I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

[bogie]

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

Oh @bogie I hoped he would have got some help. Poor you.

I think he's very in control of his behaviour OP.

You got the gun with both barrels and he didn't care who witnessed it. This isn't a man who loves or cares for you.... in fact I'd say behaviour like that borders on hatred and could be extremely dangerous.

I think you need to stop thinking about what's going on with him, and start addressing your safety

It sounds really concerning and scary op. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You need some support for sure. What have your kids been saying to you about it?

Mania doesn’t really fit.

@JustKittenAround I've had it clinically and yes, it does. A lot of people aren't 'happy' when they have it, primarily impulsive and erratic. It can also be a thing called a mixed state, where someone is hyper but suicidal at the same time. 'Dysphoric mania.'

That he spent a lot of time sleeping and that he does vary what he's behaving like maybe makes it less likely, though.

@bogie I hope all gets sorted out for you soon- he may be hiding something as PP's said. But if he caught you going through his phone or something, he'd probably wig out even more.

Ah, OP, I am very sorry that the GP wasn't more help/ didn't signpost you.
That is really disappointing. Keep notes. Call 999 if he does it again.

Meantime: have you spoken to your kids??? It's interesting that he is putting on a 'normal' front with them. They must be quite confused?

He should really spend a few days with his family to consider your message to him (and perhaps 'talk it over' with them too).
You have been so clear and rational (and kind re him) here that surely they could see there is a problem if they read your message too?

Sending very best wishes to you x

My ex behaved like this - I eventually discovered he was having full blown affairs and lots of other things going on as well. I had no idea at the time. All of his guilt, his anger at me (because it was all my fault somehow) focused and directed at me when I was in his presence.

While I agree that there is a good chance this is a medical issue please do follow UniversalAunts advice which will cover you in either scenario. Prepare yourself, see where you stand financially and legally as a precaution. I think this could go either way.

He’s sucking up @bogie… watch your back

He’s also had a lot of time and privacy and internet access. I genuinely think you need to keep a very close eye on bank accounts and credit cards.

Record and date everything that has happened so far including photographic evidence as evidence.

You are going to need it.

Good luck bogie

@Justilou1

He’s also had a lot of time and privacy and internet access. I genuinely think you need to keep a very close eye on bank accounts and credit cards.

Indeed.

I think you need to make it clear that your marriage will fail and he will be on his own if he doesn't start seeking help for himself. You can't stay with someone who is acting like this.

Not sure why people are suggesting an affair
I'd say he's having a shit time and needs help
I understand it's hard to forget what he's said to you but he is unwell

I really would talk to his Sister at least, family are sometimes 'in' on secrets and if you explain that you have been sleeping on the sofa and are worried sick about him and a bit afraid, well if she knows anything she might put pressure on him to divulge or if she doesn't know at least agree with you that he isn't well, which might help with other family members going forward.

Not sure why people are suggesting an affair

The OP's husband's behaviour was very similar to my ex's when his AP ended their affair. It is one of a few possibilities.

@bogie
My husband's "outburst" wasn't as extreme as yours but very similar. I had a post on here (I've name changed) but asked for it to be deleted as it was potentially outing.

A few weeks ago my "DH" suddenly came out with how unhappy he was, that he'd never been happy with me, never loved me, never wanted our children, marriage etc etc. I'd forced him into this life. It was horrific and seeming totally out of the blue. He then left the house all day, I kept ringing him and asked if there was someone else and he eventually admitted there was.

I said he had to leave and we needed to tell our children, he was a mess, crying and saying he didn't know what he wanted. He drove off a few times in such a state I was seriously worried he'd do something stupid. He's still here and has backtracked on a lot of what he said, but not completely. It's like he needed to try to justify having an affair. I'm undecided if to divorce him but not rushing any decision.

I'm not saying your husband's having an affair, but could he be? Or something else that would cause stress and guilt, gambling, money worries, work stress? Hopefully (kind of) there is a medical cause as tbh I'd have preferred that and it would have been easier for me to deal with.

How’s things @bogie

Just caught up with the thread, how dreadful OP I hope there's been some positive progress