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I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..
268

bogie · 25/01/2022 20:14

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

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Hungry625f · 25/01/2022 20:22

Hmm...sorry you're going through this OP but honestly it sounds like he is being an inconsiderate, abusive twat.

No one deserves to be spoken to like that.

I've had a crippling, very sudden breakdown and whilst it was horrible for me and DH, I never once became abusive.

How does he speak to the kids? If he is able to communicate normally with them? If so, then he can control how he speaks to you, he is just choosing not to Flowers

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Katyrosebug · 25/01/2022 20:25

Where we the kids when this happened? How old are they? Can you go elsewhere with the kids?

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bogie · 25/01/2022 20:29

The kids and my nephews were here when it happened. He was totally out of control, I was trying so hard to talk him down but nothing I said helped.

My mum thinks he needs to go to the hospital and get a brain scan as it is so unbelievably out of character for him. He is known by everyone for being a real calm chilled out guy.

The kids are all in secondary school 16.13.12

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SomewhereOnlyIKnow · 25/01/2022 20:32

Did you do a thread about this the other day ?

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dudsville · 25/01/2022 20:33

Has he tried to speak with you to apologise or is he just leaving you on the sofa? If it's the latter then I'd worry that he finally spoke about how he felt after keeping it bottled up. That may just be a fear, but why isn't he trying to make ammends for being so hurtful?

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bogie · 25/01/2022 20:34

Somewhere

Yes I did, the day it happened.
my mother called him and got him to go visit the GP but now I just feel like I am stuck. I don't know what to do.

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bogie · 25/01/2022 20:34

He hasn't tried to talk to me at all, not a word.

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polarbearoverthere · 25/01/2022 20:58

I’m sorry this is happening. You are each in difficult spots separately. It might be helpful to see a couples counsellor to talk about how you cope with his poor mental health together

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Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 25/01/2022 21:00

It does sound weird if it was out of the blue and out of character. Could be organic, needing a scan, could be depression (although plenty of depressed people are not abusive). Either way he is not acting respectfully to you. And if he can't do that, he needs to sleep on the sofa or move out.

Whatever is going on, you did not cause this, you are not responsible for this and you don't have to keep putting up with it.

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Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 25/01/2022 21:01

Ps - could he have been drunk or high?

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bogie · 25/01/2022 21:06

No chance he was drunk or high, we had been to our daughters skating event together the out with friends, he was driving so was just on soft drinks. It was during dinner he started acting strange then he really lost it when we had arrived home.

I'll maybe get the courage to speak to him tomorrow when the kids have gone to school, I think I am just dreading the outcome. I feel like my whole life has changed in a day and facing up to the reality of it is just so tough

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Useranon1 · 25/01/2022 21:17

I agree with a medical assessment. Even if he does need antidepressants they often make things worse at first and up to 6 weeks to see improvement. Sorry OP, just so you're prepared

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girafferafferaffe · 25/01/2022 21:19

Op that sounds awful, I'm so sorry he said those things to you in front of the kids as well.

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Keepitonthedownlow · 25/01/2022 21:20

Because it's uncharacteristic he might be lashing out because he is genuinely unwell. This must be a very challenging time for you. If he is clinically depressed he won't be thinking straight or thinking what his behaviour is having on you. Is there anywhere he can go to stay for a bit with his parents perhaps? Good luck Flowers

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Crikeyalmighty · 25/01/2022 21:25

Anything during that dinner that seemed to trigger it? Did he look at a text or email or anything? Was there disagreement about anything specific at the table?

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bogie · 25/01/2022 21:26

His parents have room for him but o don't think he would go, I'm not sure he'd leave the kids. I don't want to force him from our house
Hes my best friend, I am trying to see it from that point of view and I want him to be well.
It's so shit and just so hard because I try and start talking but I remember everything he said and I think I'm so scared to find out that he meant every word and it's over.

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me4real · 25/01/2022 21:28

Hmm...sorry you're going through this OP but honestly it sounds like he is being an inconsiderate, abusive twat. No one deserves to be spoken to like that. I've had a crippling, very sudden breakdown and whilst it was horrible for me and DH, I never once became abusive.

@Hungry625f It does happen. Depression etc can make some people (especially some men maybe?) very self absorbed or blaming partners etc. Or it can make people come out with all sorts of hurtful shit. I have a severe mental health disability and have also seen it in a partner who was going through some issues- he was very mean.

@bogie I hope you see him come out the other side ASAP and this doesn't last long. Did he apologize for the things he said? He should at least do that, even if what he said was a result of him being ill. You're a person with feelings, too.

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bogie · 25/01/2022 21:39

Crikey

His sister called me and after the call I suggested we could take the nephew with us that night to our DS' game.
He said 'yeah that's a good idea he has wanted to go for a while'

I then said 'which car shall we take?' And out of nowhere he started shouting (loud enough for all 20 people at the table to turn to us) 'we can't go in X car if we're all going!' (We could this was nonsense) then he called me a dickhead and said 'oh look at you showing off to your friends?!' Really bizarre as it was such a normal boring conversation? Also they are all our friends this wasn't a dinner I had dragged him to this is a normal thing each weekend if we have been skating. It was really awkward but I just kind of brushed it off and tried to lighten the mood. He was still having a few mutterings about things under his breath but we managed to make it home. Then he just blew up. He was manic, coat on, coat off, coat on, coat off, back and forth to the car 20 times all whilst screaming about me ruining everything and how he just wanted a nice day. I was staying super calm and trying to diffuse the situation but he was out of control, I asked him what I had done to upset him and he kept saying he 'couldn't remember but I knew what I had done' I asked him if he would like me to call his dad or his friend and he screamed 'no' right in my face.
I called my mum and he grabbed the phone from me screaming at her that I had fucked with his head he ran out onto the street saying he was going to kill himself then ran back inside. It was awful. The kids (including nephew who had been dropped as we arrived home) we're all there to hear it.
I don't know wether to try and speak to the kids about it but how can I explain to them until I know what's wrong.

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bogie · 25/01/2022 21:41

Me 4
He hasn't spoken a word to me. No apology. He has spoken to the kids completely normally like nothing happened

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TowandaForever · 25/01/2022 21:43

He is not safe to be around you or your children.

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BoodleBug51 · 25/01/2022 21:47

Whether he's ill/depressed/being an arse, there's no way I'd risk him doing that in front of the kids again.

I also think that if he's acting normally around the kids and freezing you out, he's very much in control of his actions.............

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Mamette · 25/01/2022 21:47

OP can you arrange some kind of intervention with his parents and your mum and other trusted people?

Tell him X person is bringing him to be checked out, if he refuses, he needs to leave the house to stay with someone else.

Please get as much support around yourself as possible Flowers

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TabithaTittlemouse · 25/01/2022 21:54

Is he receiving any other support or just prescribed anti depressants and sent on his way?

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MrsTrumpton · 25/01/2022 21:55

Is he hiding something from you like massive debt or an affair that's ended? Something that's been stressing him out to the point he's suddenly flipped into abuse because he can't bring himself to tell you what's wrong? Not excusing his behaviour for a second, he's being out of order and I couldn't stay with a sulker, but having read your previous post it does sound like it's so out of character that I wonder if there's a secret he's not sharing. Especially as his mood doesn't extend to how he's dealing with the kids. In the meantime, take care of yourself and no matter what make sure you and the children are safe. Flowers

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girafferafferaffe · 25/01/2022 21:55

Have the kids asked him what the hell he was doing? Are they concerned for you?

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