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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

268 replies

bogie · 25/01/2022 20:14

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 26/01/2022 06:58

This is so sad to read. You must be terrified Sad So much the dcs.

He needs urgent help. And you need support.

updownroundandround · 26/01/2022 07:10

If he behaves like that again, don't hesitate to call an ambulance. When he's lost it like that he's truly a danger to you, the kids and himself.

He clearly needs professional help asap. Flowers

Franklyfrost · 26/01/2022 07:21

This sounds very scary, I’m sorry that happened OP. Read the side effects leaflet of his anti depressants. GP also sounds like a good idea, they won’t discuss him with you but will be able to signpost.

Sundancerintherain · 26/01/2022 07:21

I had a breakdown 4 years ago, I was vile to my DH, I ranted at him for hours.
The next day I attempted to take my life.
Diagnosed with PTSD, long road to recovery.
NOTHING I spewed at my DH was to do with my feelings for him, it was to do with incidents in my adolescence that he had absolutely no knowledge about.
He found it very difficult to be around me until I started getting help and he realized that I was mentally ill, then he was my rock.
Flowers

indecisivewoman81 · 26/01/2022 07:31

I haven't read the whole thread but from the bits I have read I really think he might have a medical condition.

The bit where he "couldn't remember" what you had done to upset him but he knew it was something really worries me.

A massive and complete change in someone's behaviour like this plus the loss of inhibitions makes me wonder if there might be something going on medically with his brain.

Plantagenous · 26/01/2022 07:35

You need to push to have him admitted OP. This will give you breathing space to decide what to do next too.

No matter the outcome, you do not have to have him back being as you have the DC.

IncompleteSenten · 26/01/2022 07:41

He needs help.

When you talk to his parents could you get their support and help for him to stay with them for a while while he gets assessed?

If you are his focus then it may be very dangerous for you if he stays.

OMG12 · 26/01/2022 07:46

If it’s down to poor mental or physical health I would treat this in the same manner as having a fit and striking you whilst in a seizure. Strange things can happen to your brain chemistry. I know it’s hard but try not to take it personally until you have more information. He could be very scared. I hope that you get help from the doctor. Can you afford private therapy (I would even bother with the nhs for this) - even if it means sacrificing other things.

Rubyupbeat · 26/01/2022 07:47

It sounds like he was having a complete breakdown, if so, he really needs help, as it can get very serious. Its happened to me 3x and was very long recoveries. But he would have to agree to see someone. Everyone acts differently, I tend to become practically catatonic, but others explode.
I hope you all as a family get this sorted out.

Dontjudgeme101 · 26/01/2022 07:49

This made me feel very emotional. Please look after yourself and the children. I hope that you get help for your dh.

CottonSock · 26/01/2022 07:50

See if you can self refer to crisis team in your area. Or you may need GP. I've just been through this with DH. Will write more later.

OMG12 · 26/01/2022 07:50

Oh and push with all your might for a brain scan to make sure it isn’t physical, he is going to need someone advocating for him, the nhs are shit and will most likely push him off with antidepressants which they treat like the panacea of all middle aged illness and hand out like smarties.

Depending -you could also contact Mind for support

SingToTheSky · 26/01/2022 08:04

Sorry OP this sounds so scary :( glad you are going to try the GP - he really does need a psychiatric evaluation and a brain scan. I would hope they wouldn’t just fob him off with ADs if they realised what a sudden change this was and how he was acting - it’s not just regular depression. 💐

Roselilly36 · 26/01/2022 08:04

@MrsTrumpton

Is he hiding something from you like massive debt or an affair that's ended? Something that's been stressing him out to the point he's suddenly flipped into abuse because he can't bring himself to tell you what's wrong? Not excusing his behaviour for a second, he's being out of order and I couldn't stay with a sulker, but having read your previous post it does sound like it's so out of character that I wonder if there's a secret he's not sharing. Especially as his mood doesn't extend to how he's dealing with the kids. In the meantime, take care of yourself and no matter what make sure you and the children are safe. Flowers
This was my first thought too.
Muselyforbreakfast · 26/01/2022 08:20

OP my dh did something similar. Totally out of character for him, he suddenly turned something tiny into a massive rant like this and was leaving me etc etc. He then ignored me for days but was fine with the dc. No apology or explanation.

A week later he had a stroke.

He’s mortified at how he treated us, we’re unsure if he had some brain damage already when he had his breakdown or if it was some sort of TIA or he knew something was wrong but not what and he was petrified, but whatever it was it was out of his control and he still gets upset by his behaviour and doesn’t know why he did it.

I think you are doing the right thing talking to the GP, but I think you will have to be strong to get them to listen to you rather than fob you off. Good luck.

ThePrionOne · 26/01/2022 08:21

Sounds like a good idea to talk to the GP yourself, OP. Perhaps write out all you can remember he did during the episode so you don’t forget anything.

Your DH went to the GP, but if he’s not in his right mind, then he likely didn’t give the GP a full picture of what actually happened. As a non-expert, I would still think that such extreme behaviour doesn’t sound like something that would reliably be resolved just by antidepressants, or at least I think it warrants more investigation than he likely had.

I fully understand you are afraid to talk to him, but if what you fear is hearing that your entire married life has been a lie, and indeed he has been hiding something from you, then waiting won’t make it go away.

It’s right to talk to the GP first though. She or he might be able to give you a better idea over whether your husband is likely to be rational. It seems odd to me that he is behaving as normal to the children, but not to you, but it might be possible that his parental instincts are causing him to do that.

You also maybe need to talk to the children who witnessed it , if you haven’t already. They’re likely very confused and if he’s now behaving normally towards them, that could quite possibly add to their confusion and fear. I tended to brush stuff under the carpet and not talk to my children so long as everything seemed stable, but it was damaging them nonetheless and if I could go back, It’d be more honest and open with them. I may be projecting, and maybe you have talked to them, but don’t assume that because everything is now quiet, that they are fine.

Good luck with it all. I hope you get some answers.

BHX3000 · 26/01/2022 08:24

I’d also push for him to go to hospital. He needs a proper consult and perhaps scans to rule out anything sinister. It’s the sudden ‘explosion’ and not being able to remember certain things that, if true, would worry me.

Good luck OP. I hope you have some support in real life, it sounds tough either way Flowers

MrMrsJones · 26/01/2022 08:25

I'm wondering if someone has sent him something about you.

Ie your having an affair, even if malicious

His sudden manic behaviour, blaming you for everything thing, showing off in front your friends, you have ruined his life etc etc....

He has completely lost it, but can't tell you why

Abcdefyouandyourmum · 26/01/2022 08:28

What about his sister? Your nephew must have told her what happened.

AndAnotherNewOne · 26/01/2022 08:31

He needs to leave, OP. Keep yourself and your children safe.

Warblerinwinter · 26/01/2022 08:31

@Useranon1

I agree with a medical assessment. Even if he does need antidepressants they often make things worse at first and up to 6 weeks to see improvement. Sorry OP, just so you're prepared
This, be careful as a lot of people get worse and more unpredictable as they start on antidepressants

If he looses control again, call an ambulance…don’t hang around . There is no point you going to GP to try to talk about his mental health , they won’t talk to you due to medical confidentiality

This seems really as if there is a mental health issue- even depression wouldn’t normally result in a generally calm man raging like that. If you go to hosptial they will kick off psychiatric assessment and neurological assessments at same time through A&E. It won’t result in admission - they don’t have beds unless there was a threat to his or others lives. But it will get him into the “system” for crisis mental health support. You may need to explicitly use the word safeguarding and explain that you were fearful and that it happened in front of children . That word tends to get their attention.

nettie434 · 26/01/2022 08:33

I think your plan of talking to the GP is a good idea bogie. Unlike most people posting here, I would be surprised to find out something had happened to his brain which affected his behaviour. This is because you haven't said he has other symptoms like headaches, migraines etc. You also say he is behaving normally towards the children. Some people do have extreme reactions to anti depressants but it's not clear from your post how long he has been taking them. People usually report other physical changes too. I haven't got any special expertise here and your GP is the best person to offer suggestions about what has happened.

You mention that you have so many bills. He may be worried about money, not that that is an excuse for behaving so badly to you. I hope you can get to the bottom of this change.

Warblerinwinter · 26/01/2022 08:34

The screaming fuck off out of nowhere and not answering what you’d done wrong does , in my experience, suggest some form of psychotic episode. Or a neurological issues…depression doesn’t usually just come on like that and cause people to rage suddenly.

Candleabra · 26/01/2022 08:36

Sounds scary. I understand what everyone is saying about a medical issue, but the OP said he is behaving normally with the kids.
He couldn’t just turn this behaviour on and off could he?

Scianel · 26/01/2022 08:39

If he is having a psychotic episode his delusions might centre on OP but not the kids and that would explain why he's being normal with them.

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