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Original poster

I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

268 replies

bogie · 25/01/2022 20:14

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

OP posts:
PorpoiseWithPurpose · 25/01/2022 21:57

Have you considered whether he’s having an affair?

Sounds like the beginning of “the script”.

Especially the accusations about his life being a mess and he blames you.

You only need to read every single cheating husband thread to realise this is how it all starts…

Brideandprejudice · 25/01/2022 21:57

It sounds like a psychotic break to be honest.

Not sure if that term is out of date but it sounds as though he needs help

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2022 21:58

@Mamette

OP can you arrange some kind of intervention with his parents and your mum and other trusted people?

Tell him X person is bringing him to be checked out, if he refuses, he needs to leave the house to stay with someone else.

Please get as much support around yourself as possible Flowers

This.

He is so unstable and explosive at the moment that whatever the reason for that is, he's not someone safe to be around alone or with your children present. They shouldn't have to witness this and this has happened more than once now.

Things said and done when explosive and unstable cannot always be unsaid or undone so it's important that your children are not exposed to this while he is acting this way.

He needs to be checked over (especially as he referenced suicide) and as PP said, he needs to stay elsewhere for the sake of the kids' stability while this is addressed by professionals.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2022 21:59

@Brideandprejudice

It sounds like a psychotic break to be honest.

Not sure if that term is out of date but it sounds as though he needs help

I agree with this, he sounds unwell.
RoisinD · 25/01/2022 21:59

From experience I would agree with your mum. Needs further investigation. Don't ignore. If nothing is found then of course you have other issues.

supercali77 · 25/01/2022 21:59

It sounds psychotic/like some kind of episode. Out of the blue entirely and over nothing? Its either that or he's hiding something deeply stressful....money issues? I've actually seen that before. Totally mental/erratic behaviour from a friends DH. Beneath it all was that he'd slowly (main wage earner) ended up in deep debt. Nothing nefarious, just had made a lot one year and hardly anything the next and he hadn't saved enough to cover it. He doesnt sound like he's a good communicator (not telling you about the depression).. is that part normal for him?

MrsTrumpton · 25/01/2022 22:00

@PorpoiseWithPurpose

Have you considered whether he’s having an affair?

Sounds like the beginning of “the script”.

Especially the accusations about his life being a mess and he blames you.

You only need to read every single cheating husband thread to realise this is how it all starts…

This is what I meant with my comment about him hiding a secret. It does sound like the beginning of the script.
Roadhouse111 · 25/01/2022 22:00

He could have a kidney infection, not joking. This happened to my uncle and he ended up nearly punching his wife of 50 years, my dad had to go round and restrain him. Said some really hurtful things to her, turns out it was the infection, he can't remember much about it either.

me4real · 25/01/2022 22:01

After his latest antics, please call an ambulance @bogie . This isn't right and he needs a proper assessment from a consultant.

Onthefloor2 · 25/01/2022 22:03

Brain scan!! There’s a thing under the brain but above your nose and it releases certain hormones and if your levels are low it can be really dangerous!!

He needs to be checked out

Viviennemary · 25/01/2022 22:03

Sounds to me as if he is having a nervous breakdown that has been building up for some time. Has he got stress at work or is he in danger of losing his job.

ikeepseeingit · 25/01/2022 22:09

OP can you call 111 or make an urgent GP appointment yourself tomorrow (and only you go)? He needs to be referred properly. This is a very sudden and severe personality change which could be from a mental/psychotic break or any number of medical issues. If this is not the case then it still urgently needs ruling out. He needs a consultant to look at him ASAP x

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 25/01/2022 22:09

If he’s talking to your children normally and ignoring you, this is deliberate behaviour.

I’d wage my house on there being nothing wrong wrong with his “brain”…

He’s hiding someone or something and taking it out on you.

Start investigating, OP.

MananaTomorrow · 25/01/2022 22:09

I’d contact his GP (the one he saw to get the ADs) and ask to have a chat about him.
The GP won’t be able to comment or tell you anything but you can explain how out of character his behaviour has been and that you are worried.
I’d trust the GP to then follow up on that (maybe as a review on how the meds are doing etc…) do more checks etc….

MananaTomorrow · 25/01/2022 22:10

@PorpoiseWithPurpose

If he’s talking to your children normally and ignoring you, this is deliberate behaviour.

I’d wage my house on there being nothing wrong wrong with his “brain”…

He’s hiding someone or something and taking it out on you.

Start investigating, OP.

However, I’d agree with that too.

Behaving normally with the dcs but refusing to talk to you isn’t having a psychotic breakdown….

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/01/2022 22:10

My dh had a breakdown, it wasn’t an affair he had heart problems that were escalating & it all got too much for him.

If he won’t discuss it with you I’m stumped though.

Workin8til6 · 25/01/2022 22:12

I also think this sounds potentially medical. It’s sudden and he wasn’t coherent by the sounds of it.
Or it could be a psychotic breakdown potentially.
However it doesn’t sound like the beginning of “the script” to me because usually the purpose of the script is to prevent themselves from being the bad guy and so that friends and family still think highly of them. But here he blew up in front of everyone, it would have made him look totally insane, that doesn’t fit with “the script” type behaviours at all really.

Mamato2under2 · 25/01/2022 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTrumpton · 25/01/2022 22:15

Mamato2under2 You've posted this under the wrong thread. Maybe ask @MumsnetHQ to move it?

Workin8til6 · 25/01/2022 22:16

And it doesn’t sound like he is talking to the children normally. Well he isn’t behaving normally in front of them.
When people are ill with neurological conditions/brain tumours etc they can get confused and very angry and direct the anger towards one person if they think they have done something bad to them. It sounds like this is what is happening, he said he couldn’t remember what it was but it was definitely something. My great gran had a mini stroke and suddenly started getting very angry towards one carer in her care home, she was paranoid about her and saying she was trying to get her etc. Refused to speak to her. But she was lovely to everyone else.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 25/01/2022 22:16

Hi there Mama,
It might be better to start your own thread rather than add to someone else's? Right up at the top of the page, click on "Start a new thread in this topic".

me4real · 25/01/2022 22:18

@Mamato2under2 You need to make your own thread- on the top left it says ' start new thread on this topic.'

Mangofandangoo · 25/01/2022 22:25

Sounds like he needs help OP. So sorry you're going through this

SameToo · 25/01/2022 22:32

Definitely worth an assessment to rule things out.

Lollipop858 · 25/01/2022 22:33

Did you say that he has just started on anti depressants? These can sometimes cause extreme adverse reactions like this so it’s worth talking to the GP if it is the case.

MH is a tricky thing. You need to talk to him about what happened as hard as it is.

Could be the start of The Script as someone says but best to rule out all other medical causes before you jump on that ship!

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