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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed - DH problems

183 replies

stressed2411 · 10/02/2022 21:18

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 12/08/2022 23:14

Good luck tomorrow. You have made the sensible choice. Hopefully he will realise that he needs help and will start taking medication.

Justanotherlittlename · 06/10/2022 15:15

Hope Youre ok @stressed2411 ?

KangFang · 06/10/2022 22:56

I hope you left him.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 06/10/2022 23:17

I want to give you permission to put yourself first. Everything is about him. This is your life though, he's not your child in which case obviously he would have to come first. He is an adult who has an illness and isn't taking his medication for it. He is dragging you down and while you can feel for him if he isn't well, I feel more for you.

Look up sunk cost fallacy. That's exactly what you are saying you're thinking of doing i.e. why not spend more time since I've already invested so much time?

If I were you I would get ready to go and then tell him I was going. i'd be prepared for the emotional blackmail that will inevitably happen. He wants life to remain acetous with him sleeping all day and staying up all night. He won't take his medicine, he must know you are fed up and he's doing nothing about it.

Do you have permission to go on to be happy.

Original poster
stressed2411 · 12/12/2022 21:27

Hi All, resurrecting this thread as I need further advice.

As some of you may have gathered although I did 'leave' for a few weeks, DH came to pick me up and I have returned home. Things have not changed.

He does not have a job, he is still 'depressed' he had a doctors appointment last week but still hasn't picked up his prescription. He is still sleeping all hours of the day.

I know I'm being very weak about all this but I just cannot muster up the motivation to leave him.

I understand my posts must be frustrating but I could really do with some words of encouragement as I'm feeling really shit about everything at the moment.

OP posts:
Thistooshallpsss · 12/12/2022 21:47

Only you can decide your future. Only you can choose life or continuing to live in limbo. Maybe the best thing for your partner is for you to leave so he can take responsibility for himself. Please take responsibility for your own happiness and future. Best wishes.

TheAbsentGazelle · 13/12/2022 08:31

Hi OP,

I'm a similar age to you - 33, and I am so angry at myself about how many wasted years I gave to my now ex-DP. I couldn't face him dragging me down any longer.

My best advice is just rip the plaster off. It's painful but it needs to be done otherwise you'll still be in this situation years down the line. Like you, I left once before then came back again. I know how hard it is.

This man is playing you for a fool. Don't let him. You only get one life.

Original poster
stressed2411 · 13/12/2022 10:18

Thanks @TheAbsentGazelle - how did you end up leaving in the end? I guess for me it's the great unknown and a lot of overthinking of what the future may look like

OP posts:
ShangPie · 13/12/2022 10:44

If you haven’t already considered these questions, try running your overthinking-things brain over these:

What would the future look like if you stay?
What would it be like in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?
What would your mental health be like without a supportive partner?
What would it be like if you have kids with DH?

It’s not weakness to want to help someone, especially someone you love (or loved back when they were the person you married) but if your DH isn't motivated to recover, you can’t help him.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm

Ofcourseshecan · 13/12/2022 12:07

OP, you are so right to leave. Please don’t let him persuade you back.You have tried your best. You cannot heal him, and if you keep trying he will waste the rest of your life. Please move on and make your own happy life.

Ofcourseshecan · 13/12/2022 12:09

Also, without you to make life cosy for him, he may finally be motivated to sort himself out. But it is not your responsibility.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 13/12/2022 13:14

OP - Think of a child learning to swim. They're with the teacher in the deep end, where neither can touch the bottom.

If the teacher just constantly holds the child above the water, what happens eventually?

This is what you're continuing to do - you're holding him above the water. He's not paddling, as no-one has shown him how, and he's always had you holding him up so he's never needed to learn.

Except now you're tiring. You're finding it harder and harder to keep you both afloat. At some point you will both go under, with no strength to kick back up.

You need to teach him to swim by himself. And to do that at some point you need to let him go.

The longer you leave it, the more likely you'll both sink.

TheAbsentGazelle · 13/12/2022 14:22

stressed2411 · 13/12/2022 10:18

Thanks @TheAbsentGazelle - how did you end up leaving in the end? I guess for me it's the great unknown and a lot of overthinking of what the future may look like

@stressed2411 I had that uncertain feeling too, but the feeling I had in my gut which was telling me I couldn't carry on like this was even bigger.

I got some legal advice. I got my ducks semi in a row. I went away for 3 days to clear my head and give me that last bit of breathing space. Then I came home, sat him down, and said I couldn't be in this relationship anymore. It was the hardest decision of my life but I just know deep down that it's the right one.

By all means, think about what your future is going to look like. That is important. But don't get bogged down on the little things. Try to look at the bigger picture. What I found helped was writing myself a list of all the things I was looking forward to doing in my "new life". Some of them were trivial like being able to decorate how I wanted; having a few glasses of wine and dancing around my kitchen without being tutted at and judged; not walking on eggshells when if I had to work late. It helps to go back and look at what I'm fighting for.

Thistlelass · 17/12/2022 01:38

I think you need to consider the possibility your husband could be Bipolar.

Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 13:45

Op

think of yourself as being on a merry go round - that is what you are currently doing and you will stay on that merry go round until you decide to get off it and go far away from it

why do you keep getting back on that merry go round? What pulls you back?

believe me you are not a mental health nurse and nor are you a psychiatrist- you cannot help this man solve his problems and infact by going back and babying him you are enabling him to continue as he is

the only person that can help him is himself

i feel for you but you are basically in trouble here yourself

you need to talk to someone outside who can help you see the wood for the trees

its not easy ending things as you have seen and yes it will hurt you too as you grieve for what should have been but if you stay on this road then you will stay on that merry go round and you will be back here many times in the future

we will all tell you the same thing over and over…….

nothings changes until something changes

Mudgarden · 18/12/2022 14:14

Namechanged for this.
I suffer from depression and as a result I’m a lot like your DH. PPs have suggested it’s a choice to be like this. It really isn’t. On the surface there’s a person who seems to be just lazy but manages to function reasonably well some of the time. Inside there’s someone going through unimaginable mental anguish. On top of that there’s the guilt and shame, and the knowledge that my DH probably feels the same way about me as you do about your DH, though he seems to be very understanding.

To those who are questioning how he manages to go to his weekly football, I can sometimes manage to do some of the really important things, and occasionally get out for a treat. Any of these things exhaust me and it takes me days to recover back to my already low baseline. Even from something I really wanted to do.

Mental health services are inadequate and difficult to access. It’s all very well people suggesting that he takes his meds, goes to talking therapy etc., but if those things don’t help or you’re just too unwell to access them, you’re stuck.

I don’t know what to suggest to you that might help @stressed2411 , but if you want to leave you should leave.

Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 14:50

Mud garden I get where you are coming from and your point of view is relevant

however we have not heard from your dp, I bet you satisfy him and make his life happy in other ways and that makes for an ok life for him

the op in this scenario has constantly said she isn’t happy and seems to want an out.

yes MH services in this country are shocking but this guy won’t even go to the Drs and we have a responsibility to ourselves and those around us to resolve these things when they start massively impacting upon our job, our partners and our livelihood

he won’t do that, you are at least trying

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 15:39

Thanks @Mudgarden and others for the recent responses. Out of interest, does your depression ever make you angry?

I feel like all of this is taking a toll on him and he is now getting angry/shouting over trivial things.

I'm kicking myself for letting the situation get to this but I feel so alone and feel like I can't share the full extent of what's going on to anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 15:43

One of my thoughts is maybe he doesn't want to be with me, but is using this as an excuse as he doesn't want to be the one to end it?

As he really isn't trying anymore, I bought up the subject of getting a job the other day and he actually said he doesn't know and maybe he'll never get a job again. It's like he is saying things to push my buttons or stuff that will make me upset.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 15:45

Do you still love him op? Or are you scared of being alone?

I think you seem scared of going it alone

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 15:54

@Quitelikeit I definitely do love him but I think I've come to realise that me loving him maybe isn't enough to sustain the relationship.

But I am definitely scared of going it alone, if I wasn't I think I would have left months ago. As I said earlier on I've had major fertility issues and I'm very scared of never having the opportunity to have children again.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 15:57

See op I don’t think you can see the woods for the trees

babies are expensive and are like throwing a bomb into your relationship- not joking

not only do you worry about yourself, you worry about the baby, going to work and leaving it with such a depressed man as you can’t afford childcare because he doesn’t work and your salary is needed to maintain the home and bills

if you don’t close this door how will you ever open the next one?

you need courage - it is only yourself that is standing in the way of a new future

Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 15:57

Just because you have fertility issues it doesn’t mean no other man will love you

Quitelikeit · 18/12/2022 15:59

What does he say when you end it? Does he say he will get help? Does he say he loves you? Beg you to come home?

he is really taking you for granted though by saying he’s never going back to work etc

i mean how will he survive financially if you go? How will he pay the bills?

Original poster
stressed2411 · 18/12/2022 16:00

Thanks, I know it sounds ridiculous but it's how I feel. I come from a culture where divorces are frowned upon, having kids is a big deal so im also wary of those repercussions

OP posts: