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Original poster

Advice needed - DH problems

183 replies

stressed2411 · 10/02/2022 21:18

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
pompei8309 · 18/12/2022 16:08

stressed2411 · 10/02/2022 21:18

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Has he been diagnosed as having depression? as too me he sounds like a lazy f…r who’s taking advantage of you

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 16:12

Well he has been 'diagnosed' and although I'm no doctor both of the times he's been given antidepressants has been after a 10 min phone call with a doctor. I personally think they've never got to the crux of the actual issue.

I feel like all he's said is that he feels tired all the time/has no motivation and they've said - here take these pills. He's said no to feeling suicidal and that seems to satisfy the doctors that he isn't in any danger so the pills are fine.

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 18/12/2022 16:14

Sorry to be blunt op but what's changed since your first post?

He's still not working and has no intention to, he's not taking his medication, he's angry and treats you like shit

I have had depression and lived with people with depression. You cannot help them unless they want to help themselves.

You are not helping him. You are not helping yourself. You sound miserable and trapped.

What's keeping you? He hasn't even changed anything from when you left. Why would he when he knows you'll just stick around and provide for him. While he sleeps all day then hangs out with his mates playing football.

When was the last time he showed any interest or care in you. How you're feeling. What you want to do this evening.

You love him. But he doesn't love you. And in all honesty his depression sounds very particular to when he has to do things he doesn't want to do.

If I was ill I'd bloody make sure I took the drugs to make me better. For myself and for everyone around me.

You're young. Don't waste your life like this.

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 16:19

@dontputitthere I appreciate your bluntness. In all honesty nothing has changed, which is why I'm kicking myself that I'm still here nearly a year later feeling sorry for myself and asking for advice.

I think what's keeping me here is that when things are good they're amazing. He can be really loving, funny and supportive when he wants to be. These times are short lived though.

OP posts:
Remona · 18/12/2022 16:29

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 13/12/2022 13:14

OP - Think of a child learning to swim. They're with the teacher in the deep end, where neither can touch the bottom.

If the teacher just constantly holds the child above the water, what happens eventually?

This is what you're continuing to do - you're holding him above the water. He's not paddling, as no-one has shown him how, and he's always had you holding him up so he's never needed to learn.

Except now you're tiring. You're finding it harder and harder to keep you both afloat. At some point you will both go under, with no strength to kick back up.

You need to teach him to swim by himself. And to do that at some point you need to let him go.

The longer you leave it, the more likely you'll both sink.

This is absolutely spot on. I speak as someone who has had depression for most of their adult life.

Wouldn't we all love to not work and stay in bed half the day? There are days when I would certainly love to but I can't. I have no partner, no-one who will pay the bills. I have to work. I have no choice but to put on a brave face and get on with it. There are many days when I don't know how the hell I will manage to get through the day but I simply have to.

I think that when you have a partner, someone who can pay the bills, it's somewhat easier to just go "oh, I'm depressed, I can't cope". You simply have to cope when there is no other option. The "selective depression" of being able to go to the football proves the point. It's the hard things he doesn't want to do, it's not that he's incapable of doing anything at all.

Things will not change, OP. Please don't waste more time and energy on this and make yourself a new life.

Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 16:37

You never mentioned cultural issues so that somewhat explains why you find it hard to make the break

where are his family?

you be not mentioned about finances etc? Bills……do you pay them all?

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 16:45

Tbh I didn't mention the cultural aspect as I've noticed that as soon as these are mentioned on MN, a lot of posters jump to certain incorrect conclusions about the lifestyle and how I might be some oppressed wife which is certainly not the case. I didn't want the advice to be skewed.

His family live about 5 hours away and he doesn't have the best relationship with them. I did have a conversation with his mum last week and she is aware of everything but hasn't done much to help. She has called him and said he can't carry on like this and that he needs to find a job etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 16:47

In terms of bills we are still going 50/50 on the main bills (he is using his savings) but I've started to pay for most of the everyday stuff.

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 18/12/2022 16:49

I'm sorry if it sounded shit. I guess I'm just trying to give you a reality call. For me from the outside it's quite clear what I would do. But obviously that's because I'm not involved in any way.

What do you need to hear from us?

You seem to recognise it's not working. That it hasn't worked for a long time. And that he's not making any proactive steps to improving the situation.

The last point is the most important to me. When you're with someone you expect there to be rough times. But I expect both people to pull together to make things better.

He's been out of work now for a while. How is he paying for things? Is he still asleep during the day then leaves you alone in the evening every night?

What is holding you on? You speak of cultural familial ties. I don't think any of us ever marry thinking well this may or may not work. I fully invested in my marriage. But when it didn't work out there's no shame on us. In fact I'm quite proud of how we co parent.

What did your parents say when he came to take you back? Do they know he's not working and has not intention to work again?

I feel for you. And I am frustrated beyond belief on your behalf. You seem a kind and caring person. I'm worried you will stay out of obligation or something else. And it will be a waste of your life. You deserve to be happy

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 16:58

@dontputitthere the reality call is definitely needed. I know I probably sound like a broken record but the main things holding me back are:

  1. I love him, we can be great when he's on form and I will miss him
  2. We're from different cultures and originally my parents weren't best pleased about me marrying him. I feel like a divorce would mean they were right all along and seems like a defeat.
  3. The uncertainty of not knowing whether I will ever have a chance to have a baby.
  4. Leaving him will mean uprooting my whole life and most likely moving back home, my career will definitely be impacted too
  5. I don't want to end up alone forever
  6. The cultural repercussions, the affect on my parents etc
OP posts:
Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 17:07

To answer your questions, my parents know he's left work but I think they thought it was a phase and that he would get a new job and all would be fine. They did have a chat with him and he was very charming about it all and said he would find a job soon enough, he just needed a break. They think he is great at his job as he comes across very competent and they don't know of any of the issues he has had at work.

He can be very charming as I think I've mentioned before and honestly if I mention any of what I've said on here to friends they probably wouldn't believe me as he is the life and soul of most social events with his chatter and jokes.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 17:13

Gosh op that’s a lot of things on your plate that are holding you back.

you are sacrificing your future

you are hoping above hope that you are somehow wrong

why not come completely clean with your mother about everything

her opinion matters enormously to you so you should try to change her perception of him then she will support you more to leave him maybe?

dontputitthere · 18/12/2022 18:12

Okay.

  1. Sounds like you already miss him. The loving fun supportive partner has long gone.
  1. This is so strange. What kind of sadistic parents would kick their own child when they're down. You really think they would do that? Or just want you to be happy. Also very very interesting you call it defeat. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Wouldn't it be a far worse and far more painful mistake to stay with a man who doesn't make you happy?
  1. I would say you have a higher chance of having a baby if you left now. He's showing no signs of helping himself. You don't want to bring a baby into this mess. So what are your chances of having a baby with him?
  1. Yes it will be upheaval. It always is. But is it the end result a positive? It's short term upheaval. You're talking about being miserable for the rest of your life. You also said you have few friends where you are. So it's not the great upheaval you think it is.
  1. No one wants to end up alone forever. But that's quite a catastrophic leap to make. What on earth makes you think that? You have plenty of life left in you. Plenty of time to meet someone. And also I say it again - the alternative is being miserable for the rest of your life. You Know what your future with him is like.
  1. I can't answer on any cultural repercussions. I don't know what this is and what it would do for you. However if my child came to me desperately unhappy and said they wanted to leave their marriage I would support them, advise them and listen to them. I'm sorry if you don't have that support. But it's desperately sad you're considering how this would effect them more then yourself when it's your life, your future and your opportunity to have your own family at stake.
dontputitthere · 18/12/2022 18:31

You also need to be honest with your parents if their opinion matters so much to you

He's not temporarily out of work. This isn't even a one off. He's not seeking work. He's had numerous spells being off for mental health reasons.

He sleeps during the day and ignores you so you're all by yourself but miraculously well enough to play football with his friends

But more to the point he's not helping himself get back. That for me is the crux. What's going to change?

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 18:48

Thanks @dontputitthere I really appreciate your advice and your clear and concise explanations. You're completely right of course, I need to be 100% honest with my parents instead of covering up for him, this is only making things worse as I feel like he knows that I cover for him and he can get away with minimum effort.
Also since the day he knows my parents about his job situation, I feel like he actively avoids contact with them, even through phone calls as he thinks they may ask him about the job thing and he wouldn't know what to say.

My parents would 100% just want me to be happy, they are very supportive of everything I do, but a divorce on the cards would definitely shock them and as I may have mentioned in previous posts both have had various health issues this year and I guess I don't want to cause them worry or cause any embarrassment for them. (This may all be in my head).

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 18/12/2022 19:28

Op... just leave. You're making a million excuses to stay. And most of those are based on what other people might think/feel about you breaking up. You've got ONE Life OP... why waste a second more on this dead in the water marriage?

The sooner you leave, the sooner you can build a happy new relationship. You want a baby. It would be madness to bring a baby into such an awful relationship. But if you leave now you could be expecting by this time next year! In a happy relationship.

C'mon. Big girl pants on. Accept the relationship is over. Leave! Go and get a life!

FinallyHere · 18/12/2022 19:51

a divorce would mean they were right all along and seems like a defeat.

Oh lovely, I do feel for you but honestly, you only get once chance at life. Don't throw away your chance of a decent partner and maybe even DC on someone who would make you feel like a lone parent anyway.

This is no situation in which to introduce (one or maybe even more) a baby. Take that out of the equation entirely.

All the very best

dontputitthere · 18/12/2022 20:25

I feel for you. I'm being very blunt with you because I think you need to hear it. I'm glad this thread is helping you.

There will never be the perfect time. There will always be something. It's just delaying tactics.

You say your parents are supportive which is brilliant. Trust them. Trust that they have your best interests at heart. Most parents only want their children to be happy.

My dad is seriously Ill and housebound with no chance of recovery. He has been a tremendous support through my divorce and house sale and all that rubbish. He can't do anything practical. But he has my back. And that's all that matters. It's very easy to say this shock will be hard on them. But maybe they'll surprise you.

I think you have to let people in to help you. Tell them your opening post. Crying on your own in the evenings. It's no life. Anyone who cares about you will want you to be happy

But I think you know all this. I know fear stops you. Fear of the unknown. But this is your known reality. And it's not making you happy.

Original poster
stressed2411 · 03/01/2023 13:49

Hi all, I hope you're well.

As an update, DH and I are on a trial separation/I have said I need a break from him and he needs to reassess what he wants from his life.

I am staying and working from my parents house and he is at our house about 5 hours away.

I feel very guilty as I've just had a call from MIL who was very upset that I've left him when he isn't feeling the best mentally. He is also not picking up her phone calls and she is worried about what he may have done.

I don't have anyone that could check on him locally, he isn't responding to my messages although I'm pretty sure that's due him trying to ignore me.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/01/2023 14:28

Call your local police station and ask for a welfare check.

Tell them you are seperated and your MIL called worried about your ex.

Do not accept any guilting from your MIL.
You have tolerated too much already.

Your marriage is over and you need to accept that.

He is not a project for you to fix.

Sell the property and divorce.

There is no shame in divorce.

There is shame in sticking in a bad marriage needlessly and wasting your life.

Let '23 be the year you move forward.

Original poster
stressed2411 · 01/03/2023 21:38

Hi everyone, I'm having a really crap day today so I thought I'd update here as you all were so helpful. I can't believe it's been a year since my original post.

I have moved back home (been here a few months) and currently staying at my parents. DH is in our home city and has been out of work since last summer. He has now found a job though - just this week.

He has now decided that he doesn't want to be with me, since I 'left' him and he hates that I got my parents involved. We are in contact over messages only and he has said he wants to go 'low contact' with me as he can't deal with me. It's made me rethink whether I actually want our marriage to be over completely.

I am now wondering whether things were really that bad and whether I should just tell him I still love him and try and give things another go.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/03/2023 21:41

Read back over all your earlier messages, things certainly seemed that bad op. You’re living separately; you can rebuild your life- you should divorce him

Thistooshallpsss · 01/03/2023 22:04

Please be brave and forge your own life for your own happiness

billy1966 · 01/03/2023 22:25

Oh OP, read up on the Sunken Cost Fallacy.

Your marriage is over.

Of course your scared and the familiar seems attractive to you.

He wasn't pissed off living off you, getting up between 3-6pm and staying up late, no working, and stressing you out?

No, he's pissed off that you didn't accept the status quo for ever like a mug.....he's pissed off you told your parents of the bullshit he was pulling.men like him HATE when the truth gets out.

This is not someone you can EVER rely on.

You are an adult, he is not.

You have one life, and he simply isn't worth it.

Be brave.
You will bitterly regret going back if you do.

This is who he is.

Don't ever inflict him on a child whatever you do, that would be so selfish, when he is such a man child himself.

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 02/03/2023 11:29

He has now decided that he doesn't want to be with me, since I 'left' him and he hates that I got my parents involved. We are in contact over messages only and he has said he wants to go 'low contact' with me as he can't deal with me

Oh OP how are you not furious at this??? What a massive Cheeky Fucker! Doesn't want to be with you since YOU left HIM??? I hope you pointed out to him that it was in fact HIM that checked out of you're relationship well over a year ago, and that you tried everything to help him and save your relationship on your own until you couldn't take it nomore and had to reach out for support. I hope you also pointed out to him that he did whatever he wanted at the detriment of your marriage and your emotional wellbeing that whole time. How utterly selfish, that he demands you pander to his needs while he ignores yours then lashes out when you're finally burnt out and can't do it no more.

He is an emotional leech and has shown how utterly selfish he is and has shown you time and time again he does not love or care enough for you to make an effort. Everytime you went back he has not changed, and everytime you went back you posted how angry you were at yourself for being weak.

So don't be weak. You have spent over a year (at least) pandering to his needs. Start focusing on your own needs. If you stay with this brat you will never have children and forever be bitter and resentful.

Life moves in chapters, your most amazing chapter might just be around the corner but you can't start it until you say good riddance to this shit one.