Advice needed - DH problems

[stressed2411]

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Go home to your parents, it's way easier before you have a mortgage and children. My ex had mental health issues and, in hindsight, was totally self absorbed (funnily enough he could manage to do things he wanted but not work after I had my last child or help care for his children), I was very young and naive when I married, mortgage and kids make it much more difficult to get out of a poor relationship😕💐 I did eventually but should have done much sooner!

@BoodleBug51

Who's paying the bills OP while he's indulging in his mental health?

He still pays the bills, as he has been signed off with pay (he works for a large firm).

However, I don't think they are going to keep doing this as it is happening all too often.

Hmmm I know it's bandied about a lot atm - and for good reason as it's so under diagnosed particularly in women - but ASHD can result in those symptoms and behaviours.

Initial enthusiasm replaced with complete loss of interest and motivation

Night becoming day.

Able to be "normally excited and positive" (or actually bouncing with excitement!) at anything new or pleasurable.

Difficulty managing emotions.

So, is he chronically chaotic with money, life-admin? Is he messy and unable to put clothes away? Does talk a lot about things he's interested in, but tune out when he isn't?

Is he unable to follow instructions and maybe just gets angry instead?

@ittakes2

Has anyone considered if he has ADHD? It would explain some of his behaviour.

I think this is definitely possible. I've done quite a bit of research on his behaviour and he does seem to have a lot of the tell take signs. I've let him know (gently) that he should maybe look into this but I don't think he took it very seriously

Bah. I mean ADHD. Which I was diagnosed with last year late 50s

I’ve been signed off work with stress before but with a young child I had to maintain normal hours and still do stuff. Have you spoken to him about his illness and what he plans to do to manage his symptoms? His GP will certainly be giving him advice about sleeping, healthy eating, exercise and socialising.

It sounds like with the laid back approach you not be compatible.

@Mossstitch glad you managed to get out! Yes this is what I flip back and forth with. Do I leave now whilst I am still 'young'. Or should I just stick it out as I've wasted too many years and how am I ever going to find someone new, especially with my fertility issues.

@sairiegamp how were you diagnosed? And does medication help?

@Duracellbunnywannabe - he doesn't want to talk about it much. I've tried but he seems to think I'm not very sympathetic (if I'm honest I'm not) and lecturing him.

The GP and therapist have given him all the advice and he is saying he would love to do all of that but just can't seem to work up to getting it done.

The old me would have begged/forced/shouted at him to get up but these days I kind of leave him to it.

I also thought ADHD from reading your description. I have it and this sounds like me when I'm off my medication. It's actually pretty miserable (though not depression) way to be and such a waste of time/life.

The only thing I can suggest is him moving into a hands-on job rather than a desk job, particularly something with new challenges every day and where his role is important. Appreciate you can't do this for him though! It sounds rough for you, you have my sympathy.

@Givemepickles - are there any strategies that help you manage the condition?

And is anger something you experience.

He has to get to the bottom of exactly what is going on with him. If he really has depression there is something causing it. It's up to him to continue therapy long term to establish what's brought his depression on. I saw a clinical psychologist every week for 30 months and she informed me that depression is caused by suppressed anger.
I would seriously consider leaving if I were you. I ended my 10 year relationship due to my depression as I knew it was no life for him. That was 26 years ago. I've never been in a relationship since as it's not fair to affect another person's life negatively in my opinion x

As I'm getting a lot of responses about ADHD, I also wanted to add that he does have a habit of talking a lot/rambling in social situations. He is very likeable and a good sense of humour. However, there have been times where I've been embarrassed at his non-stop chatter, barely letting anyone else get a word in.

Reading your latest post has made me wonder if he could be bipolar

He won't take a therapists advice, is not taking his meds. You're not his mother, advice to my DILs would be to walk if my sons pulled this stunt on a regular basis. You deserve some peace, you've done your best

@bebarkered I don't think so, I understand why you may think this due to me posting about his 2 different sides. However, I've read through the symptoms and he definitely doesn't fit any of the criteria.

[quote stressed2411]@Givemepickles - are there any strategies that help you manage the condition?

And is anger something you experience. [/quote]
The strategies are different depending on the situation. Is it something specific you mean? If it's getting myself into work on time I've never solved that I'm afraid :( but it definitely helps me to be held to account either by a manager or similar. If I have work to do with no deadline that is a real struggle so I have to create deadlines. This could be by setting a meeting where I say I will present X on this date so I've forced myself to do it. I really struggle in this kind of job though.

Anger was a big issue for me. I'm very impatient. This has improved a lot through lifestyle changes. For example, I now work part-time and from home rather than a big commute 5 days a week. Also, I minimised my life as much as I could. I decluttered the house, started using bullet journalling and doing calming activities like gardening. I do one social thing a week and more if I feel good. Above that and I start getting stressed which creates the anger for me. What triggers your DH's anger?

@justasking111 thank you, I definitely feel like I need some motherly advice. My mum is great, but for some reason I am so so scared of telling her about any of this. I feel like I would be a huge disappointment for not being able to work it out myself.

She also adores him, so would be absolutely shocked. Although he doesn't sound like it in this thread, he can be very caring/charming.

I have been through similar with my OH - intermittent depression, with limited engagement from him in terms of Doing Something About It.

I can relate to what you are saying about feeling lonely, isolated, but also not wanting to tell people. I would urge you to, yes, tell people. Start with someone easy - maybe a friend if your mum is too hard? You need to take care of yourself, get your support system supporting you.

Having a partner with mental health issues IS hard. And you can't fix it for them, or make them take steps themselves.
To be honest, the time I was least engaged with my OH's issues (i.e. I did less talking/investingating/why do you feel like this?/suggestions) he actually took most action himself.

Also, you mention leaving/not leaving, and you said something about not leaving because it's too late. Can I just say, it's not. For starters you are are no age at all!!
But more to the point that is falling into the 'sunk costs' fallacy - where we tell ourselves we can't leave now because we've spent xxx years with this person/invested lots of effort into them. You could leave at age 50 and find someone wonderful to spend 10, 15, 20, who knows how many years with? or you could stay forever and keep thinking it's too late...

Best of luck with it all. it's so hard.

Hi OP, you DH sounds a lot like my depressed daughter. She tells me she 'needs to gather her motivation' to get off the sofa and collect her lunch from the table....

The passivity mixed with focus on random and not always healthy activities is just maddening. It's hard from the outside to accept that these particular things are possible and those aren't.

BUT I had a depressive phase as a teen and I remember being like that myself. Staring at the wall or at my hands and struggling to get off the bed for hours. It really was random at times, what still 'worked' and what didn't.

An hour of talking therapy a week is not much if he is in such a hole. Explore less 'verbal' options if you can afford it. And he needs to take his meds ffs.

My dh has depression and social anxiety. It goes in cycles and is worse in winter. When he is in a low point, it's bloody hard. He has to make a phenomenal effort to just do the basic things. He's exhausted but can't sleep, and he struggles with communicating what's happening in his head. At times he is pretty hard to live with.

He is however fully engaged with treating it, and finding a way to make things better. He's tried pretty much every ssri going, and talks frequently to his doctors about how he is and what things might help. If he wasn't involved and engaged with his treatment, it would be impossible for me to stay with him, I would just resent the hell out of him. But as it is I see him trying, and respect that effort, and love him dearly for the work he puts in. He is also there for me without fail, and the same for our kids.

Being with someone with depression is hard, really hard at times. But I think you need to ask yourself how much your dh is trying to help himself. And how much your support is reciprocated.

@Givemepickles difficult to pinpoint what triggers him. It can be anything, but mainly small arguments getting blown out of proportion. He also hates when I raise my voice/shout. I admit I can get pretty angry too, well I used to, now I hardly react.

@katmarie thank you, your DH sounds like he makes a real effort to get help. Is he able to hold down a job? What happens to work when he is having a particularly bad phase

@ThreeLocusts what other treatments would you suggest? At this point, I'm willing to try anything. I agree an hour a week doesn't help much. His therapist also seems to really indulge him and just spends most of the hour reassuring him that he is great and repeating the same basic advice about eating,sleeping etc.

"Or should I just stick it out as I've wasted too many years and how am I ever going to find someone new, especially with my fertility issues."

That's known as the sunken costs fallacy and is a really bad basis for any decisions!

Irrespective of his reasons for how he is...do you want this to be your life? Is your life happier with him in it than it would be otherwise?

I'm sorry OP but from the way you're talking I think you know you're going to leave, it sounds like you already kind of emotionally disengaged.

For me, it would depend on what he is doing himself to try and figure out why he is like this and what he can do about it. Self help, self care, trying different strategies or medication. If he doesn't do any of this then he isnt fighting for himself and you cant do it for him so just sounds like an ever repeating cycle