not to go play football with his friends

[stressed2411]

Yes that's a good idea, I did have a break a month or so ago by working from my parents house for a week which helped. However, when I came back nothing had changed and we went back to the same routine.

For full disclosure, even without the depression we had issues and I have thought of leaving before. Just never had the guts to tell someone/actually leave.

[stressed2411]

@Shoxfordian

His depression sounds a bit selective- too depressed to work but not to go play football with his friends

This is what I don't understand. I fully appreciate that I am not a mental health professional and I come from a background where mental health isn't taken seriously. However, I have questioned whether the depression is as serious as it is made out to be.

It feels like, if he is in the right mood, he can just get up and go, even have a normal conversation on the phone with a family member etc. however, I have never experienced or seen someone with depression before so not sure if that's normal.

[Shoxfordian]

I’m not a mental health expert either but it doesn’t seem right to me. If you’re unhappy though then think about leaving

[Cyberworrier]

I'd say maybe have another month at home with your parents then. And maybe research your options for moving home when you're there. Think about who you can open up to, some support in real life will maybe give you the courage you need to make the move if you want to. Good luck to you x

[GeneLovesJezebel]

Is he on antidepressants?

[stressed2411]

He has been prescribed various antidepressants and other medication. I don't think he actually takes them regularly however.

[GeneLovesJezebel]

If he’s not taking them, and taking them regularly, he isn’t really trying.

[stressed2411]

Thanks @Cyberworrier - even talking about it here has helped. As I've never spoken about this with anyone before.

[houserenohelp]

My DH has depression and it's very hard. I think most people with a partner with mental health consider leaving etc as it is so hars

The football is a tricky one as even tho he's not well enough to work trying to have a bit of normality and get out the house is good.
Maybe a change of career is needed
He obviously needs more support and to take his meds regularly

[GeneLovesJezebel]

His lifestyle sounds like that a teenage boy would choose.

[Duracellbunnywannabe]

What are the other issues?

[stressed2411]

Yes, he says football is one thing he looks forward to.

I have suggested that he should think about changing careers. However, I think his attitude to work would need to change regardless of any job he decides to do.

Do you find you spend a lot of time working out what is going on with your DH?

[Soundwave]

Regardless of what his problems are, you are not morally obliged to fix them or find solutions for them.

I know someone who's partner was depressed. They basically sponged off her for most of their relationship. She died before she was 40 and it makes me mad to think she wasted her years on that twat. Don't waste your life trying to fix your DH. Go out there and live!

[stressed2411]

@Duracellbunnywannabe

(Love the username)

Now that you've asked the question, there are quite a few. We've always argued about his attitude to work. We are in a similar industry and whereas I have done quite well, he has always had quite a laidback work ethic.

He also has form for getting angry/frustrated, I have read that this is also a symptom of depression.

[stressed2411]

@Soundwave

Regardless of what his problems are, you are not morally obliged to fix them or find solutions for them.

I know someone who's partner was depressed. They basically sponged off her for most of their relationship. She died before she was 40 and it makes me mad to think she wasted her years on that twat. Don't waste your life trying to fix your DH. Go out there and live!

Thanks for this! Reading your response makes me think I'm not crazy for wanting to leave. I am 34 and I am sad about the years I have wasted.

[headspin10]

This sounds so hard. I've no idea whether you are hoping to have kids one day, but if you already have worries about this relationship, I would guess it will only get harder if you add kids into the mix.

My friend wisely said to me before we had any children "your relationship doesn't need to be 100% strong before you have kids, it needs to be 150%, because it really adds so much pressure.'

May be an irrelevant point, but thought I'd mention it. Hope things get better for you both

[stressed2411]

@headspin10

This sounds so hard. I've no idea whether you are hoping to have kids one day, but if you already have worries about this relationship, I would guess it will only get harder if you add kids into the mix.

My friend wisely said to me before we had any children "your relationship doesn't need to be 100% strong before you have kids, it needs to be 150%, because it really adds so much pressure.'

May be an irrelevant point, but thought I'd mention it. Hope things get better for you both

Thanks, I agree. We both do want kids and have been actively trying in the past (we had some fertility issues which is a separate issue).

However, since the depression has got worse, I've stopped all treatment as I definitely do not want to bring kids into this.

[BoodleBug51]

Who's paying the bills OP while he's indulging in his mental health?

[ittakes2]

Has anyone considered if he has ADHD? It would explain some of his behaviour.