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Original poster

To IVF or not at 48?

184 replies

Peace4ever · 25/01/2022 21:43

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

OP posts:
ScarlettOHara321 · 25/01/2022 22:22

Get rid of him. You're children should come first so why you're putting up with a man who resents them and thinking of having a baby at all is just the saddest thing I've heard in ages. Your children live with a man who resents them and you let this happen...those poor children. IVF is for people who want children for the right reasons and can't, you should be ashamed of yourself letting this man be my where near your children,they need you he doesn't

GiantSpider · 25/01/2022 22:23

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone else. He's not the right man for you and it's no good staying together just for a bigger house.

MrsTrumpton · 25/01/2022 22:25

Any man who told me he resents my kids would be kicked to the curb.

Mumof3confused · 25/01/2022 22:26

Personally, I think your existing children should be prioritised and perhaps making them live with a man who resents them isn’t the best way to do that.

tearinghairout · 25/01/2022 22:26

This relationship is not right for you, because the children aren't being put first. so, you are not the right partner for him. He needs someone who hasn't already got dch.

BiscuitLover3678 · 25/01/2022 22:28

@LilQueenie

Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?

Confused are you really willing to go through tests and treatments hazardous to your health and spend thousands instead of just telling him no?

And when it doesn’t come will he leave you for someone who can have one?

Op you have gone through a divorce and you’ve had a lovely romance. Now it’s real life again and you need to look after yourself and your existing children.

Minniem2020 · 25/01/2022 22:28

Sorry op but you really shouldn't be together. You can't be with someone that doesn't fully accept your children

BiscuitLover3678 · 25/01/2022 22:29

Also ‘threatening’? Doesn’t sound like love to me.

StoatMilk · 25/01/2022 22:29

He sounds grim, why would you even consider putting your DC in a situation where they are resented OP.

NoDontDoThat · 25/01/2022 22:30

IVF is fucking hard, physically and mentally, particularly on the woman. At 48 most clinics in the UK won't treat you unless it's with donor eggs.
Even if you were in a perfect relationship with a partner on the same page in every other way I'd say don't do it unless you are really prepared for it and really want to. It would be INSANE to go through hoping it doesn't work.

DirtyDancing · 25/01/2022 22:32

I can't get passed this.

He wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids.

What the hell were you planning to do if a baby came long...? Give your kids away.. live separately....

RunningInTheWind · 25/01/2022 22:33

I’m not surprised you thought you’d conceive easily at 48. You’re clearly away with the fucking fairies from the moment you decided to move a gold-plated penis in with your children when you barely knew him because “you were in love”.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/01/2022 22:35

Prioritise your children. This man is going to make their lives miserable and alienate them from you. They'll resent you for making them live with him. For prioritising him and your ideas of romance over them and their need for a functional parents. You'll probably end up without a relationship with them as adults.

As an aside, how have you come to be so naive and ignorant about your chances of conception? How is he, or did he not know how old you are?

I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two! Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC.

This is just extraordinary. Your body isn't 'telling you want your soul wants', it is just a 48 year-old body, being a 48 year-old body.

CoraPirbright · 25/01/2022 22:36

I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two

At 48??? Confused Hmm

TyrannosaurusRegina · 25/01/2022 22:37

This man surely knew that a baby would be unlikely if you were what, 46 when you first met?

thickthighs73 · 25/01/2022 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HaveringWavering · 25/01/2022 22:40

my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids.

I don’t understand this- he wanted you to have a baby but he would not live with you while you were pregnant, because he didn’t like your kids? And then magically he’d be ready to live with your kids after the baby was born?
That’s bonkers.

As is thinking you’d conceive easily at 48.

DaisyMum40 · 25/01/2022 22:40

For the love of god, put your own kids first and kick this guy to the kerb.

BottleOfSun · 25/01/2022 22:42

Why would you even move your children in with a man who resents them? And even if the ivf works (could take rounds and rounds and doner eggs) he’s only going to treat his biological child totally different to yours and that will cause even more tension. Is DP same age as you?

GrandmasCat · 25/01/2022 22:42

He resents your kids but wants to have his own otherwise he won’t be happy with you.

Honestly, why on Earth are you contemplating having a kid with a monster? If he resents your kids now, how bad do you think he will get when he becomes precious about his baby.

What you want is of no importance to him, he doesn’t like your children why would you entangle your life with a child with this man?

HaveringWavering · 25/01/2022 22:44

Are YOU 48? The only way this might vaguely make sense is if HE is 48 and you are younger.

But he’s still a dick and you are still doing your children a huge disservice.

blyn72 · 25/01/2022 22:45

@LilQueenie

He wont accept your kids but wants his own? I don't think you should be having children with this man at all. sorry.
I agree.

It must be hard to accept you are not likely to conceive a child again but most people don't at your age. IVF takes time and is expensive as well as, so I am told unpleasant.

You've been blessed with two children, hard luck if your partner has none. I daresay he has had his chances in the past.

Enjoy your life as it is.

GrandmasCat · 25/01/2022 22:46

He wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids.

I always thought that the correct order was:

  1. ensure he gets along with your kids before moving together
  2. Decide to have a kid of after a good time living together happy and without problems.

The order he is suggesting makes me think he thinks your children are disposable the moment the golden baby arrives.

Oh dear woman, what are you on?

SunflowerTed · 25/01/2022 22:48

@Shitfuckcommaetc

I think you were very naive to think you would fall pregnant easily at 48 Confused
Same
SunflowerTed · 25/01/2022 22:51

@DirtyDancing

I can't get passed this.

He wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids.

What the hell were you planning to do if a baby came long...? Give your kids away.. live separately....

I feel so sorry for your children. Can they go and live with their father as they are going to get very fucked up in this shot show
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