Advice needed - DH problems

[stressed2411]

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Do not go back to him, take a watch and wait stance. if he actually does anything and improves then consider trying again.

But currently all he has done is drop even the pretence of doing any work.

He wants to try something new? does he have any ideas what this something new is.

If you own a house together get it on the market before he doesn't have the motivation to clean or maintain it and it becomes a dead cheap stinks of the human waste he is now storing in plastic bags hell hole.

Oh OP, please don’t ever think like this. I stayed in an abusive relationship for this reason, and the best thing that ever happened to me was getting my life back and finding a proper functional adult relationship with a lovely man. It’s not on you to make it work. You can leave because it doesn’t make you happy. You don’t need a better reason that that, but if you do then maybe this: you owe it to your future children to not knowing give them a shit, avoidant, disfunctional father.

Please look up the sunk cost fallacy. And it’s never too late to change your life for the better 💐

"Get off my back".......that's what you will be listening to from now on......disrespect.

He's a bratty teenager and you are his mother.

Ick.

I wouldn't buy a cat with him, not to mind a house or have a poor child.

OP, you are at a fork on the road of your life.

Don't choose poorly and live to regret it.

Be brave.
Get the hell out.

👏👏Never too late........ But better early!! I was early 50s before I did it, very similar scenario. Ex hadn't worked since third child born, I ended up working full time, doing everything domestic and having a fourth dependent with ex husband. Only after I left that I thought clearly, was too busy and knackered to think straight whilst in the thick of it! A lot of the 'symptoms' you describe are the same, he had no motivation, would promise to do things to make himself better but never did. I think he enjoyed the 'sick role' gave him an excuse to abdicate all responsibility.

Get out please, if necessary have children as a single parent, but at your age you still have time to find a decent father. 🌻

OP, honestly he sounds like an entiltiled, workshy man child who just doesn't like the reality of being a grown up who has to suck up the crappy bits of their job becaise there are bills to pay. The fact that he is able to see mates and do the stuff he wants to do, and refuses to properly engage in strategies to overcome his 'depression', would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

He is showing you what life with him will be like if you stay. Do you really want what you are seeing?

Don’t let him drag you down with him.
He sounds lazy !

Get out now while you can .
Sounds harsh , but what’s he bringing to your life .

@The4teddybears

Do you want children?

If you do you'll be raising them alone as a man like him won't get involved with them;you'd also have to find full time childcare as you'd be the only one with a stable job.

You're 33 and living a half-life with a newly minted cock lodger;he's quit his job?;great!;now who's paying his share of things?

Project Cocklodge is in completion, then.

@Blanca87 what do you mean?

Thanks to all have responded, currently making plans to get out. I've spoken to my sister so she is now aware of what's going on as well.

He is a fully fledged cocklodger.

Isn't he just.
Job gone.
Doing fxxk all.
Living off the OP.

Telling her to "get off my back"🙄

Total waster......I so hope she is busy packing.

Well done op.

you have done the right thing.

you will never be able to cure this man - so many women try to do this - you are not a DR nor a Psychiatrist, nor his mummy or his financial aid

please don’t feel sorry for him

unfortunately he needs to help himself - he will realise that at some point - but don’t wait for that day to come as it could be years away

please come and update us

Hi All - I'm afraid I need some further advice. I have sorted out the logistics side, however I now need help with communicating this to all involved.

Firstly, DH - how do I tell him, I know I'm not responsible for him but he doesn't really have a support network so would have no one to talk to about this.

Secondly - I plan to go back home but I don't just want to turn up with a suitcase. How can I communicate what's going on to my parents before I arrive?

I would tell your DH that you need to talk to him.

you don’t have to be unkind just explain in the kindest way that you have not been happy for a while and things are not working out for you.

you can say the same thing to your parents - tell them as much or as little as you like. Go as far to tell them you have been unhappy for a while, that you have tried to help him and that he isn’t taking any responsibility by seeking outside help.

explain this created enormous strain.

they might not be surprised tbh

dont bottle this. Do it while you have got the strength

i know you are worried about his lack of support but that is not your issue for now.

Excellent advice.

The marriage has run its course.
There is NO saving it.

Be very clear to him and your parents that it is OVER.

You deserve to not live a life of sacrifice, to all those around you.

Keep it simply.

Do not get into a big discussion with him, that moment has past.

He has made life decisions complete independent of you.
Now you have too.

No explanation and most importantly NO apology to him or your parents.

You have nothing to apologise for.

Good luck.

Your first thought appears to be for your STBxD. That's ideal, if you are in a relationship of equals where you each cherish the other. If that was how your relationship goes, there would be no need to separate.

Please, don't continue to put his needs above your own.

I agree with PP that you tell him 'we need to talk' and tell him what you are going to do. Resist any impulse to go into 'parent' mode by suggesting things that he could do from here on in.

You are separating, as is absolutely your prerogative. He needs to work out for himself what that means for him, by himself. You can agree what happens next but he can't stop you.

All the best.

From my own experience, I dreaded telling my parents that I had broken up my first serious relationship. Imagine my surprise when their only reaction was to take it on board and, later, express their relief. Colour me surprised. Family do sometimes have their own opinions which the good ones keep to themselves.

Hello again - I'm currently packing my bags to leave tomorrow and could really do with some support. He shouted at me today which gave me an extra push to just get the hell out and not worry about his feelings as he clearly doesn't care about mine. Haven't told my parents what's going on, so currently the plan is to just turn up and see how it goes.

Haven't told my parents what's going on, so currently the plan is to just turn up and see how it goes

Why would you not tell them what's going on? You may not want to tell them all the details, but surely they need notice before you stay with them? I know you didn't want to worry them, but you might be staying there for a while.

Maybe that is for the best - no time for you to overthink it all or start worrying about how to look after everyone except yourself (which is what you were doing before).

You will be okay and you will come out the other side of this. Keep reminding yourself of that. 💐

Oh OP. Good luck. Courage. I was in your shoes about two months ago and it's been so difficult but I am so relieved to have done it.
Exactly the same thing of having bags packed and ready. It's heartbreaking but it needs to be done. What would be more heartbreaking would be to live another year- another five years- etc of your life in this way.
We can have empathy for damaged men/loved ones, but you only have one life and you cannot spend it becoming less and less happy, prioritising the needs and wants of someone who clearly doesn't prioritise yours.
Good luck at your parents. If it becomes too much explaining, tell them you need to sleep first or even need a day or so before you talk about. It's a really difficult situation and you can just say that- it's not easy.
You are doing the right thing, 100%. You deserve better than living on egg shells/with someone's issues that clearly impact on your life and well-being.

Can you text your parents that you have left H, and will be arriving soon? Or otherwise just turn up. Stay safe as you tell him. Remember your welfare is your priority, not his.

Thanks all, I haven't told them as atm I'm on a roll and if I start discussing it I feel like I would lose my nerve. They will be fine with me just turning up, they have a spare room and aren't the type who need advance notice. Also my sister knows and she'll be there when I arrive.

Given he's not been waking up till late afternoon, I plan to just leave whilst he's sleeping. Might leave a note but I definitely do not want to get into another argument. I'm done.

Good luck tomorrow. You have tried to support him but he has to want to help himself so you're doing the right thing for yourself.