To IVF or not at 48?

[Peace4ever]

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

Do you really want to live with someone who may well end up treating your kids as second best or just barely tolerating them? Your body may well be telling you that trying to conceive is not the right thing for you. I certainly wouldn't want to be putting my body through the hormone fuelled mayhem that can be caused by IVF. I'm not negating the validity of his desire to be a father but I think you need to have the talk with him, if he so wants a biological child maybe you both need to accept that your relationship just won't work. He has many years of fertility ahead of him, I wouldn't be staying with him just because you might need to move house again if you don't.

There is so much wrong with this scenario I can only assume that it's make believe. Who in their right mind would think conceiving in their mid to late 40s would be easy? Why would you want to stay with a man who resents your children? Why would you do IVF (involving a very long and very invasive procedure) to have a baby you don't want? Why would you cajol a man into buying a house big enough to house your existing kids when you know he doesn't want to live with them and resents them? Why would you want to have a baby with a man who is threatening to make you homeless if you don't supply him with his own baby? Honestly, the whole thing sounds crazy.

I’ve done a number of rounds of ivf OP. It’s hard enough to cope with when you are desperate for a child. I can’t imagine doing it if I didn’t even want a baby. As pp have said, ivf is extremely unlikely (less than 1%) to work with your own eggs at 48.

Sorry you are going through this but the relationship sounds incompatible due to the fact that your DP isn’t fully accepting of your kids and you both want completely different things in terms of future children. These issues are non negotiable.

Not to state the obvious but you are 48 and are more likely to go through the menopause than have a baby. I get that lots of men think they are ready to be a dad at 50 but this just isnt the case with women. What do you think will happen if you cant get pregnant even with IVG (which is the most likely outcome) - will he leave you and find someone younger who can. Surely when you guys got together, he must have been aware that you are very unlikely to have a child together. What did he think would happen then? How old is he?

Wtf.

First: at 48 you’ll have to use donor eggs. There’s pretty much no chance of your own eggs working.

The average (younger) couple takes 3 agtempts at IVF to succeed. It’s a painful and humiliating process that triggers weight gain and mood swings. One of my “egg collection” procedures left me in physical pain for six months. And no the IVF didn’t work.

If you do succeed, at your age it’s a very high risk pregnancy, and even if you have a successful pregnancy and healthy child, there are much higher chances of long term health problems for you (and the baby).

And even if all that goes brilliantly, you’re stuck co-parenting with a man who has no respect for your feelings, or affection for your current children.

Does this sound like a good idea to you OP? It doesn’t to me.

I’m sorry I don’t think you should stay with this man let alone have a child with him.

Thanks for all the comments
Yes I've been very naive about moving in without him being convinced about it

Have your heard yourself OP?! With all due respect you're not even thinking straight! IVF at 48?!
No no no. He's not a good man. Tell him to jog on!
Your poor children! How can you be with someone who views your children like that! Your kids should always come first!

@LilQueenie

Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?

are you really willing to go through tests and treatments hazardous to your health and spend thousands instead of just telling him no?

And he'll still leave if the baby doesn't come. Really not worth it

Op seriously you need to take on board the advice on here. Look out for the kids youve already got and ltb

His resentment of your kids is horrible. Do your DC pick up on that resentment? I think you should prioritise your own DC and make sure they know they are your top top priority

Also babies are such ridiculous hard work and if you don't want one and have to go through v tough exhausting medical steps to have one...you will be the resentful one when you're doing night wakes and cleaning up sick while trying to care for two teenagers when you should be having time of your own

Get rid of DP and enjoy your DC without his resentment and pressure

This is wrong on so many levels... to begin with, he didn't want to move in with you until you had a child together? Who does that? Then he also doesn't like living with your children.

Here we have a man who really wants to have his own children (but doesn't want to deal with someone else's kids). That's all good and dandy, but why is he then dating a mature woman with two children? Honestly, if I were him and this was a priority I'd be dating a much younger woman with no kids. Harsh to hear, maybe, but that will give him a higher chance of success.

Then it really blows my mind that he's pressuring you to go through IVF and that you're considering going through with it to appease him and hoping it won't work.

Take a step back and really look at this situation. Non of it makes any sense and your children are living with a man who doesn't even want them in his life. You'all deserve better, really, but your children have no choice. You do. Be a sensible mother and leave this relationship behind.

Nope.

And dont allow the fanny gallops to fuck your kids life up yet again.

Sorry but you asked and that was my first thought.

Have a good look at what you are doing. You are behaving like a crap mum to the two children you have - making them live with a man who resents them. Don’t try to bring another poor kid into this shit show. Save the money from the IVF - your current kids will need it for therapy.

Op I'm on the run don't even consider wasting money on IVF £5k minimum and it probably won't work.

Your 48, by time baby arrives 49, - 70 by the time they are 21, potentially still in Uni. Do you still want to be working in your 70s?

Tell the partner is not happening then he can decide to stay or go?

This was all I could see in your post...

He resent(s) living with my kids

Big big big red flag here OP.

Your children are at very delicate ages....
The relationship itself doesn't sound like a great idea, let alone the prospect of dragging a load of health complications and a baby into the mix

Far too old.

Just no. First of all, if he won't accommodate your children, the relationship is a non starter. They should absolutely be your priority. Secondly, why on earth should you have a child when you don't seem to want another one (and conception is unlikely anyway) just to indulge him, at the expense of your children? Run!

I have a horrible feeling that you posted this knowing the answer and are going to ignore us.

My best of luck to your poor children, and I (like you) hope the IVF fails.

If he wanted his own kids why did he choose a 45 year old woman to ttc with? There are some serious red flags here. Get out while you still can.

Just say you were to get pregnant and have a baby (very unlikely of course). So for you new baby is the price you have to pay to have DP living with you and tolerating your kids. For him his own baby is the prize he gets for living with you and tolerating your kids. It’s all kinds of fucked up.

No, a baby is not the answer. Bond with the children you already have. Being a teen is tough. Don't extend that gap more by having a baby.

Don't ever ever live with someone who doesn't want to be around your kids.

I think that at your age it will be tough to get pregnant. Are you still getting normal regular periods?

Even if you were in your 30s and easily able to conceive, it'd be very morally fucked up to get pregnant to get a man to stay with you. A baby is a human being, not a tool to make a relationship work. Get therapy and sort your life out for your kids' sake as well as your own.

Don’t start over as a parent now. Do the best thing for your children and leave this man who wants something nearly impossible.