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Original poster

To IVF or not at 48?

184 replies

Peace4ever · 25/01/2022 21:43

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

OP posts:
IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 26/01/2022 00:02

My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids

Wtf OP, this is disgraceful, you've brought a man into DCs' lives who RESENTS living with them.
He sounds absolutely awful on every level.
Get rid. And raise your standards of who you bring into your DCs' lives.

PickAChew · 26/01/2022 00:12

No, no and no. Even if itbdidntbrewuirevivf, why would you put your body and mind through a pregnancy you don't want just because someone who can't even show your existing kids sufficient respect is putting the pressure on?

Is he your age? If so, it's bloody obvious why no woman has had a child with him, yet. That is not your problem.

I had my 6th to last ever period on my 48th birthday, BTW.

PickAChew · 26/01/2022 00:13

Even if it didn't require ivf!

Lalliella · 26/01/2022 00:22

I don’t even know where to begin with this thread. You’re thinking of having a baby, even though you don’t want one, to save this shit relationship with a man who resents your kids? Are you utterly insane? You do realise children are people too don’t you? Not some sticking plaster. Not a crutch or prop. People.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 26/01/2022 00:23

No way. He's a dick and you're too old.

Bellyups · 26/01/2022 00:33

Is this thread some kind of joke? Confused

OP you desperately need a reality check

Kinneddar · 26/01/2022 00:37

I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two

I'm sorry but really? I.dont know how anyone could genuinely think they'd concieve at almost 50, as easily as they did in their 30s. You're either incredibly naive or a troll

Plutoisaplanet · 26/01/2022 00:38

@HamCob

Aside from trying for a baby, the fact that he seems to resent the children you've actually got would be a huge red flag for me.
This 100%
DaveGahansRealWife · 26/01/2022 00:56

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids

What were you planning on doing with them @Peace4ever?

Sunnytwobridges · 26/01/2022 00:59

I don’t care if you were 28 or 38 you shouldn’t have a child with man. He’s harping about not wanting to live with your kids. I have a feeling he hoped you would get pregnant then he would try to run you off and fight for custody.

Something just don’t feel right about this, but he’s a prick so find a way to move out and be free of him.

user1481840227 · 26/01/2022 01:00

What on earth did I just read?
I'd love to hear his side of it.

Sounds like he feels conned because he wouldn't have bought the house if he wasn't going to have a child. I'm assuming the threats to sell the house and live separately also means that he wants to move on with someone else to have a family.

He was very silly to believe it would be so easy and guaranteed but you clearly believed it too or were in denial. Your post just sounds so fantasist!

Don't go for IVF
and yes you have to be honest that you don't want to have a child with him.
The situation is not working out, he wants a child, resents your kids..time to end it!

notangelinajolie · 26/01/2022 01:04

You're nearly 50 and you both thought that you would conceive? Seriously, you are both in lala land. Let him go and find someone else to have babies with. And then you can concentrate on the kids you do have

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2022 01:11

Your judgement is truly shocking. All you can do now is to get rid of this disgusting man and do everything possible to support your children, who have been playing second fiddle to all of this madness. Honestly, get your shit together.

UniversalAunt · 26/01/2022 02:08

@HamCob

Aside from trying for a baby, the fact that he seems to resent the children you've actually got would be a huge red flag for me.
So much going on here.

You have moved in together relatively quickly, not much chance to get to know each other & adjust to being a new family, then Covid & lockdowns have sealed you all in. I think that you have been swept off your feet & now some reality has set in, & you are at a crossroads. The crossroads is not about staying with this man but about your sense of self, about taking responsibility for the life that you have.

You say that you have been naive? Little brain? You are a woman in her late 40s, this attitude ain’t cute.

However put that aside & to put this gently, it is highly optimistic to plan or expect to conceive naturally & quickly in your mid 40s. Some women do but most don’t.

IVF is a complex, demanding & very expensive undertaking. You are likely to need donor eggs & your partner will need to have his fertility assessed at the outset or maybe this has already been done?

Were you in a more established robust relationship, then you’d have firm foundations to undertake this venture together. But you don’t yet have that bedrock & there are some significant fault lines in your relationship already. As you know pregnancy (even when you are fit & well) & babies are intense & demanding, are you up for this? Are you prepared to do this on your own if he backs out - he seems to be heading that way.

Your children? Where are they in this adventure? Early & pre-teen. Parents separated, moved about, mum meets new bloke to fall head over heels, throws her lot in with him & now wants a baby? They seem to be dragged from pillar to post, & now living somewhere new with someone who may evict them anytime soon.

Your children need you now, the teen years are when they need you most.

Their home life, family, education & normality has been heavily disrupted, they need to settle. Do you have enough to give your children, plus a new man, plus the demands of IVF & then maybe a new baby? It already seems to be demanding enough with the new fella. Your kids need your focus & commitment. You need to step up to your responsibilities.

You need to resolve your family’s need for a secure family home & safe secure environment. It may not meet your expectations, but it will be yours, & you & your kids can settle down. Living with this man is not the answer.

erinaceus · 26/01/2022 04:03

You said that you don't want a child, so for sure don't have one, and take it from there.

Falling in love is a powerful feeling, for sure, but it doesn't sound as if this relationship and living situation is good for you and your children.

Graphista · 26/01/2022 05:25

I would not be with someone who resented my kids full stop!

This is/would have been likely to get much worse when he had his own biological dc too.

You've moved your kids in with someone who you admit resents them - why?!

We see this shockingly frequently on mn and I've seen it at times in real life too ime it NEVER ends well! Sometimes horrifically so!

At 48 not only would you struggle to even find a dr (certainly a reputable one!) willing to attempt ivf it's not just conception that is a potential issue, you're at higher risk of mc, ectopia, medical complications, early labour, traumatic/complicated birth, baby having developmental complications and even things like you having a stroke or developing rare cancers. It's insanity! And that's IF you get pregnant. IVF also carries risks even if you don't get pregnant

Pregnancy and a new baby at ANY age puts a huge strain on even the strongest relationships, one that's already faltering? Terrible idea

bonetiredwithtwins · 26/01/2022 05:47

You thought you conceive easily at 48? The naivety of people really baffles me 🤷🏻‍♀️ not to mention the selfishness at that age. IVF clinics won't treat you with your own eggs past age 43 as you'll just be pissing money up the wall with probably a 1% chance of it actually succeeding

I'm not sure who is more stupid to be honest? Him for thinking you'd actually have a baby at this age or you for the mess you've got yourself and your kids into?

TenoringBehind · 26/01/2022 06:43

You are too old.
He sounds awful and manipulative..
For the sake of your mental and health and for your existing children you would be better off without him.

GreyCarpet · 26/01/2022 07:08

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC

No. You're 48.

I presume you're aware of the menopause..?

JSL52 · 26/01/2022 07:09

Absolutely do not do IVF for him. If he's desperate for a baby he'll have to find someone else.
How was it going to work with a new baby and your (unwanted by him) kids all living together?
As you know having a newborn is hard - he'd probably have buggered off and you'd have been left with three kids.

Drunkpanda · 26/01/2022 07:10

He resents your dc - there's nothing else to say is there?
Put them first for God's sake.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/01/2022 07:13

I don't mean to be blunt but who starts a relationship in their mid 40s with the view to having a child? Is he incredibly naive? It's really unlikely to happen , did you give him false hope ?
I don't mean to be hurtful but statistically it's really unlikely.

Iwonder08 · 26/01/2022 07:25

It sounds you moved in with this man only to get a house. You don't want a child and it is fine, but he does. It is perfectly normal to feel apprehensive about moving in with someone with 2 kids. You should move out and let him find a partner who wants to have a family with him

wheretogofromhere12 · 26/01/2022 07:38

IVF is really tough and really expensive. It takes it out of you big time. I've been having fertility treatment for years. And honestly it's hard.
I'd be really reluctant to go through that whole process with someone who doesn't accept my already existing children. If you do have another child, he will no doubt treat them very differently.
The fact he's giving you an ultimatum and threatening to sell the house if you don't have IVF is really unsettling and seems like a huge red flag.

Iamnotamermaid · 26/01/2022 07:54

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

So in a nutshell DP does not really want to live with you and your kids. But if you have his child he might consider meeting you half way and live in the same house as you all. This sounds less than an ideal arrangement to me Hmm and indicates that DP is set in his ways and not the most flexible of people.

IVF at 48 will cost in terms of money and physical demands (plus who is gong to pay for it?) why would you want a teenager in your 60's? I am

I would run if I were you. No good could come of this.