I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

[bogie]

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

@SocialConnection

Time to step away from 'hurt offended spouse on the sofa not speaking' mode.

Time for action.

OP isn't the one doing the not speaking - that's her DH.

[quote mathanxiety]@deydododatdodontdeydo,
In sickness and in health isn't always as clearcut as you think when you stand there making your vows. Once you are a parent you have a duty to protect your children when the other parent is a threat to their safety and wellbeing.[/quote]
Like I said, if it was me with the health issue, I would hope DH wouldn't just ditch me for his duty of care to the children.

Keeping the children safe doesn’t mean abandoning the unwell spouse. Husband should definitely not be left alone with the children and I would be scared to have him around them though. He sounds like he needs quite urgent care. Agree urine sample first port of call and potentially MRI etc to rule out tumour but otherwise I would be considering sectioning. It sounds extremely concerning.

@bogie Is everything ok???

I think you need to talk to your kids, and tell your dh's sister to talk to your nephew. It's not ok and they need to know that. They must be really confused.

...if it was me with the health issue, I would hope DH wouldn't just ditch me for his duty of care to the children.

I hope you will never have to choose.

I did. The DCs have all told me how much they wish I had done it sooner. That's something I have to live with.

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@bogie Is everything ok???[/quote]
I'm getting nowhere with anyone.

GP disinterested, can't even get a face to face they can only talk on the phone and we're fucking useless.

My mum and dad have spoken to him but he just says 'I'm fine' he won't open up to anyone.

Stayed in bed for 3 days then went out to golf with his dad (who thinks he is fine and doesn't want to hear what happened)

I'm still on the sofa, he still won't discuss anything with me but will swing from complete silent treatment hiding in bed to coming downstairs tell me something to do with the DCs and he just speaks to me like normal like nothing has happened.

He did say last night that I "don't have to sleep down here" so I asked him if he is ready to talk and he said no I'm to tired then went to bed that was 9pm last night and he is still in there now...

So as far as a useful update I have nothing.
I have written a long message with everything that I need to say in it so I think I'll send him this later (I'm off out at 12 so I'll do it then to stop the risk of him having an outburst)

Thank you for all the support everyone it means a lot just to be able to come on here and get it out. I have no one to talk to other than here x

Sorry to hear that!

How are the kids? Have they said anything about the incident, or to you or him since? I feel concerned for them.

Great move to write everything out! It can be so hard to have a calm conversation and this can be very helpful. 💐

Thumbs
He is being super nice to the kids, when he came home from his dads he had bought DD2 her favourite takeaway he is acting like nothing happened and hasn't addressed the situation at all. It seems like guilt the way he is being with them

If he's not too tired for golf, he's not too tired to talk. I do hope your message wakes him up.

OP, HE should be on the sofa, HE caused all this. Why don't you demand your bed back and tell him he is going to sleep on the sofa?

And what about your parents? Can you get your father/brother/male friend etc to come around and force him to leave for a few days?

You seem far too passive. You should have kicked him out days ago. You did nothing at all, yet you are sleeping on the sofa?!?? Wtf, how did THAT happen? Why didn't you DEMAND he leave and/or kick him to the sofa?

Write him a letter that he is to leave or you'll call the police. You are so passive and such a walkover this is absolutely ridiculous now.

I hope the message is well received op. You must be exhausted.

Hmmmm, firstly sorry to hear that the GP was not immediately responsive, but you have done something there.

If he can out & play golf with his father who in turn cannot discerne any difference, then I start to wonder further about what is going on. Can your DH out on such a good front? Is your FiL taking matters at face value?
Have they discussed matters & somehow agreed least said, soonest mended?

‘Hey Son, what’s going on? Bogie sleeping on the sofa? What’s all this about? ‘

You must not leave your home - for your own sake & wellbeing, & for the sake of your children’s wellbeing.

If the game at play is one of let’s pretend nothing’s going on, but Bogie is taking the brunt, then I strongly urge that you call time on this fiasco.

As soon as you can, go see a family law specialist, describe what had happened, how he has raged, thrown your marriage in your face, stonewalled you & will not work to resolve this.
Keep notes for reference. The first session may not be at full rate, or even free, so do not let cost get in the way. Your purpose is to tell all to the solicitor & be advised about

a) divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour;
b) how to legally separate & stay put in the marital home
c) your rights if you separate or divorce.

At this stage you have need of professional advice so that you are better & fairly prepared for what is to come. You need to know where you stand. This will give you confidence, self belief & resilience as you know better for & about yourself than he does.

Two more things:

1. Did you say that he came home from the GP with a sick note which he left out for you to see? How would you usually discuss things like this? It does seem odd to me that he would not sit & discuss this with you. Somehow it feels to me like he playing a card in a game - putting it out in plain sight as a reveal - could be disordered thinking or plain contempt ?

1. If his father thinks he’s OK & nowt wrong, I suggest that he go stay with him right now. He’s signed off so relocating is not an issue for now. Pack a bag for him if you must. Your being consigned to the sofa by his rage & stonewalling you is unreasonable & unacceptable - it is the thin edge of a pattern of domestic abuse.

You will get through this, it’s horrible now, but things will change.

Good luck, OP.

he goes stay with him right now

I had to get that right 😉

@bogie

Thumbs He is being super nice to the kids, when he came home from his dads he had bought DD2 her favourite takeaway he is acting like nothing happened and hasn't addressed the situation at all. It seems like guilt the way he is being with them

Hmmmm. Yes, sounds like he's trying to keep them "on-side", doesn't it.

What have THEY said, anything?

No advice but I wanted to add that I developed mania when prescribed Nortriptyline (a type of antidepressant) for nerve pain.

It was hideous and I was completely irrational, started rows over nothing and was absolutely awful to my wonderful and very bewildered husband. I managed to hold it together around the kids though, they would have been aware I was unwell but weren't directly affected.

He needs to speak to a doctor, ring them yourself and explain if you have to. They will get in touch with him.

Sorry, just read your latest update. Ring the doctor again and keep ringing if you have to. His behaviour sounds similar to when I had mania, I could not be reasoned with and couldn't have told you what the problem was. It was solved very quickly with a change of medication.

Why the fuck is he in your shared bed? He should be sleeping elsewhere, preferably another place entirely. If he can play golf then the motherfucker can sleep in the doghouse. Realize your worth and show your children it's not acceptable to be abused by your partner

I've sent him the message, it's not an easy read but pretty much everything I've said here and the advice given I have tried to include. We shall see what or if he responds

It's definitely guilt. He's done something that he knows you wouldn't like or that would upset you. When they get that angry it's usually because it's something major. I hope you get an answer soon @bogie

OP, it seems that at the moment, he appears to dislike you for no apparent reason. Nor does it make any sense to you.

We don't know if he has anything going on in secret, but what can happen when someone has something secret from their OH is a sort of recreation of the OH in the mind of the person holding the secret.

For example, the wife becomes a 'nag' so that the husband can justify his infidelity, that sort of thing.

This creates cognitive dissonance so the husband cannot maintain this all the time, because part of his brain knows that the wife hasn't changed into a nag. It's the cognitive dissonance which can produce alarming and sudden outbursts, strange behaviour, with the person seemingly reverting to 'normal' at other times and with other people.

I've been there. Exactly the same thing happened to me. I was accused of keeping him from his family, not letting him go out, and was also insulted in quite childish ways, referring to my age and my lack of agility. Shocking to hear when it's all so sudden, no warning, from the person you think loves you, and for which there is no shred of truth. I hope you keep strong OP xx

bogie are you scared of him?

I agree about logging everything.

Also sending support. I posted above that my dh had crisis team intervention over Christmas. They assessed the situation as a whole and often asked if I was coping too.

Me and dh are currently corresponding over WhatsApp message when things are heated. It has diffused some situations I think. I hope it goes well for you and I'm thinking of you today. The crisis team explained to me above some of the behaviours like Protection- similar to what the poster above described.
I'm waiting for it to be over and wonder what I'm getting from the relationship right now.
Make sure you look after yourself.