To IVF or not at 48?

[Peace4ever]

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

Aside from trying for a baby, the fact that he seems to resent the children you've actually got would be a huge red flag for me.

He wont accept your kids but wants his own? I don't think you should be having children with this man at all. sorry.

@LilQueenie

He wont accept your kids but wants his own? I don't think you should be having children with this man at all. sorry.

This. He sounds pretty awful OP, sorry.

Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?

are you really willing to go through tests and treatments hazardous to your health and spend thousands instead of just telling him no?

@LilQueenie

He wont accept your kids but wants his own? I don't think you should be having children with this man at all. sorry.

This, all day long.

I think you were very naive to think you would fall pregnant easily at 48

Who owns the house? Are you joint owners? If you sold it, would you have enough to buy somewhere on your own?

Basically, the thing that is standing out for me is that he doesn't wan to live with your children. How do you think his relationship with them would be if you did have another child? He is already resentful of them, surely this won't improve and he will put even more distance between them and him. How will you feel if the baby is massively favoured and your children are made to feel like second class citizens?

I think you should re think the relationship, not because you don't actually want a baby, but more because of how he is currently treating your children.

Neither of you is being fair on the other. This relationship doesn't fit either of you.

Ignoring all the relationship red flags, you have a staggeringly tiny chance of a successful IVF pregnancy at your age.

No, just no

I would be leaving him. Put your dc and yourself first. He resents your dc because he hasn’t got his own? He’s treating you like some kind of baby making machine and now your not getting pregnant he’s threatening to move out? I would be kicking him out.

Was he not aware of your age when you met? I would have thought any baby conversations for you both, would involve talking about not having children... I would not be surprised if I wasn’t getting pregnant past the age of 45 (although women certainly do conceive with / without IVF at this age)

It would be absolute madness to try ivf when you aren't getting on, when he isn't good with your kids, and when he is threatening you with moving etc if you don't do what he wants, and you're not sure you really want to anyway. None of those things are fair to either of you, a potential baby or more importantly your existing children.

I'm sorry to be blunt as well but have either of you not considered your age? Most people would be aware that ttc at 48 compared to 38 would be a lot harder and even with IVF it's very unlikely you will end up with a baby. So I dont think it's a case of your body telling you that you dont want a baby more that your age may be a factor. If you are both considering IVF you both need to research how likely it is you will be successful vs the likely cost both financial and your relationship

Hell no. Let him move out.

How do you think your children will be treated by this man if you did have a baby with him? Do you think he'd treat them all the same or are you setting them up for a lifetime of misery? This one isn't worth keeping, throw him back into the swamp he slittered out of.

He doesn't want to live with your kids and wanted to ensure you provided a child before he'd do so.

You cajoled him into buying a joint house before he was ready because this way you got somewhere bigger to live

Its all a recipe for disaster.

What if you DO conceive? Ivf, could easily be twins. Do you want to be nearly fifty with new born twins and a partner who resents your older kids??

He'll leave you with or without IVF.

Don't put yourself or your children through IVF in the hope of it failing. It's a tough expensive process at the best of times.

Call an end to the relationship and make plans to find somewhere else to live.

The chances of IVF working using your own eggs are very low. This man is quite in the wrong putting this kind of pressure on you. If he can't see sense then end the relationship.

IVF at 48 is the least of your issues. You brought a bloke into your DC home and he resents it. Chuck him out and move on...

You'd have to pay for treatment and it most likely wouldn't work

Get rid.
Why oh why would u even move in with someone who doesn't want or has a problem with your kids?
So wrong on so many levels.
Save yourself the heartache, and the money and think of what you want and what is best for your family together.
Your partner seems like
More of a child than your kids. Do not
Have a child with him. Once he is gone you will see the light and how deep down u know leaving him is the right thing to do .

NO!!

Enjoy the next stage of your life. Finally there is freedom coming. Enjoy it. Don't set yourself back another two decades, right back to the beginning. And I'd say that if you were with a GOOD guy. This man is putting you under pressure to have a child when you're 48! Very selfish and childish of him imo

oops i just realised you convinced him to buy a larger property so i am assuming the property is his. So its time for you to move out i am afraid unless you paid half?

Aside from the obvious glaring red flags with this man, IVF at the age of 48 is vanishingly unlikely to work unless you use donor eggs.

You’re 48? Have you even looked into the success rates of ivf at your age? Has he? I think you are both being very naive or in denial about a child together as a possibility.