I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

[bogie]

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

I have bipolar and did have an incident when I was paranoid and also doing the picking objects up and putting them down etc like he was doing with his coat.

I think he know's what he thinks you're doing but doesn't want to say it for whatever reason.

PP's are right that some people can also have a bad reaction to a particular antidepressant.

I suppose you can only encourage him to go back to his GP now @bogie , depending how long ago the running around in the street incident was. But if he acts erratically again then call an ambulance.

I don't think people can just call the crisis team about people who aren't already under the crisis team- they have specific people that are put under their care by a consultant, who the person has previously spoken to/seen.

999 would be the first port of call if he wigs out, as they would send the police/ambulance.

I think I would still tell him it's not ok for him to talk to you like that, though, and encourage him to get more help for all your sakes.

How is he able to be civil to the kids?

@Bagamoyo1 People have a different relationship to children than they do to their partner, another adult. He also is not acting normal in front of the kids. Plus he's currently not well- his behaviour isn't going to make sense.

Say someone was paranoid about their partner - their paranoia might not extend to their kids at a particular time. That doesn't mean they're just abusive and not ill.

I was paranoid my partner had hypnotised me to be his sex slave. I was fine with everyone else.

I have experienced serious psychotic episodes in my close family. I would call 111 in this instance. He’s had a single very frightening episode, it could be nothing, or it could be the start of something more. You need to call 111 so you know exactly what to do if this escalates in the night. Agree with the other poster who said if he totally looses it, call 999 as he’s in a mental health crisis. The coat on coat off going back and forth to the car and not knowing what he’s lost it over is what stands out from your post.

JustKittenAround Your advice is dangerous. There's obviously something very wrong.

@MrsTrumpton

Is he hiding something from you like massive debt or an affair that's ended? Something that's been stressing him out to the point he's suddenly flipped into abuse because he can't bring himself to tell you what's wrong? Not excusing his behaviour for a second, he's being out of order and I couldn't stay with a sulker, but having read your previous post it does sound like it's so out of character that I wonder if there's a secret he's not sharing. Especially as his mood doesn't extend to how he's dealing with the kids. In the meantime, take care of yourself and no matter what make sure you and the children are safe.

This 100% He sounds unhinged and there’s either a physiological excuse for it, in which case I would seriously consider contacting your GP and explain this uncharacteristic and unreasonable outburst as he possibly needs more help than just antidepressants. Or there has been some kind of event that has occurred unbeknownst to you - work / financial pressures / affair. I would be very cautious in your approach and either have someone with you, even if just in another room, or at the very least record the conversation. Just make sure you and the kids are safe 💐

He is having a crisis. He will need lots of reassurances that things will get better. Get in to your GP as explain the situation. He may give him something to calm his terror down until the antidepressants begin to work.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope you’re ok

@KurtWilde it is not uncommon in someone desperate to hide something to display such behavior

Mania doesn’t really fit.

Either way. OP should call authorities. But if it’s anything like America, they can’t make a man get help unless he is VERY bad off.

Still betting he’s hiding something. Very odd how he flipped out at first and OP became the focus of abuse on a regular nice day…

@AnyName1 my advice is to set boundaries and protect herself and her children.

She can’t fix a mentality I’ll person. She should get to safety, especially if ANYTHING is dangerous

Op you and your DC are not safe first and foremost and second, neither is your DH.

You absolutely do need to log this incident with his GP.

The GP can make a referral to Mental Health services.

If he is not willing to do this then you need to call an ambulance or the police and let the authorities know what has happened so that if anything happens they are aware.

This is not something you can brush off and if you are worried it will trigger him to lash out at you again be honest with him.

If you can record what is happening and if you let him know you need to seek outside help then that will give you evidence.

Is he the main wage earner? Financial pressure or pressure from work real or imagined can be deadly so please do not underestimate what has happened and let him know you do not feel safe.

If things escalate call the police. He can get mental health services this way if he is unwilling to engage.

Good luck

Op, you must be so scared. I don’t have anything to add that others haven’t already said but I just wanted to say I hope that you get to the bottom of it

It sounds like some sort of psychotic episode to me.
He needs immediate help. First port of call is a visit to the GP by you. I would begin to write a summary of his behaviour over the past few weeks and on the day of the verbal attack . This may be vital as it would give medical professionals a heads up .
So sorry Op,

Bizarre. I'd be worried about a brain lesion/tumour. Or, if this is ruled out, possibly some sort of psychotic episode? It sounds very dramatic just to switch like this, particularly without any history of it.

Agree with pp about writing up what has been happening in the past few weeks before this outburst.

You need to speak with the GP very first thing to make them aware of the extent & nature of his outbursts. He sounds very unwell.

If you are awake now or early, you could ring NHS 111 for advice. I expect that they’d take notes & advise you what to do e.g. contact the GP, call 999 if things escalate, & they may have access to the acute community MH team.

From what you say he is acting out of character, & although you are shocked & hurt by what he has said to you, it is part of his being unwell so don’t take it as a measure or revelation of a truth.

Keep yourself & the kids safe.

And please don’t underestimate the impact something like this is having on the kids. Seeing all that only recently, and now the fall-out from it, will be traumatic for them. How are they processing it? What help do they have?

That's so strange, upsetting and scary. I think first and foremost you talk to the children - not as an authority figure because you're not one in this instance, but just as equals. You don't quite understand and he won't speak to you atm, has he said anything to any of them that could be enlightening? They are not babies and could have an adult conversation. You can reassure them that you're not divorced yet but it might help if dad stays elsewhere for a short while until this has been sorted out. They need to know your intentions, atm I bet they're worried sick and frightened. They have no control here at all, you can consider whether you stay together or not, but they don't even have that. It's terrifying for them to live under that sort of uncertainty.

Whatever is going on with him, I do hope you get some clarity quickly. Good luck.

This sounds very scary for you and the children. Anti-depressants can have serious side effects. A quick google confirms they can cause psychosis. The nhs lists psychosis as hyponatremia (abnormally low sodium) being a serious side effect in the elderly warranting immediate medical attention.

I would contact 111 or the GP surgery and ask for an urgent call back to discuss his behaviour - whichever will be faster. If it happens again, please call 999.

As for your children, I also think you need to discuss this with them and as Jux says, being secondary age, you can discuss this in a more adult way. They must be very confused.

@bogie

No chance he was drunk or high, we had been to our daughters skating event together the out with friends, he was driving so was just on soft drinks. It was during dinner he started acting strange then he really lost it when we had arrived home.

I'll maybe get the courage to speak to him tomorrow when the kids have gone to school, I think I am just dreading the outcome. I feel like my whole life has changed in a day and facing up to the reality of it is just so tough

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out

Don't even consider leaving, he has no right to banish you from your own home.

Whatever his reason for the meltdown he is BVVU taking it out on you and blaming you.

Quite frankly I wouldn't try to broach the subject with him in too much detail atm if all he is going to do is hurl abuse at you. He will just use it as a further excuse to pile on more abuse.

A horrible situation. Difficult to know what to suggest at this stage if your only place to sleep is on the couch.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the only incident, it’s just the only one you’ve seen.

You need to have a word with him once the kids are at school. I agree with what others have said he sounds unwell. If this was the beginning of the "script" he wouldn't of acted like that in front of friends and children.

He sounds extremely unwell

It honestly sounds as if he needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist.

This must be terrifying for you. I know you are trying to be supercalm, but you can't control your H, and I think you need to consider having him taken to A&E for an evaluation. Please call 111.

Is there anywhere you can go for a week or so with the kids? Your mother's house?

Do some of you hate men that much that you just see ‘the script’ in everything?

Some of the ‘advice’ on here is ridiculous, bordering on unsafe 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP, please try to speak to him and seek medical advice, he sounds very ill. And please speak with your children, you all must be very scared and confused.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs xx

That’s very strange behavior indicative of psychotic break or brain injury. He needs medical help.

Thank you for all the advice everyone.

I'll go for a walk up to the Gp this morning after the kids are of to school.

I'll see if he can advise me any further. I'll also give his parents a call (not sure they do much we don't see much of them but I think they need to know)

Then if I can manage it I'll try and come back to speak to him

I'll update later

This is worrying. A colleagues husband had a complete breakdown out of nowhere last year, just started shouting and screaming and throwing things into the street. He is also very mellow and out of the blue. She called an ambulance and I genuinely expected him to be home later that day when she called me in tears the morning after. He was admitted for 8wks. You really need to speak to him, it sounds so out of the blue and worrying for him to act like that. Also don’t pretend nothing has happened with the kids, they deserve to know why it happened. Speak to him and later speak to the kids, either together or just you. Good luck