Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To IVF or not at 48?

184 replies

Peace4ever · 25/01/2022 21:43

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 26/01/2022 10:34

IVF at 48 will be with a donors eggs not your own. It’s insane to contemplate it to please a man who is showing his true colours. It’s a hard, massively expensive, physically tough, long (so you could be 49 or 50 before it happened if at all) road even if you DO want it yourself. Run.

flashy44 · 26/01/2022 10:44

I just cant get my head around why you want a baby with a man who doesnt want your kids,Put the children you have first not this prick.

Jaxhog · 26/01/2022 11:14

@HamCob

Aside from trying for a baby, the fact that he seems to resent the children you've actually got would be a huge red flag for me.
This.
Musttryharder2021 · 26/01/2022 11:22

@Shitfuckcommaetc

I think you were very naive to think you would fall pregnant easily at 48 Confused
This! Op, were you really that unaware that fertility is finite? Not to mention the poor stats for women to conceive naturally in their 40s. I'm fairly certain you won't even get treated for IVF past 45 (I did IVF with a sperm donor so have personal experience not the process).
Musttryharder2021 · 26/01/2022 11:23

*of the process rather!

Crikeyalmighty · 26/01/2022 11:29

Absolutely no way should you do this just to please a bloke— and not a very kind bloke at that— any guy wanting to put a woman through this at 48 whilst also being not very accepting of the children she already has is a bit of a shit— I can see this all going wrong OP and finding yourself as a single mum with a young child in your 50’s. He accepts you and your family as you are— or not at all

BitcherOfBlakiven · 26/01/2022 11:42

This is one of the most bonkers posts I’ve ever read in my 10+ years on here.

You moved in far too fast
You thought you’d get pregnant easily at 48?
He resents your kids

Giraffesandbottoms · 26/01/2022 11:52

There’s a lot of focus on you wanting this bigger house…

Butteryflakycrust83 · 26/01/2022 12:05

Throw the whole man in the bin

WildfirePonie · 26/01/2022 14:32

Ditch him OP.

I can imagine him dumping you as soon as the baby arrives! He sounds awful.

DazedandConfused3 · 26/01/2022 20:02

Unfortunately, regardless of what I may think about his feelings towards your children. I see two possible outcomes.

  1. You conceive through IVF and resent him for ‘forcing’ you to have a child at 49
  2. You don’t conceive and he resents you for ‘preventing’ him having the child he wants.
Neither of these sound conducive to long term happiness in a relationship
NowEvenBetter · 26/01/2022 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

BottleOfSun · 27/01/2022 12:08

Are you totally unaware of how the human body works? You actually thought it would be easy to get pregnant at your age!? Prioritise the kids you do have and get them away from a man who doesnt even like them.

Fluffyunicorn1 · 27/01/2022 12:22

Taking the whole ivf thing out of it for a second. This man knew he wanted children of his own, which is fine. He then willingly entered a relationship with a woman who has her own children. He then resent woman’s children because woman can’t conceive. He sounds like a peach!

I’m assuming he knew your age op when you got together. Most women 45+ would struggle to conceive. He may or may not have known this. He told you he wanted to try for a baby first before buying a house together. This says that he really wasn’t interested in living with you or your children unless you were having his child.

You then “convinced him” to buy a house together as you were living in a small rental and wanted to live somewhere bigger.

You are now saying you don’t want another child which I’m assuming you knew from the start but you’ve gone along with it anyway.

You don’t sound great either op.

Tell him you don’t want another child and sell the house and start a fresh with someone who wants what you want. Love isn’t enough to hold a relationship together you have to want the same things.

layladomino · 27/01/2022 18:58

Oh Op, this was never going to work out.

He told you he didn't know if he could live with your children. Where did you think that would end?

He resents them.

If someone told me they resented my DCs I wouldn't have anything to do with that person ever again let alone choose to live with them. Why would you inflict this on your children? You have effectively chosen a man over their wellbeing.

His resentment sounds really childish. He sounds entitled and selfish and childish.

You must have know that the chance of having a baby at 48 was very small. And the risks of something going wrong are increased. And even if everything goes well, the stress of having a baby (when you're older and more tired) means your relationship would have to be rock solid to survive (sorry it doesn't sound like it is).

Even if you did have a baby with him, how would your children cope with that? It sounds like he'd always treat the youngest differently, and they would be pushed out and hurt by it.

I think your DC would be better off if you split - given he doesn't appear to like them (which they will know).

bouncydog · 27/01/2022 19:35

Your poor children. I can’t believe you think this is ok. Unbelievable.

betwixtlives · 28/01/2022 00:39

Your poor kids SadAngry

UrsulaBursula · 28/01/2022 02:10

Ridiculous, Desperate, Naive and very Gullible.

And by the sounds of it - he doesn’t want you; he wants a baby.

AgentJohnson · 28/01/2022 07:31

Dear God woman! You didn’t want a baby you wanted to level up.. You fast tracked a relationship with this man under false pretences and dragged your kids into it.

It’s time to secure new accommodation for you and your kids and then tell your bf that you don’t want more children.

I luuurve him, is not much of a mitigation for a terrible series of decisions. It’s time to snap back into reality, a child isn’t to be used as leverage to bag a man and a house.

DixonD · 30/01/2022 00:33

@Shitfuckcommaetc

I think you were very naive to think you would fall pregnant easily at 48 Confused
This!

What on earth were you thinking!?

Rosynose · 30/01/2022 01:01

I wouldn’t move in with a partner after a year and I have no kids. It’s no time at all. Put your kids first.

GreenClock · 30/01/2022 01:06

What do you think is the best course of action in the interests of your children? Do that.

veevee04 · 30/01/2022 01:11

@flashy44

I just cant get my head around why you want a baby with a man who doesnt want your kids,Put the children you have first not this prick.
This !! Why are you with a man who resents your children? Why are you even considering IVF at the age of 48 when you have two healthy children. With respect OP you need to put the kids you have first and get rid of him .
Ellowyn · 30/01/2022 01:47

He needs to find a woman of a more appropriate child bearing age and you need to concentrate on the children you have already.

Ellowyn · 30/01/2022 01:50

@Rosynose

I wouldn’t move in with a partner after a year and I have no kids. It’s no time at all. Put your kids first.
I married my boyfriend 8 months after we, that was 40 years ago. We never lived together either .....and I had a 9 year old from my first marriage.