Advice needed - DH problems

[stressed2411]

Hi All,

I desperately need some advice and I’ve seen some good advice been given here in the past so I’m hoping you can help me.

DH (34) is depressed. He is currently going through a phase where he stays up for most of the night, sleeps through most of the day, waking up anytime between 3-6pm, eating something and then spends the rest of the evening watching movies or playing on his phone. I work full time (currently from home). We have no kids.

He has a good job, but is currently signed off work. His employer has referred him to a therapist who he is seeing once a week. He does seem to really struggle with work, always being in trouble due to missing deadlines or other issues. He has struggled in previous jobs too so this isn’t a one off.

He has been through a few of these phases before and it’s always the same cycle. He loses interest in work, starts to sleep in, eventually tells work he is depressed and gets signed off. The last time it went on for 6 weeks. I used to try and help him with all of this, by forcing him to wake up, giving him a coffee and breakfast in bed and even helping get his work stuff ready. However, this time I have completely left him to it. I get up for work and do my own thing - it’s like we are room mates.

We live in a city away from both of our families and I have very few friends here. Due to this and wfh, I’m currently spending most of my time alone and have spent the last few evenings in tears as I feel so alone and helpless.

To the outside world, we are a normal, sociable couple. We keep up appearances and as an example, DH was able to go his weekly football match this week with no issues. No one is aware what is going on behind closed doors. My mum is also currently having some health issues so I don’t want to worry her unless I really have to.

Apologies for the rambling, but I just don’t know what to do. Part of me just wants to leave but then I think am I being too harsh? Should I be more supportive as a wife.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[quote stressed2411]@Givemepickles yes this has actually happened. He recently fell out with a friend due him making some jokes that the friend didn't like. It's like he can't read social cues/situations well so will just keep going even when people clearly want him to stop.

He also doesn't have many friends. His family isn't great either. So in a way I do feel like I'd be 'abandoning' him.

He doesn't seem to think what he says is an issue though, whenever I've tried to bring it up he says it is just me that feels that way and maybe he should just not talk at all and be completely silent. Usually ends up in another argument. [/quote]
Read the descriprion for RSD- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - very common with ADHD. Arguments will send him into a spiral, these culminate in low level depression. Im not saying you should stay but if he was diagnosed and sucessfully medicated I think he might be a very different person. Im currently seeking diagnosis because I suffer from a lot of what you have written. I cannot do social groups and struggle with friendships as the investment in them may result in conflict.

@Ivyonafence

I was rooting for you both until I saw he doesn't take his medication and it just got worse from there.

I have a lot of time for people with mental health problems, as I have had my own in the past. But when someone's MH is impacting the people around them, I think they have a moral obligation to do everything they can to get better. Your DH isn't doing that, despite the toll it is taking on you.

I think you are still young and you should leave.

If he has ADHD his medication will not have any effect on his depression.

Agree with updownroundandround

You have more then tried, you are allowed some happiness in your life, time to move on.

Well to be fair I have/have had depression and am very good at faking a happy conversation with others as I don’t want them to know how I’m feeling, same with forcing myself to go out somewhere.

Do you talk about his depression? What does he say about it? Is he on medication?

@SunnyLeaf

Well to be fair I have/have had depression and am very good at faking a happy conversation with others as I don’t want them to know how I’m feeling, same with forcing myself to go out somewhere.

Do you talk about his depression? What does he say about it? Is he on medication?

I’m so sorry I had only read your first few posts OP and thought that was it, now see you’ve posted loads since and answered those questions.

Fundamentally if you’re not happy you need to put yourself first and leave, no-one could blame you for that. Don’t be here in ten years time saying you wish you had left and it’s just the same. Because in all likelihood it may will be.

OP things are going well the planning stage decluttering discreetly you too -lease leave I’m 55 now your 20 years younger make plans and go. Hugs hand hold.

I’ve just separated from my husband to to his mental health. He started suffering with bad depression about 15 years ago but thinking back he did show signs when I first met him . He has made my life hell , he overdosed a few times , self harmed and was an alcoholic. I would say if he won’t get help you will not have a happy life with him . After 25 years I am now suffering due to me staying with him x

[quote stressed2411]@Givemepickles yes this has actually happened. He recently fell out with a friend due him making some jokes that the friend didn't like. It's like he can't read social cues/situations well so will just keep going even when people clearly want him to stop.

He also doesn't have many friends. His family isn't great either. So in a way I do feel like I'd be 'abandoning' him.

He doesn't seem to think what he says is an issue though, whenever I've tried to bring it up he says it is just me that feels that way and maybe he should just not talk at all and be completely silent. Usually ends up in another argument. [/quote]
I think the important point is that he's not willing to work on this. It's not good enough for him to say that only you have a problem with it (or his friends). In a relationship, if one person has a problem then there is a problem that needs solving together. It's not something you can make him see of course, he has to do some introspection and self-improvement. Ironically, you leaving him could be the one thing that makes him do that.

OP,
You do not need anyone's permission to leave.

If you were my daughter I would be helping you to pack.

You are so young with one precious life.

No property to sell?
You work from home?

Get those bags packed, go home, tell the truth.

He is not a project.

Thank God you haven't children.

This is NOT a man to consider having children with.

Stop dragging things out.

Be brave.

Get out.

So, two things.

First, it seems like things are not right even besides all this. So count me in the "divorce" camp.

Second: it's not as if you staying is resulting in any progress right now, is it? That's a fact, regardless of the why's.

Like many PPs I'm more your Mum's age than yours, and what seems like a long relationship when you're 34, well, the perspective really changed after another couple of decades or more! Go. Restart life.

I'm in camp LTB, and I've had a lot of mh problems. I feel sad for you and feel like there a much better person for you out there (or a fun single life with your great career etc).

Hi everyone, firstly I wanted to say thank you so much to all of you for your advice and support, every single reply is much appreciated.

I just wanted to provide an update as you have all been so lovely.

I think I’ve pretty much made the decision that I need to leave, my plan is to go back to my parents and stay there for a month or so and see how he responds.
There’s a few logistical issues to work out, as although I wfh the majority of the time I do need to go into the office every so often, the office is in the city I currently live in with DH.

In terms of the ADHD diagnosis, I have raised it with DH and he has been reading up on it. He was defensive at first but does agree that he fits the criteria.

If it ok, I think I will post updates here from time to time as no doubt I will waiver when it comes time to leave.

Well done.
Take time and space to figure out what sort of a future you want.

Staying with him means you will be the adult/carer/fixer of everything in this relationship.

A very tough environment to bring children into.

You will be the default parent with a man who is very difficult.

Your life has value.

Any man is NEVER better than no man.

Definitely update if you like.

Wishing you the best.

Glad he's exploring the adhd side, but even if he isn't you've made the right decision. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour!

Wishing you all the best hugs and handholds over the next few months.

Good luck OP. Wishing you all the very best.

Hi All - resurrecting this thread as I did say I may need to revisit to get some further advice and support.
As an update, I did go and stay with my parents for a few weeks and worked from there.
The next part will make me sound weak but once there I got an update on my parents health issues and both of them are not doing very well atm, awaiting test results etc. If I'm honest I couldn't bring myself to fully tell them what is going on, as I didn't want to add to their worries. However, I dropped a few hints with my mum to let her know things aren't exactly rosy between DH and I. I have also confided in a close friend who has been a great support.

In terms of DH, he has now quit/resigned from his job. As he has cited mental health reasons, he will be paid for his 3 month notice period. He doesn't know what he wants to do but thinks he wants to retrain as something else. Part of me wants to give him a chance and see how these 3 months go, maybe not having the burden of work responsibilities will help him think more clearly. The other part of me thinks this is wishful thinking and I should just get out now.

It would be great to get your thoughts as my head is all over the place atm and I feel like I change my mind every few hours.

The thing that struck me about your posts is that it's all about him, isn't it? He's behaving in a certain way, you are trying to find out what's wrong, you're having to worry about the future etc while he's playing football and watching TV.

I do have experience of living with someone with severe depression and I think you can lose something of yourself. However I'm not convinced that what he's suffering from is depression.

If I were you I'd get out now. Honestly, it doesn't matter what your parents think - they'll get over it. I think you should move closer to friends and family and start again. Your life with your husband would otherwise just be more of the same. You are as important as he is. It's important you lead a full life.

You have one precious life. Do you want to spend it like this?

Do you think your parents would want you putting your whole life on hold like this because of them?

I really truly doubt that this is what they would want for you. Least of all on their account.

I don't think you sound weak, I think you sound scared of change, which is understandable. Just know it's a normal and survivable emotion, and there will never be a perfect time.

What a shame op. I was hoping your update would be more positive

why do you expect this man to change, he has showed you who he is and your gut has been telling you to walk away

it was never going to be amazing moving back home or facing the prospects of divorce but by god your prospects look even bleaker if you stay with him!

you have supported him and that’s all well and good but you can’t cure this man. He will continue in this vein unless he actively wants to change

oeople suffering from MH issues can be very very selfish and make everything about them especially when challenged on their illness

if you had a baby with this man I dread to think what would become if your finances and housing situation

he is not willing to work, a baby is much harder than most things in life so do he careful here!

I can't tell you if he's exaggerating his depression or not but it's perfectly possible to be able to socialise and appear OK but actually feel deeply depressed. Have you not seen all the photos of people looking very happy just a few days before they killed themselves? I think posters are showing their ignorance by saying if he's well enough to go to football he's not really depressed.That's a ridiculous notion and really highlights the ignorance around mental illness. My DH also suffers depression which comes in cycles. During these times he finds it extremely difficult to concentrate on work. He says his brain just doesn't function properly. He does continue to work (simply because he's managing many people and projects and doesn't feel he's able to take time off. I wish he would!) but he's working at about 20% and feels very ashamed of his poor work. The one thing that has always helped my husband recover is antidepressants. There have been tweaks to his medication to get it right but they really do help him. As for you - I understand and know how helpless you feel. I feel exactly the same when my DH is depressed. All you can do is focus on your own wellbeing. We have children so when DH is depressed I go in to autopilot and just have to be strong and get on with things. I become overly fun to compensate for my husband's low mood. It's fine if you can't cope with the relationship. You need to decide whether to stay. There's little you can do about your husband's depression. Of course you can support him emotionally but the battle is his.

Thanks for all the responses. I've had a difficult few days with trying to work out next steps. I think him quitting his job is a significant step which again he hasn't told anyone about. I asked him if he would be letting anyone know and he said it's no one else business. I wonder whether I should let my family know, but again I feel like I would be betraying his confidence. His relationship (and mine) is complicated/difficult with his family and they definitely wouldn't provide the support he requires.

But for example, I have just spoken to my sister and not mentioned anything and I feel like I should have? She will find out soon enough as they are in the same industry and have the same contacts so it's not like it will be a secret for long.

Apologies for all the rambling, I'm just trying to get my thoughts in order.

@SallyWD thanks for sharing your experience. Has your DH always suffered with depression? Interesting that medication really helps, DH has been prescribed antidepressants in the past but has not really committed to taking them.

Also, the fact that he still 'feels' like he should carry on working. DH almost treats it as an excuse to have a day off / week off work.

You desperately need some decent therapy to figure out why you place SO LITTLE VALUE ON YOUR LIFE.

You are protecting your parents, protecting him, not telling people he has resigned........

Every bloody thing is about him and protecting everyone except @stressed2411.

Why?
Why has your life no value to you?

You need to leave this relationship.

It would be beyond stupid and selfish to have a child with a man so utterly wrapped up in himself.

Whatever his label, you are not going to EVER fix it.

What you will be required to do is shut up and put up with any an all behaviour.

Never complain.
Just work and support.

Have children with him and you will know nothing but stress and misery.

Making brave decisions is tough but staying with him out of fear or loyalty or because your mother likes him, is madness.

You have given him enough years.

He has three months pay, get out NOW while he is being paid.

Don't wait for him to be unemployed for months faffing around thinking about what he might do.

Get out now before his choices and faffing become a massive problem that you are paying for.

No house, no morgage, no living off you.

Don't make things more complicated.

Be brave.

Thanks @billy1966 I really do need some tough talking. I do realise I come off on this thread as downtrodden and indecisive. If this was a friend writing this, I'd be wanting to give them a shake.

Like I said earlier in the thread, I make tough decisions everyday at work and hold a senior position. But when it comes to my marriage I'm constantly making excuses.

Today was his last day, he has just returned home and I casually asked him how it was and if he felt relieved. I then asked him cheerily 'so what's the plan for the next few weeks' and he said oh great, I've finally dealt with work and now you're on my back.