Advice needed - DH problems

[stressed2411]

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

OP I was in your position a few years ago and felt just as hopeless and unsure. Now I look at my life with a partner who respects me, where we look after each other, and think 'thank fuck I left that twat'

I know you're scared of the future but trust me, things will get so much better once you get rid.

My ex H "struggled" with working too. After 20 years of this I struggled with looking after a giant sponge.
He's now living in a crap bedsit on benefits and I'm living in my nice home in the country relieved he has gone.

Thanks everyone. You are all right of course. I just didn't realise how lonely I would feel after leaving and the future looks so uncertain.
He had convinced me that I had gone about things in the wrong way and I was starting to feel really bad about it. I've started to see a therapist too which is helping.

@BuffyTheBuffetSlayer
Beautifully put!

OP please read this - more than once. Xx

Hi OP,
I replied to you when you started this thread- I had thought of you over the last year and hoped you were ok. Your situation resonated with me as my husband who I am in the process of divorcing was behaving similarly- sleeping at strange hours, being grumpy and unreliable and generally not acting like a functioning adult or a person in a relationship. Mine was also drinking (and taking drugs it turns out) and I had to leave because his behaviour became so strange and frightening in the summer.
My point is- I was bewildered and sad for a few months. My husband also kept on trying to keep me attached by pretending he wanted to sort things out (in words, not actions).
Do not fall for any such traps! You were being made unhappy and he was clearly unhappy too. Why would you return to that situation?
I am glad to hear you’ve started seeing a therapist, I’m sure that will help a lot. It may make you realise that the relationship was more unhealthy than you realised at the time, in terms of enabling his selfish and unreasonable behaviour and establishing how or why your own needs were being put so low below his.
I recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much if I haven’t already!
i am so much happier in myself since freeing myself of the mental space my husband was taking up, all the worry and care I put into him. I deserve better than that and so do you.

Hi all - I really need a hand hold today as I've made the difficult decision to go ahead with a divorce. I've just had a conversation with my mum and I can't stop crying. Please share any positive thoughts/stories you have as at the moment it feels like my whole world is falling apart

@stressed2411 it's hard to end a marriage but if it's any help I think you are doing the right thing. You're crying now because this is the bit where reality hits you, when you're crying for all the good bits and the future you thought you'd have together. Cry and get it out, all the disappointment, the frustration, and then, when you feel better, look to the future, all the things you'd like to do now you only have yourself to worry about.
Your DH is trying to make this your fault but look to the future- he's working now but if you'd gone back would he have done that or would you have been supporting you both for years? Don't be sad, you've done the hardest part making a decision - onwards and upwards!

You’re absolutely doing the right thing op
well done - your future self will thank you!! Stay strong!