Advice needed - DH problems

[stressed2411]

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[quote stressed2411]@Givemepickles difficult to pinpoint what triggers him. It can be anything, but mainly small arguments getting blown out of proportion. He also hates when I raise my voice/shout. I admit I can get pretty angry too, well I used to, now I hardly react. [/quote]
Yup that sounds just like ADHD too, but of course lots of people have a short fuse as well who don't have ADHD. Anxiety and stress can cause arguments to blow up as the person spirals from the one small thing to making it an issue about the relationship and dragging up the past etc.

Has he lost friends or fallen out with anyone over his behaviour? Ever been pulled up on the silly things he says or does in social situations? Things like that may get him to want to figure out what's going on. I always wanted to "fix" myself so not sure how to advise someone who doesn't engage in their own issues unfortunately.

I read your post and immediately thought adhd. Often has gone undiagnosed in adults, who have learned coping strategies. Adhd isn’t just hyperactivity and massive amounts of energy, it is also procrastination (missing deadlines), avoidance, inability to focus. Also a lack of interoception (understanding what your body is telling you) so doesn’t realise when he is hungry/tired/frustrated/angry until he is starving/exhausted/lashing out is an autistic and adhd trait.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick you're right in a way. It's almost like I know in my head I have to leave, I just can't seem to go through with it. Last time I went to stay at my parents, I went with the intention of telling my family/friends how I was feeling. But I couldn't do it, so just came back home.

I almost just need a hand hold and be told it's ok to leave and that I won't end up alone and childless and regret leaving.

Although it doesn't sound like it on this thread, when things are good we are great together. But as you can see when they are bad, it's pretty bleak.

You don't have to stay. You don't need anyone's permission to leave.
Your life matters just as much as his. Don't fall victim to the sunk costs fallacy.
I have bipolar. It's made me a nightmare to live with in the past. Since being diagnosed 9 yrs ago I see a psychiatrist and psychologist frequently. I take my meds without fail. I reach out to these professionals when I realise I'm getting very unwell again.
I try really, really hard not to be a weight on my husband.
So I'm not dismissing or being cruel about mental health conditions.
What I'm saying is he owes it to you to try to seek help and improve.
And if he won't, well then you don't owe him anything.

Do I leave now whilst I am still 'young'. Or should I just stick it out as I've wasted too many years and how am I ever going to find someone new, especially with my fertility issues.

You only have 1 life, don’t waste it. It sounds like you’re only with him through fear of not finding someone else. Honestly I’d rather die alone and happy than with someone who dragged me down. MH issues are serious but it sounds like you don’t like him much when he’s well either.

My DSis was married to someone like your DH. She eventually left him and met someone else. Unfortunately it was too late for her to have children by then. Don't waste anymore of your life

If you're looking for permission to leave him Op you don't need it, if you're not happy then you can end this and move on. He may be depressed but thst's not your fault and you don't have to stay

@Givemepickles yes this has actually happened. He recently fell out with a friend due him making some jokes that the friend didn't like. It's like he can't read social cues/situations well so will just keep going even when people clearly want him to stop.

He also doesn't have many friends. His family isn't great either. So in a way I do feel like I'd be 'abandoning' him.

He doesn't seem to think what he says is an issue though, whenever I've tried to bring it up he says it is just me that feels that way and maybe he should just not talk at all and be completely silent. Usually ends up in another argument.

Oh lovely, have you read about the https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/ ?

It is not your job to try and fix this man who isn't doing anything to help himself.

You only get one life. Please don't waste yours thinking that it is too late for you.

How about a short visit with your parents to give you some space and a change to think how your life could be different. Make some plans. Think about whether you would miss him. Or would it be as if a high Biden had been lifted.

Only you can choose but honestly I don't see anything here for you. Good luck.

Op, you may find it enlightening to read up on how autism and adhd present in adults who weren’t diagnosed as children.

In year 6, the penny dropped and my son was diagnosed as autistic (aka aspergers), adhd, sensory processing difficulties, hypermobility, demand avoidance etc.

It was only then that I realised that my (unfortunately soon to be ex) dh had pretty much identical traits and behaviours.There is a TED talk on YouTube about adults with undiagnosed autism and adhd by (I think) Tony Atwood, which is worth a watch.

Don’t you dare stay I’m leaving I’ve had enough of bipolar behaviour the grumpiness the last month again has been hell you get as much help as you can and get out. I realised last year the thought of another 20 years of this fills me with dread. No we caters are worn out and worn down hugs handhold.

Personally, and rather harshly, I think you need to draw a line under it whilst you can OP.

Having children is a massive responsibility and strain on a relationship. You need a partner that has your back and actively helps. He sounds like he’d just leave you to it.

Does he ever catch you if you fall? If the answer is no, go.

Coming from the other side of this, I have bipolar and have just come out of a massive depressive stage, my partner picked up the majority of the slack, including doing his full time job, but with us, communication is the key, I know the signs as to when I am going down hill and can communitcate that to him, might not be able to do much else, but also I am pro active now (haven't been in the past) in reaching out to people/healthcare to get the support I need.

If he is not being proactive, then you will just find yourself getting more and more resentful

Please stop convincing yourself that you have to stay with him. You don't. He is an anchor around your neck, and I believe you know you need to end this marriage. You are not a rehab centre for damaged men, you can't fix him. Don't throw away your youth and fertility on a relationship that isn't working.

@Holothane I hope you manage to get out of your situation too, thanks for the support

@stressed2411

I unwittingly married a man with undiagnosed ADHD;it took years for a doctor to actually come to the realisation that the reason my DH is depressed/struggles to cope and the depression is anti depressant resistant is due to him being neuro divergent.

I love him but if I knew that he'd developed depression and mental health issues in his mid twenties when the cracks really started to show and he couldn't mask his additional needs anymore then I'd have not had a family with him.

I won't lie;life with him has been seriously hard;has pushed to my limits physically,mentally and emotionally and I've practically raised my kids single handedly as he just wasn't a present father when they small.

The life you're currently leading with this man is how you're going to spend the rest of your life.If you have children with him,you'll be doing it alone,I can't see him pitching in and you'll end up struggling to raise a family whilst dealing with a chronically depressed man.

It's not fair to inflict that life on a child either.

You have no children yet,and you're 34.

Please please walk away whilst you still have the chance;don't be me;you have the chance of a better life;take it.

You need to leave - please please leave.
You are 34.
The window for the "full package" (house kids dog suburban life etc) is closing.
This man cannot offer you a future.

He is unsociable / cannot offer you a full normal social life.
His refusal to go to bed (sorry but he does not have insomnia and is choosing poor sleep habits) is negatively impacting your life.
You cannot responsibly have children with him.
You cannot rely on him in any meaningful way and know he is a financial liability / millstone waiting to happen.
You are stalling on homeownership because he is a financial liability/ millstone.

If this was a happy healthy relationship you'd have a house and be having fertility treatment.
It's not, and you are living a half life hoping either change will come (it won't) or you'll learn to be content with your half life (very very unlikely)

I was in a very similar relationship aged 30. I thought my family loved him and for various reasons really pressured myself to "make it work". They did not - their relief was palpable when I eventually left.
I am now late 30s married to my wonderful DH, in a nice home / living a good life and 36 weeks pregnant with our first 🤩

GET OUT. NOW.

OP, I also think you should leave.

This man may or may not have depression and/or ADHD. But it could take years to unpick / diagnose / treat / see any difference in his behaviour.

Meanwhile you will have lost your chance to have a baby

It's time to put yourself first OP. You're 34, you can still meet someone else and have a family but if you don't do something about this you will waste all your fertile years on a man who, for whatever reason, isn't in the right place to have a family. While he'll still have the option of becoming an older dad with someone else.

The depression is almost irrelevant here. I would advise any woman who is 34 and wants a family and for any reason can't TTC in her current relationship to leave.

You can tell your family and friends this reason if you don't want to give the real reason.

You have done your best to help your H, but ultimately, it's his responsibility, and he has to want to help himself.

In no universe are you ever going to be able to make him want to help himself. Partly because you are actually supporting him, because his life just continues to roll on (because you do the shopping/cleaning/cooking etc) despite his 'depressive' episodes and workshy attitude. Partly because he thinks 'life is too hard' , so I just won't bother !

He's had your support, and it's done nothing.
He's taken years from you already.

Don't let him take your whole life !
Don't let him take a second more !

You deserve better !
You deserve to be loved and cared for !
You deserve the chance to have children with a real father !

All you need to do is say....

''I'm sorry, but I can't continue to live like this anymore, so I'm leaving.''

Then leave !

Yeah nah. I'd dump him.
You sound codependent.
Life doesn't have to be this hard.

I was rooting for you both until I saw he doesn't take his medication and it just got worse from there.

I have a lot of time for people with mental health problems, as I have had my own in the past. But when someone's MH is impacting the people around them, I think they have a moral obligation to do everything they can to get better. Your DH isn't doing that, despite the toll it is taking on you.

I think you are still young and you should leave.

Before my DH was diagnosed with anxiety he refused to believe that his problems were MH. The doctors didn’t know what they were talking about. He came up with all sorts of other physical problems that it could be, and when he finally did get out of bed he spent his time googling to find proof it wasn’t MH.
In the mean time I ran the house, worked and did the children.
I thought about leaving but it never feels bad enough to end it, I always thought I’d end it if he did ‘this’, but when he did ‘this’ I moved the goal posts. In hind sight I should have gone, and not let him drag us all down.

Take the thought of kids out for a moment, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ?

In order to have me wanting to stay with him, he would need to at least be doing everything in his power to try and get better.

This includes taking his meds properly, getting therapy, regular fresh air/exercise, and trying to implement a proper sleep routine. If your DH isn't willing to do those things I would leave.

[quote stressed2411]@Givemepickles difficult to pinpoint what triggers him. It can be anything, but mainly small arguments getting blown out of proportion. He also hates when I raise my voice/shout. I admit I can get pretty angry too, well I used to, now I hardly react. [/quote]
Your whole post screams undiagnosed ADHD- low level depression, over sharing socially, non responsiveness to medication, poor job record, lack of employment commitment. I highly suspect ADHD is the case.