DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"

[Eyes99]

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

@Prinnny

YABU my DH often forgets to close the baby gate and it drives me insane, if DD2 fell on the stairs she could be seriously injured so I 100% get where your partner is coming from.

Yeah but your H ‘Prinnny’ often forgets. OP doesn’t, but her neurotic husband still screams at her, projecting his fears into his kid.

I've read all your posts OP but not everyone's replies. My thinking is that you made a mistake and then you minimised the risks. Deciding to do away with the stair gate should be joint decision and clearly not even you think it's time for that. Your DP saying 'he could have cracked his head open and died' is not overly dramatic, it's factual and your saying that he was saying this like he was auditioning is mean IMHO. Your DP is worried about the risks and he is well within normal bounds of parental risk assessments - i.e. there are many, many parents of 2.5 year olds who don't want them walking down the stairs unmonitored. It honestly sounds like you were deflecting and like you are struggling to take responsibility for your own mistake. He should not shout but I do expect that he does so in a desperate bid to get you to listen to his POV - something your posts suggests that you don't actually do. If he is a shouter normally, of course that's a problem but if it's just when you minimise real risks, I think that is much less worrying. You need to respect his view more and then you can work together to hear each other's thoughts and make parenting decisions together.

I think it would be helpful to acknowledge that both of your behaviours have the potential to hurt your child- yours by accidentally leaving the stairgate open (which you recognise) and his by shouting in front of his child about his own death. Maybe point out that parents shouting will create an atmosphere of anxiety and stress for children, and that talking about the worst case scenario will mean that they become unable to calculate risk properly and are frightened of everything.

You should like you've recognised your responsibility and apologised for messing up. Has he?

Thank you for all the comments & apologies to whoever i said 'calm the fuck down to'. That was unnecessary.

I guess I'm just surprised at the number of people who think my DH shouting about my child dying at 8am isn't over the top, unnecessary and harmful. I know I made a mistake leaving it open & I apologised for that.

So for example last week my DS went into the garage with my DH and he obviously picked up a small screw from somewhere. I saw it in his hand and took it off him. I didn't scream at my DH 'he could have swallowed that and died' because that would be crazy. I went back into to the garage and double checked what was at arm length for DS

I know anxiety makes you imagine terrible things all the time. But it doesn't excuse being shouted at.

OP it sounds like you minimise risks though hence why DP shouts? He is not just anxious about the risk which presented, he is anxious that his parenting partner is blase about it - because that means the risk is really, really, really high in a wide variety of areas. It's not crazy to think your child can die from falling down the stairs - children.

Sorry, just to add, just because anxiety makes us imagine terrible things, does not mean that the terrible things we are imagining are unrealistic. Anxiety is an evolutionary mechanism for helping us to react to dangers. Your child being on the stairs by themselves is a danger.

OP it sounds like you minimise risks though hence why DP shouts?

But the shouting is counter-productive - who responds well to being shouted at and reprimanded at 8am?

So for example last week my DS went into the garage with my DH and he obviously picked up a small screw from somewhere. I saw it in his hand and took it off him. I didn't scream at my DH 'he could have swallowed that and died' because that would be crazy. I went back into to the garage and double checked what was at arm length for DS

To me this seems like a much more normal way to approach things - maybe a "just keep an eye out in case DS picks up any more of these" and then everyone gets on about their business.

I'm sorry OP, I'd find living with someone who is 1) that anxious and 2) expecting you to operate at their level of anxiety, very draining.

just because anxiety makes us imagine terrible things, does not mean that the terrible things we are imagining are unrealistic

That is why you have to risk matrix between potential harm and potential likelihood or probability of it happening.

*OP it sounds like you minimise risks though hence why DP shouts?

But the shouting is counter-productive - who responds well to being shouted at and reprimanded at 8am*

Who responds well to their partner acting as if their child being in a situation the parents have jointly deemed to be too risky is not that big a deal?

Given how blase the OP has been on this thread, what would make her respond well? I think the DP may have shouted out of fear which was exacerbated by the OPs minimising reaction.

Sounds like you dh could do with some worry management skills. Worrying about the worst case scenario isn't helping him to deal with everyday scenarios..

Is he open to the idea of support with his anxiety as a CBT approach might help him.

@sillysmiles

just because anxiety makes us imagine terrible things, does not mean that the terrible things we are imagining are unrealistic

That is why you have to risk matrix between potential harm and potential likelihood or probability of it happening.

Absolutely but not sure how that's relevant?

OPs post seemed to be suggesting that anxiety makes you imagine things which aren't really going to happen but in this instance they absolutely could. I imagine that, on some level, the OP and her partners did such a risk evaluation when they agreed to use a stairgate?

I don't think I have minimised. I clearly must have done because so many of you think I have.

I've been a bit mean and frustrated about his REACTION, but I never once said it didn't matter or wasn't dangerous. I apologised. If the minimising is me calling him dramatic - is it not dramatic to talk about skulls cracking open>

Both can be true. I can take it seriously and think shouting about death is OTT. Surely there is a middle ground.

But my DH thinks I am minimising and it's stressing him out. When he shouts about the child dying next time something is out of place or within reach or whatever else - should I just say 'you're right, we could have seen our child die just now if he had decided to reach for the dishwasher tablet. Let's sit in silence for four hours and reflect on that' (As he does - silent sulking and staring at the floor over every thing that goes wrong)

He's wrong for shouting but not wrong in what he says. When I was 3, I fell down the stairs at someone else's house because they didn't have a staircase. I only fell from the 4th step or so but still ended up in hospital having stitches. Presumably, you have a staircase as you both feel there is a need for it?

Nt only that, by my sister in law's brother died as an infant because their mum left something lying around that she shouldn't and he consumed it.

So he shouldn't be shouting, you shouldn't be leaving things lying around or leaving stairgates open when he could have an avoidable accident.

@CountTessa - yes, he promised me he would get CBT for anxiety. He can spend up to a week rewriting emails to his boss because he thinks everything sounds wrong and he think he's going to get sacked constantly. I get sent emails for me to check before he sends them. I mean - it's out of control

But he hasn't actually followed through

I'm currently working FT and he's dropped to part time and we are still paying for childcare to give him time to himself to exercise, go for walks, start hobbies to try and minimise the stress

I was coming on to let off steam about the impact of living with someone with anger and anxiety. And yet perhaps I'm in the one in the wrong here and I'm making him worse.

I think DHs behaviour is likely to cause more damage than leaving a stair gate open tbh.

It does depend in child but mine were confidently managing stairs easily by 2.5 years.
He was being iver dramatic and shouldn't shout at you like that, I think his anxiety is coming to play here.

@GreyCarpet - that is terrible. I'm so sorry that happened. And very scary.

I'm not saying these things don't happen and I try my best to avoid things being risky. But I also don't think I can live a life where we are constantly worrying about everything that could go wrong. I struggle with that to be honest

I am a bit the other way. For example I lost a baby last year (twins) very late and had to give birth to them both. It was the most traumatic thing. But I reflect on the fact I was so surprised it happened - because perhaps I always assume these things happen to other people

We started letting ds go up and down the stairs independently at 2.5. We taught him to go down on his bum and he was always very careful. We made sure he was confident and stable first. At age 2.5 they start to climb over stair gates so it’s actually safer to teach them to use the stairs.

The bottom stair gate came off long ago

Why have you or DH not fixed the bottom gate?

Ki wouldn't say that you were in the wrong at all. I was suggesting he had no sense of proportion and some might argue by always avoiding a disaster he never gets the opportunity to discover what would happen.or how any of you might cope in an adverse situation .. Arguably although through oversight you left the gate open, nothing happened. And 9 /10 times it won't. But you both avoid the disaster. So he never discovers what would happen.

Personally I don't think shouting at you helps anyone.

I strongly suspect your H needs help getting over the terrible loss of your twins.

Please, please drag him to the GP to talk about his behaviour and what is behind it.

The fixation on calamity is a sign that he urgently needs medical help to cope with grief, anxiety and possibly depression, certainly the anger that often comes with loss.

Seriously? Your supporting his naval gazing financially he isnt even looking after the child on reduced hours he has zero respect for you less responsibility for you and acts like you are the problem?

Tell him Get help within 4 weeks or up his hours again all the jogging in the world clearly isn't helping him

This thread has turned into a virtual meeting for anxious parents anonymous.

A good rule of thumb for whether you've spoken to your partner in an appropriate way is to consider whether you'd be embarrassed for a third party you respect to have seen and heard you.

You could ask him to seriously consider that (maybe name a person) - he doesn't have to give you an answer, he just had to seriously consider how he'd feel of that person had seen and heard him - would they view him the way he wants to be viewed by them?

Of course you should be more careful but his attitude is appalling.

How would be react of you spoke to him the exact way he spoke to you?

You made a mistake, as human beings do at times. What does he think his shouting will achieve?

Suffering from anxiety doesnt = he can bawl you out.

Shouty men are the pits. Coupled with the not talking to you, perhaps you could tell him shouting and sulking isn't an adult way to resolve conflict and its not something you want in your life.

Health visitor told me I could remove mine at the 2yr check up .. I took the bottom one off kept the top one as stairs are right in front of her bedroom so like to keep that shut in case she wanders out at night .