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Original poster

I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

268 replies

bogie · 25/01/2022 20:14

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

OP posts:
lisaandalan · 25/01/2022 23:47

Maybe psychotic, please don't leave your children with him, he's. Not stable at the moment. X

Autumnleaves4 · 26/01/2022 00:02

You were not out on this earth to make him happy. You can’t rely on someone else for your happiness. Blaming you for his lack of happiness is plain wrong. Don’t take that sort of crap from him.

Why are you bing so meek about all this. Talk to him, talk to your children, explain to them all that illnesses or not his behaviour was completely unacceptable.

Tell him to go to his mums until he can reflect on his shocking behaviour and set about getting the help he needs. What do you mean you don’t want to ask him to leave?

Autumnleaves4 · 26/01/2022 00:02

*put on this earth

LovedayCL · 26/01/2022 00:07

@ikeepseeingit

OP can you call 111 or make an urgent GP appointment yourself tomorrow (and only you go)? He needs to be referred properly. This is a very sudden and severe personality change which could be from a mental/psychotic break or any number of medical issues. If this is not the case then it still urgently needs ruling out. He needs a consultant to look at him ASAP x
This. I don’t think he’s safe to be around and you should consider involving his parents. It could be an acute mental health issue or brain tumor or other health issue that requires urgent treatment. If it’s none of those things (the sudden behavioural change is concerning though) then he’s abusive, and that’s not safe for you either.
Aphrodite31 · 26/01/2022 00:08

Either a brain tumour or a reaction to medication.

So sorry OP. This needs immediate investigation.

Bagamoyo1 · 26/01/2022 00:22

@Aphrodite31

Either a brain tumour or a reaction to medication.

So sorry OP. This needs immediate investigation.

How is he able to be civil to the kids? I’ve never known a brain tumour to cause selective nastiness.
irene9 · 26/01/2022 00:23

I think you should talk to your kids about his odd behavior. Don't just pretend it's fine. They must be worried.
Forget about the content of what he is saying. Look at the context, the peculiarness of the behavior. You are pretending it's fine. Do you see you are minimising it.
He could be having a psychotic episode. He's directing anger specifically at you in a weird way, is he not? Did the other adults at the skating lunch not think it was weird?
Either he needs to leave or you and the kids do.

Lunificent · 26/01/2022 00:26

It’s not safe for him to be near the children. Can you try and force the issue of him going to his mum’s?

LetsGoParty · 26/01/2022 00:30

What an awful,situation. Is there anyone else who could talk to him that he trusts and would listen too? Maybe a brother, father or friend?

Babyroobs · 26/01/2022 00:31

I'm with your mum on this. I think he needs some kind of intervention other than just anti-depressants. Things like a brain tumor could trigger a sudden personality change like this.

Justilou1 · 26/01/2022 00:33

I would also consider going through all banking online and seeing if there is anything to worry about and checking his phone messages, what’sapp, messenger, hidden messaging apps, etc. (Not from UK, so others may have a better idea.) If he’s on newly-prescribed psych meds, hopefully he gets very tired with them and sleeps well. If not, and he’s still agitated, the doctor needs to be notified. He can’t possibly be back to “normal” after such a short time. They take several weeks to kick in.

JustKittenAround · 26/01/2022 00:37

I’m betting he is hiding something as well. This type of thing happens A LOT in these situations.

I have had outbursts of anger that I’m not proud of and have depression (managed at the moment) and it doesn’t matter because there is no excuse for such behavior, and it’s important to apologize and do better.

He hasn’t even done that.

Psychotic episode is unlikely given his other actions.

While it’s nice to be understanding of mental illness it is not anyone’s job to minimize it and excuse it. You didn’t deserve that treatment or this treatment after. He needs to come to you to take accountability for his very hurtful actions.

timeisnotaline · 26/01/2022 00:38

His parents have room for him but o don't think he would go, I'm not sure he'd leave the kids. I don't want to force him from our house
Whatever you do you can’t possibly move out and leave him with your children. You can’t leave him with your children if it’s a breakdown, and if it’s not then you would also be crazy to let him force you from your house and children too, because he’s your ‘best friend’. Have you told his parents he’s had a complete breakdown and needs help, but he won’t talk to you? Maybe they can get him to theirs.

Chloemol · 26/01/2022 00:42

He does it again, screaming and carrying on, shouting in your face, call 999 and get help immediately, not being funny but he sounds manic and may need urgent medical help,

Bussinbussin · 26/01/2022 00:42

Whatever is behind this, he is clearly not safe to be around and I really think you need to get out with the kids, or get him out, ASAP.

KurtWilde · 26/01/2022 00:44

Some of the 'advice' on this thread is actually bonkers. Check his phone? Check his bank? Tell him to reflect on his behaviour?

The man has had a mental breakdown of some sort. He'll be absolutely terrified and trying to function normally for the kids. He's not communicating with OP because he's got it fixed in his head that she's 'done' something but he has no idea what because it isn't anything. People who are going through this kind of thing often have no idea why they're being like they are.

Unfortunately, the horse has bolted for any kind of instant intervention. That should've happened when he was acting manic. The ambulance backed up by police. He'd have been taken to hospital and assessed, possibly sectioned for 28 days to get to the bottom of it, start him on medication and give it chance to start working before releasing him.

As it stands, he's appearing to be 'back to normal' but he obviously isn't. You do need to address this with your DC, OP. To act like it never happened isn't healthy. As for what can be done re. intervention, all I can say is if he has another outburst you do need to call both ambulance and ask for police assistance.

GrandmasCat · 26/01/2022 00:48

OP, please talk to your children even if you don’t know how to. He may be talking to them as normal but they might have found the episode as traumatic as you did.

AutomaticMoon · 26/01/2022 00:50

Thyroid can cause psychosis.

AutomaticMoon · 26/01/2022 00:51

Or bipolar perhaps

Winterautumn · 26/01/2022 00:51

Could be
1-Bad reaction to anti depression drug
2-manic episode/breakdown/other brain condition
3-extreme stress because he’s hiding something

mummykel16 · 26/01/2022 00:53

@bogie

His parents have room for him but o don't think he would go, I'm not sure he'd leave the kids. I don't want to force him from our house Hes my best friend, I am trying to see it from that point of view and I want him to be well. It's so shit and just so hard because I try and start talking but I remember everything he said and I think I'm so scared to find out that he meant every word and it's over.
Just show him this comment, it says so much so well
RantyAunty · 26/01/2022 00:55

Definitely ring 999 if he does this again. They'll be able to admit him for observation and run tests.

JustKittenAround · 26/01/2022 00:56

@KurtWilde You’re doing a lot of reading into the motivation for this mans behavior. You cannot know how terrified he is. His behavior also does not seem manic as described by OP.

For herself and her children it is important to focus on boundaries and what is acceptable.

Unless of course I somehow missed something which can happen. Just honestly this behavior is an old chestnut

nomoreroad · 26/01/2022 01:05

The kids (including nephew who had been dropped as we arrived home) we're all there to hear it. I don't know wether to try and speak to the kids about it but how can I explain to them until I know what's wrong.

If he's behaving like this in front of even his kids then how can it be a script or whatever for cheating? I thought the point of that was to pretend to be the good guy. Not a scary, crazy person who goes on anti depressants. I knew someone schizophrenic, who'd have outbursts like this. It sounds like a mental dissociation from reality type thing. Definitely needs scans and medical intervention.

KurtWilde · 26/01/2022 01:06

[quote JustKittenAround]@KurtWilde You’re doing a lot of reading into the motivation for this mans behavior. You cannot know how terrified he is. His behavior also does not seem manic as described by OP.

For herself and her children it is important to focus on boundaries and what is acceptable.

Unless of course I somehow missed something which can happen. Just honestly this behavior is an old chestnut[/quote]
How about threatening to kill himself in the street? Coat on, coat off, coat on, coat off..

That's all manic behaviour and shouldn't be minimised as 'the script' ffs.