Dating thread 225: Roses are red, violets are blue

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SortingItOut, Mr V is a lovely guy and I know I would be very, very upset if things ended. I can't quite get my head around how or why exactly I am being so patient - well actually I'm not patient, it frustrates me hugely. But he has brought a period of calm and consistency to my life. I can also recognise though that on a rather more shallow level he is the best looking guy I have been out with for some time. This really isn't usually a priority to me but he's got a certain look and persona, he used to play semi professional football and is a good dancer. He's the sort of guy I would have eyed up in a club but would never have dreamt he'd head my way. I don't have massively low self esteem but I do know my limitations ! And of course the lack of sexual intimacy can impact your confidence that you are appealing in that way. He takes all my fairly straight talking in his stride and assures me that he is into me and sees a future with me. He is not remotely love bomby though and has always struggled I would say to convey his feelings. I thrive on a bit of flirtation and he's not flirty. Sorry, I'm just putting out my train of thought, sometimes formulating things on here and how to say them helps.

@SortingItOut truthfully he's set the bar really high because he dotes on me. I think I was feeling stressed over life and my anxiety turned to him/us unnecessarily. He's a great support usually. I'm just taking things as they come and trying not to let my work stress me out.

@Stepcount Wanting a good looking partner is not shallow at all. I am sure that you are also beautiful.

I totally get the lack of sex denting your confidence especially when he is not flirty either. I see sex and flirting as signs they fancy you and having that little confidence boost does wonders for us but when its missing it quickly reduces our faith in the relationship and then we have to seek reassurance.

@SortingItOut, yes, I absolutely agree re flirting and sex and I have told him the impact it's having on me. to which he will tell me not to feel that way, reassures me about his feelings and then proceeds to carry on as before. At 57 he's not going to change, he may shift with encouragement from me but fundamentally he is who he is. I am always conscious of a moving time frame in my mind by when I feel I need things sexually to have changed - but the cut off point keeps moving, mostly because the other 95% of our time together is good fun. And I am not sure that ultimatums work because I may issue one and not get the response I want. If I am going to say 'it's over if X doesn't change ' then I need to mean it. We're planning a few days away soon. I think we also suffer somewhat from my DD being around a lot so some total privacy and no other demands or distractions will be good for us.
I am meant to be doing some online training for my new part time role/job. I'm so out of the habit of work and deadlines !!

@Eesha I'm so pleased you have found a good one.
Is there actually time to do all your work in your paid hours and you just naturally get stressed about work or is there too much work and not enough time?

@Stepcount Ultimatums are just awful especially when you have no idea how the talk would go.
A few days away sound good, at my house I always have my son here so privacy isn't great, its why I like to go to Mr K's if I can.

A new job? That's great news. Getting into the routine of work is difficult if you've had any time away from the workplace.

@Stepcount think having total privacy will definitely help! I can’t relax properly with kids in the house.

[quote cravingthelook]@Bangheadhere40 Mr Farmer is a twat.

So I'm glad I didn't name the iron. But for reference here - he's jacked up coward. (I like that tbh might change his number to that) We talked a bit on Saturday but no real conclusion and well the chemistry and lust took over. We spent a lot of time just cuddling in between the epic bouts of sex.
But after he left I realised I don't know what this is and I didn't like the anxious feeling - so planned to say this to him on Wednesday and just spell out he needs to meet me 'here' or we aren't going forward.

He messaged today to say how wonderful I am and it's taken him by surprise and he just isn't ready for it and he doesn't want to lead me on. He has an amazing amount of attraction to me but the kissing and cuddling being so lovely and relaxed has got his walls up and he doesn't want to be the twat that keeps sleeping with me when he's not ready for more.

I carefully replied that I had figured all that out and very very subtly called him a coward.

Yes I hurt but at least I'd figured it out myself before the text arrived so it didn't sting so badly and at least he had the balls to tell me and not ghost. It's only been a few weeks and thus easier to get over.

So on the positive side I feel like I've learnt a good lesson from Mr HT .... if they can't give me what I want, don't continue to sleep with them. They won't change their mind. Took me 9 months of pain with him to learn that one and I'm still not over him.

Mr jacked up coward will be a distant memory much quicker. [/quote]
Oh fuck I'm sorry this happened. But at least you got it out there a dealt with quickly. Like you say, he'll be a distant memory soon enough. And hopefully leave space in your life for someone else to come along.

@lesgalettes

Ok, I’m checking in. Longtime lurker and this is the thread where I’ll get the courage to start dating…

Welcome 🤗

@Eesha the thing about work is, it's not always the thing that we get nourishment from. Often it's our partners but work is a necessary evil and our partners can't always be here for us in the way we want. Doesn't mean they don't want to be, but if it's all piling on at the same time that's a tricky one

@cravingthelook I'm sorry this has also
Upset the balance between you and missJam. That's not a cool feeling. Go do
Something for you and reset your equilibrium 💖

@Stepcount I hope that things get sorted for MrV. I'm sure you've thought about it, but can you offer any intimacy to him eg massage or sensual touching

@Eesha ah I remember your threads last year with Mr yoga . I am glad you have found a good one

[quote Stayingstrongish]@Stepcount think having total privacy will definitely help! I can’t relax properly with kids in the house.[/quote]
Me too. I can't imagine having sex with DC in the house at the same time. Scary thought and not one I welcome!

@BelladiMamma indeed, for one thing I’m quite loud, and find it hard to be quiet when I get carried away 🙈

@Backonthedatingtrain22 thank you, I was desperately sad at the time because he got all het up saying he wasn't well and I was in limbo for ages wondering what was going on. I never expected to care much for anyone after that but this one is a decent sort so long may it last.

I have never had any acknowledgment of Valentine’s Day -married 25 years now divorcing. Current bf didn’t give me an Xmas present so no chance of Valentines

@JangolinaPitt how do you feel about that? No Christmas present when you are bf/gf is a bit odd unless it was all new at that time I guess.
I’m not a fan of valentines as my exH was hard work to deal with over any occasion - I would have loved a small acknowledgment though. I think Mr L is planning something this weekend - I just want to go to the pub Saturday to watch the rugby

ExH was a sh1t to me all year but was always big on occasions, and we actually enjoyed them together. Used to be a lovely respite and acknowledgement. Basically bread crumbing in a marriage!!

Hello, hoping for some words of wisdom with my "love dilemma" please 🙏 Seeing a guy from December however weren't on that many dates as I have my kids most of time. We had around 6 dates in total but spent whole last weekend together (yes... in bed 🤦‍♀️ ). He says almost only good things, is attentive, makes me feel he is dedicated to me only however while I started to develop warm feelings and checked his profile pictures tonight so I can see him (what a sod story 🤮) I noticed he rearranged some of his pics meaning he is active on an app). In general im not bothered about other side multi dating but we had sex so it doesn't feel right to me. There was no talk about exclusivity so its all good in that sense but it makes me think do I really want to be with guy that does it. I dont want to have my heart broken so want to de-attach. How to do it? Any ideas? (Im not in regular contact with him between dates so thats not a problem). Thank you x

@Hehx3, Hi and welcome. This is quite a common situation that people share on the thread- discovering that maybe you are at slightly different places with regard to how you view the dating. If there has been no conversation about exclusivity then some might say he’s not as such doing anything wrong. 6 dates in is a reasonable amount though I would say and it’s probably time to broach the subject. If he’s not on the same page as you about where you go from here then you will need to decide what works for you. It’s a while since I have been at the start of seeing someone but you do need to keep your needs and preferences at the forefront of decisions and state what you are comfortable with. Has there been any conversation so far about what either of you is looking for?

Hehx3
Just ask him straight
Eyeball him
And if you don’t like the answer , walk away x
I just think life is too short for this anguish sadly x

Sorry @Hehx3, just re read your post and you seem to be asking how you step away from him? Is that what you want? I think you need to check in with him first rather than assuming he’s actively still looking for other dates. He may well be and in that situation I would most likely put an end to things. I would expect someone after 6 dates and sex for that person to want to be ready to see only me.

Thank you @Stepcount and@Thisisworsethananticpated, You are right I will ask him straight (will see him in 2 weeks 🤦‍♀️ not sthg I would want to do over the phone). I think in a meantime I should cool of my feelings as things that he said do not add up with him still "thinking" what photos are good 🙁 Its is so disheartening isn't it? You either are in or out but not shake it all about for another human! (feeling stupid)

@Hehx3, absolutely no reason for you to feel stupid. There is no easy way to judge whether what someone says are their true feelings or what they think you want to hear. In real terms you barely know each other and are bound to be saying and doing things to compliment or ‘woo’ the other person. Maybe take a little step back now and see what contact he initiates over the next few days.

I have a 4th date this Friday and I’ll be asking the same thing
After I’ve had a shag out of him hahahaha
I’ll be upset but I really like him and it won’t work for my mental health
It’s totally a reasonable question

This OLD really skews normal boundaries
Sigh

My usual advice about exclusivity/what are we:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

Yeah feelings on OLD 😔 you would think that it should be a given after sex especially (when both parties are on the same page about wanting a relationship and not other) 😔 You are right @Stepcount I need to keep my preferences at front of my decision and it doesnt feel right but will wait till I talk with him.
@Thisisworsethananticpated I hope yours is a good one and you will get an answer you are looking for, I am likely to throw this fish back to pond after my talk and it seemed like a gold one 😔 I will try not to be hard on myself for taking him for his words thank you @Stepcount x