To IVF or not at 48?

[Peace4ever]

I'm wondering if this happened to somebody else for moral support

I am a mum of 2 kids (who are 14 and 10), divorced last year (separated since 2017 - but the marriage started breaking down not long after the second child, around 2012)

I met my current partner in 2019, we fell in love very quickly and decided to move in together at the end of first lockdown in 2020. My kids were happy about it (as we have been hoping since long time to buy a house and we were renting a small place), my DP instead doesn't have kids.

We hoped to have a child together, my DP made clear since the start that he wanted to have a child first and then move in together, as he was not sure about living with my kids. I felt this could take too long, so I convinced him to buy a place while trying to. Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Now 15 months later I feel, as the child is not coming, that my body is telling me what the brain does not accept, that I do not want another DC. I'd like to forget about the whole trying for a baby (so stressful... Took all the romanticism out of making love) and just settle into the relationship we have.

But My DP is resenting this as he really hoped to have his own child and resent living with my kids. He wants to try IVF, I don't, so he is unhappy, so threatening to want to sell the house and go back to living separately....
What should I do?
Try to go for IVF, to please him, hoping the child won't come?
Or be honest and tell him I don't want a child.. But I feel this will break apart out relationship.

I'm lost.. I feel so stupid to have settled down with somebody that didn't have experience of Living with kids... I knew this was an issue but the little brain is so easy to forget these things when ur in love... I feel like kicking all up in the air, but I don't want to upset my kids life once again (we moved 3 times in the past 7 years)

PEACE

Get rid of this man.

I can't urge you enough, sort out your finances now over the next 10 or so years ready for retirement. Don't even think of having a child. You have your family.

@dudsville

Neither of you is being fair on the other. This relationship doesn't fit either of you.

This sums it up for me. You want different things.

Sell the house, you'll be better off without him.

Your poor children 😞

In how much detail have you discussed the IVF? As many posters have mentioned above the chances of success at 48 are really low, particularly with your own eggs but even with donor eggs which I presume most clinics would suggest at this age. Did you discuss how you’d feel about donor eggs?

I think you need to be honest OP, for both your sakes.

This is all going to end in tears.
For starters - he never accepted your kids, didn’t want to live with you&them and that was a massive red flag.
Seems that the only way he could ‘tolerate’ your kids was if you gave him a child.

But it wasn’t realistic from the start. You were 45. Why would you both think that it was something that was likely? And why would you try to conceive naturally given the odds of healthy and successful pregnancy at that age?

At now, at 48 - it’s not your body telling you you don’t want a child, it’s your body telling you that it isn’t possible anymore.

You are hoping he will just make peace with not having kids and accept yours. This isn’t going to happen, and it’s also unfair on him - if he really does want kids. He will resent you if he stays. And the relationship will fall apart.

The only thing you could try is to have a baby with donor eggs. But it’s not easy in the U.K. as you can’t pay for eggs donation.

Your relationship is already over. Don't piss money away on IVF to have a baby with this person.

I agree with everyone else, the fact he resents your children is a huge red flag and I would be leaving for that alone. Even if you were to have a baby together, he would still resent your kids and favour the one that is biologically his which would be really damaging for your kids to be around.

As a side note - after the above poster said about IVF success rates at your age I googled and I'm shocked, even at 25 the chance of it ending in a live birth are only 32%! I can't believe it's so low. 4% for your age. I honestly never knew people going for IVF were battling such harsh odds. It must be so hard, and definitely not something to go in to half heartedly OP!

Conceive.. I thought the 3rd child would come as easy as the first two!

Not sure if this is a troll. How many women have children naturally at 48. Answer; none or so few that it is a medical case study

IVF with what? You are 48
Donor eggs and IVF?
Retired before they leave school?

Even with ivf it could take years if you fell pregnant. Do you really want to be having a baby in your 50s. It’s selfish of both of you. Personally I think he’s using it as an excuse to leave and find someone younger sorry. He wants kids and suddenly won’t accept you. Yeah I’d be saying he’s met someone or he’s planning to leave.

A friend did this exact thing-got pregnant at 48; had to have a C section when baby was born at 49-long recovery; dad left when baby was 4 months old. She was 54 when that baby went to school. She is permanently shattered. Her older children are now all at uni. She is still doing the school run to primary school and has no life outside of work and her child. It’s really sad.

Stoo being such a wet blanket. Put your kids first and tell this man to big off. You're 48, you don't want kids.

Er big fat no from me too

Having a baby just to keep your man is behinds ridiculous

Never mind one who doesn’t even like your existing kids

IVF and the messy if your issues here

A thousand times this 👆

It may be hard to accept but the relationship is over. You want different things.

The sooner it ends the sooner you can take the time to heal abs then move on with your life.

I'm so sorry OP but the fact he was adamant you would start the process of conceiving his child before he tried to build a relationship with your DC is really worrying. Massive deal breaker red flag.
I think you're being used and your own DC would be cast aside if his DC arrived. You can do better, you deserve better and your children deserve to grow up knowing they are loved, esp in the teen years. You only have a few years left before they leave home. Get rid of this man and focus on your existing family.

Good god! Why would you even contemplate attempting IVF in order to have this man's child?
It sounds as though he's far more interested in having a child than he is in you - and he's openly admitted that he's not at all interested in your existing children.

You would be doing yourself, your existing children and your potential unborn (and unwanted by you) child a huge disservice if you go ahead and, by some miracle, do conceive with IVF and carry a pregnancy to term. Just don't do it.

The chances of you conceiving at 48, even with IVF, are close to zero anyway.

No way should you try IVF and hope the child won't come!

I'm afraid you are going to have to tell him that there is unlikely to be a child, and if he behaves like a spoilt toddler then I would be out the door. He really doesn't sound like a nice man OP.

focus on your existing kids - he does not even like them!? get rid of this man. it will end in tears and your kids will suffer more

You don't want another baby.
It will cost you thousands.
It has a very slim chance of working, what will your man do then?
If it does work, it will be a very high risk pregnancy and birth, very tough on your body. High risk of complications and genetic disorders etc.

If DP wanted children, he should’ve been cracking on with it 20 years ago or not starting a relationship with a woman in her 40s

Is he prepared to stay if the child had Downs? Will he want a termination and “start again”?
He is resentful of your own children?
Do you even have the strength to do it again at 48?
I’m 39 with a newborn and every day I think” I should’ve bloody done this years ago - I am fucked”

C’mon OP .. you not this isn’t on. But you have my sympathy - My own DH took some convincing, and now he’d like another , but I’ve told time we are WELL out of time now. DC with remain an only child due to his procrastination

If you really want to stay with him, I’d look at some counselling.
It’s not your fault he’s waited until now to start a family.
And not wanting to move in until he knocked you up was mad.
And normally , I would’nt be so judgmental but 48 is waaaaaaay too late on

Best of luck. Your not a womb for rent. You already have a family.

I don’t even believe this is real

This relationship can't carry on. Your BF is a man who wants his own biological children (that's normal). You are too old to have children and already have your own children.

Eventually he will leave you for someone young enough to get to know in a leisurely way, marry and have children. You might as well end it now on your terms rather than wait for him to do it, because he absolutely will end it. Meanwhile his resentment of you and your children will grow. I would end it.

He's a dick, and you're in an abusive relationship.