To IVF or not at 48?

[Peace4ever]

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

I can't see this having a happy ending.

I'm sorry, I think you are right. There is not a happy outcome here.

He wants his own biological children. You are perimenopausal and have your own children.

There is no compromise. Suppose you have IVF or donor egg (a moral conundrum in itself, by the way) - he wont be happy with one, you have one and most want a sibling for the one. Which you can't do.

He may well want you, but he also wants his own biological kids. He can't have both.

I hope you are ok.

No...for many reasons.

Your 48 and the chance of IVF working would be small. One of my friends went through IVF at 39/40. She was aware of % of babies born due to IVF and she said the drugs were horrible. She did have a child.
At 48 your peri menopausal and you already have sightly older children. If you have a baby due to your age it would be a high risk pregnancy, it would be hard on your body. You could end up with pregnancy complications. Then you have a higher chance of having a downs child or a child that could both physical and mentally disabled. You could damage your own health also.
From what you told us about this man he sounds horrible. He does not want to make any effort for your children and resents them. They are at the age that they may be already aware of what he thinks of them.
If he finds kids of your age hard going he won't cope with a baby.
If you have a child with this man your just making your life harder. You already have 2 children and due to their ages they will need your support as teenagers.

Also within probably 10 -12 years your children could have flown the nest and even now life is easier because they are no longer baby s.

Aside from the fact that it'll cost thousands that you could spend on your existing children's future, you do realize that IVF is not a walk in the park, don't you? Never mind the fact that you have a crappy partner that has obviously never read a line on IVF.

This has to be a wind up

I’m 45. Pregnancy and childbirth were hard enough on my body in my 20s. The mere thought of having one now…... dear god, no!

My other thoughts are:

1. Focus on the children you actually have
2. A man is not a meal ticket.

@GrammarTool agreed.

It doesn’t feel real. But just in case it is:

I’m much younger than OP going through my own fertility stuff, but it’s not to be taken lightly nor is the fact that being a mother takes energy….. let alone with other children…. And this man baby.

He can rightfully want his own children but OP is unfortunately not equipped to provide this without many interventions and her own children taking sacrifices.

It’s my hope you see to your children which are your priority. You might have to give this man up. These are the breaks.

Whatever you do I wish happiness to all of you. It’s less about your current age (though you should consider it because you’re at an age now where other opportunities in life blossom) and more about the ones who need you to make them a priority over some man.

How old is he?

I think you should cut your losses and move on

The kids will be fine. As long as they have their mum; that's all that matters and better to so sooner not later

I’m speechless, are your children living with this man? This is so awful. To put everyone through this so you can be with him, even considering having a child you don’t want at nearly fifty just to be with this man?

I don’t even know what to say,