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Original poster

To IVF or not at 48?

184 replies

Peace4ever · 25/01/2022 21:43

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

OP posts:
tara66 · 26/01/2022 08:00

No,no.NO!

Beseen22 · 26/01/2022 08:01

Id be really concerned about the ethics of a clinic who took you on as a patient at 48. Why would yoy spend a significant amount of money to put yourself through IVF. IVF has significant health risks, normally the benefit of getting the baby out weigh the risk but in this case the chance of conception is so low PLUS you don't actually want a baby.

CallMeNutribullet · 26/01/2022 08:02

OP, do you know it's OK to be single? That you don't have to put your kids through living with a man who resents them and put your body through ivf at 48 rather than just being alone? Do you like yourself at all?

Pinkbonbon · 26/01/2022 08:13

Umm..why are you with this dickhead?
Wants you to have his baby when he isn't even living with you? Tell him to jog on! You aren't an oven for his mini-me.

Op at 48, why are you putting up with a selfish man child like him? Why are you putting the health of your own body and your needs below his wishes?

Surely by tgus age you should have an iota of self love! And have stopped settling for relationships with arseholes. As pp said, it's OK to be single!

Ansjovis · 26/01/2022 08:26

You should have showed this guy the door the very second he said he didn't want to live with your kids. You and your children are a package and if you can't hold up that boundary you are seriously risking your future relationship with your children. My mum did this, married a guy who had no idea about children and didn't really want me around... we've been NC for 3 years now.

EIIa · 26/01/2022 08:26

You need to grow a spine not a baby

BigBadBun · 26/01/2022 08:34

I have seen this scenario before, children were a condition of marriage, mother gave birth to IVF twins when she was 50, resentment all round, divorce, blah blah. And what's with the big house justification? God forbid you be honest with him - that's no basis for a relationship!

Sunshineandflipflops · 26/01/2022 08:50

I'm not sure how old he is but assuming he would be able to have a child with woman in her late 40's was very stupid of him.

I have been with my dp for 2.5 years and I am currently at risk of losing mine and my dc's family home in my divorce but I would rather live in a small home with them and them be happy than buy a bigger home and live with my dp, who is lovely but has no desire to live with my teenagers. They would know they are resented or tolerated at best and that is so harmful. He is MY partner and that doesn't mean I have to force him and my DC to play happy families.

I think you need to re-evaluate your housing options op and chalk this one up to experience. I'm sure your dc would rather move and be happy with their mum than live in a home where they are resented.

Let you dp go and find a woman in her 30's if he is desperate for his own child because let's face it, man can and do do that.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/01/2022 09:13

Is he trying to live up to cultural expectations of having a child?

Unsure33 · 26/01/2022 09:15

Same as everyone else all I read was he did not want to live with your children?

What are you thinking of getting involved with him at all ?

Somanysocks · 26/01/2022 09:20

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Is he trying to live up to cultural expectations of having a child?
I wondered this.
trumpisagit · 26/01/2022 09:23

I think you need to explain ivf at your age to him. It wouldn't be your biological child, would you want that?

Opentooffers · 26/01/2022 09:28

Any port in a storm, you really are going to stupid lengths to hold onto this idiot. How old is he? If he's your age and not had a DC yet, why not? Too immature before? He's a bit dumb if he thinks having a baby was likely at your age - should of known yourself really. Great idea to have another DC by the man who can't deal with the ones you have already, thus showing what a shit dad he'd be.

Blossomtoes · 26/01/2022 09:30

@Shitfuckcommaetc

I think you were very naive to think you would fall pregnant easily at 48 Confused
I think they were both very naive. Surely to God they understand how fertility works. If his be all and end all was having children he should have found someone 15 years younger.

This is a relationship that’s going nowhere @Peace4ever.

UniversalAunt · 26/01/2022 09:33

‘ I think you need to explain ivf at your age to him. It wouldn't be your biological child, would you want that?’

Plus the chance that if his sperm is sub par, a donor may be required. Thus the child would not be his biological child.

As I mentioned, the IVF process can be brutal. There is nowhere to hide as everything about the couple’s fertility is stripped back & tested. Some home truths are stated clearly & bluntly, & people’s assumptions & day dreams can be knocked sharply into place, & in some instances they cannot take the reality.

OssieShowman · 26/01/2022 09:35

He married someone in late 40’s. What did he think was going to happen. Doesn’t sound like he married for the right reasons.

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/01/2022 09:43

I think bottom line is all he wants is a broodmare to bear his child. He doesn't want your kids about and it sounds like he's putting a lot of pressure on you in other ways.
At 48, you're too old. Sorry to be so blunt.
I think you need to accept things aren't as they seemed, it's not going to work out (and as others have said, you'd be putting yourself at a disadvantage anyway so why do that to yourself when your existing DC are getting older) and if he can't/won't accept it then you need to leave him and get on with your life.

Lady089 · 26/01/2022 09:47

The fact he resents living with your kids and he wanted to have a child before moving in together is a huge red flag. This is not someone I would want to be with let alone have a baby with.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 26/01/2022 09:53

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids.

What?
No way would I settle for this. He's a twat.
Your poor kids.

You are too old at 48 for IVF.

QueeniesCroft · 26/01/2022 09:55

OP, at the moment you are thinking of taking a huge pile of money and setting fire to it, in order to try to get something you don't actually want, by undergoing brutal medical treatment, in the hope it doesn't work, so at least you can say that you tried. Can't you see how bonkers that is?

Why not take the same amount of money and use it to find rented accommodation for you and your children? Because it doesn't sound like he is the type to say "Ah well, we tried" and continue the relationship anyway. The fact that you don't feel able to tell him about not wanting a baby, tells me that this is probably not a healthy relationship.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 26/01/2022 10:06

Oh dear woman, what are you on?

That sums it up for me.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 26/01/2022 10:08

@Sweetpeasaremadeforbees

Oh dear woman, what are you on?

That sums it up for me.

I agree.
JustSmallFry · 26/01/2022 10:15

Honestly? Run for the hills!

ahcmonnow · 26/01/2022 10:28

God no.

MajesticallyAwkward · 26/01/2022 10:30

So you're living with a man who resents your dc and willing to spend thousands on ivf for a baby you don't want?

Why would you make your existing dc live with a man who resents them and then try to bring a new dc into this who you don't want.

Him not wanting your dc around without his own is a huge red flag. What happens if you end up having another baby and your dp rejects your dc in favour of his own?

At 48 you have additional risk associated with pregnancy and birth, would you want to go through all of that for a baby you don't want?

You've both been naive, it sounds like time to call it quits. Do what is right for your dc and end it, some upset now is worth it in the long run for all of your sakes. It's not a healthy relationship.