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Original poster

DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"

290 replies

Eyes99 · 25/01/2022 12:19

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 25/01/2022 15:41

Maybe have a few choice sentences to use

'I agree I shouldn't have left the stair gate open, it was a mistake however yelling at me is not only rude and upsetting, it's also damaging to our children'

'I didn't give x my perfume, please stop talking to me like I'm something you stepped in, yelling and swearing at me ain't going to change anything and will upset the dc and me'

'I know you have x safely at the forefront but you will teach them that shouting and demeaning people is what happens in a healthy relationship'

I'd also have a chat with him about how his anxieties will affect his dc and that you would both benefit from some couples or family councilling

DeepDown12 · 25/01/2022 15:42

I don't think he's right to shout but in terms of being upset, I'm with your DH. We have a 2yo and if my DH left the gate open - I'd be seriously upset. I'd also be seeing all the worst scenarios - it is in my nature to identify the worst outcome and protect against it and I don't see him telling you that as him being overly dramatic but just telling you what he fears. You, on the other hand, come across as very defensive if your upset is not related to the fact he shouted but to the fact that he outlined the scenario he fears.

alexdgr8 · 25/01/2022 15:45

agree with Deepdown above.
i don't see this relationship lasting. or if so, mainly because child's father feels need to monitor safety issues.

mathanxiety · 25/01/2022 15:45

@Eyes99 - I completely agree with your pov here.

Your H sees all of this happening, and instead of running to save the child whose life is allegedly in danger he stands there shouting at you?

Even if it's not that clearcut, your H needs to get treatment for his anxiety.

He will destroy your marriage and make your home a horrible place for your child to grow up in if he doesn't seek treatment.

He was stressed generally and took it out on me and shouted in front of our child about the child dying.
...
I only told him he was overdramatic when he was responded to me by shouting 'our child could have cracked his skull open and died' - like he was auditioning for a movie.

This sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable. You need to stand up and insist it stops. Neither you nor your child should have to put up with it. Insist he gets treatment, whether medication or talk therapy, or both. This should not be negotiable.

Does he hold down a job? Does he shout at his colleagues like this?

mathanxiety · 25/01/2022 15:53

Agree with 2DogsOnMySofa

If he still insists the problem is you, then you need to get very tough with him.

1forAll74 · 25/01/2022 15:57

I think that there will be hundreds of households, where either parent will take to shouting about something like this, , and one blaming the other for shouting, as there are lots of people who are overly anxious about children getting injured when not supervised all the time. It's just different reactions from people, who always envisage the worst case scenarios for everything that may happen.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/01/2022 15:58

Does he not think that shouting at you frightens the kids?

He needs to seek some help for his (over) anxiety.

mathanxiety · 25/01/2022 16:11

It's just different reactions from people, who always envisage the worst case scenarios for everything that may happen.

That is a problem that needs medical attention.

Crocadoodledoo · 25/01/2022 16:13

He does know he’s not in charge of you? Or didn’t he get that particular memo?

Fine to point out a mistake, but the way he talks down to you and yells at you front of the kids is dreadful and I wouldn’t put up with it, no matter what the issue was. He’s setting your kids up for a lifetime of anxiety and walking on eggshells. I experienced similar as a child and it’s blighted my whole life and relationships.

Givemepickles · 25/01/2022 16:17

What your DH is doing is not "frustration" it's anxiety. It's not a proportionate response to the situation which is a classic tell-tale sign of anxiety. He's only concerned about how he feels, rather than the reality. He takes it out on you because he feels so anxious he struggles to keep it in. It's not ok and he has to develop healthy coping strategies.

I don't think you sound lax at all OP and I think many posters here also have anxiety about anything that could possibly go wrong. There was a thread yesterday about whether someone should walk home on a busy road at 8pm or get a taxi for "safety" 🙄. These reactions are out of all proportion to the actual risks.

It's very important that children learn that a) they can get hurt b) learning from what hurt them c) the risks of any activity. Being coddled by over anxious parents and wider society does not help them. You were hardly throwing your child into a bear pit, it was a stair gate and a bottle of perfume.

Your DH needs help to recognise these are his thoughts, his fears, his emotions. Would he be open to that?

I highly recommend the book The Coddling of the American Mind for an overview of how safetyism has altered society and generations of children are deprived the freedom and growth that older generations were, despite society being significantly safer than ever before. It may help your DH understand why "risk" is important for your children's development.

BillMasen · 25/01/2022 16:18

@alexdgr8

agree with Deepdown above. i don't see this relationship lasting. or if so, mainly because child's father feels need to monitor safety issues.
Would you say that regarding a mum monitoring safety issues!
Zilla1 · 25/01/2022 16:19

Tell your DP that is he can't communicate without shouting and over-dramatising then don't bother communicating to you until he can.

IME the parent who is 'shoutiest' to their DP and most unforgiving of their partners' mistakes tend to kid themselves as being 'my own worst critic' and 'expect high standards because they have high standards' but are much better at policing and shouting at their partner than being a good parent themselves. They also tend not to like being criticised or shouted at themselves and will want to bounce it back and say 'the only reason you're saying that is because you are annoyed at me for picking out your mistake earlier'.

BillMasen · 25/01/2022 16:20

Apologies @alexdgr8 totally misread your post. Ignore me 😀

girafferafferaffe · 25/01/2022 16:31

Just now on the phone - I said to him it's the tone and the way you go about it and he just said ''Well I'm more concerned with DC not dying before breakfast than worrying about you being offended by my tone"

Such a rude way of talking to you. It was a mistake. We all make them. Dc is fine. He needs to stop being so high and mighty and saying stuff like that. Dying before breakfast, honestly 🙄

Helendee · 25/01/2022 16:31

Sounds like you need to risk assess your home and places you go and implement safety measures. I get the feeling you aren’t as vigilant as you could be ( correct me if I’m wrong) and it must be stressful for your partner.
Re the shouting, is it just spur of the moment shouting in panic?

GTAlogic · 25/01/2022 16:31

I'm quite a lax parent too and I'd hate to be dramatically told off for all the potential accidents around my children, especially with them so close by.

Children are actually really good at assessing risk and pushing their limits safely if you let them; the issue comes when you point out danger everywhere and stop them from working out for themselves what they can and can't do (or when you push them too far and they go beyond their limits).

How are they going to learn how to climb stairs and come down them again, safely, if they're never given the chance to do so?

Yanbu op.

Bagamoyo1 · 25/01/2022 16:33

@ThreeFeetTall

I have a 2.5 year old. The bottom stair gate came off long ago but we keep the top one. Depends on the child. Does your DP have full care of the child much? Not just a couple of hours but all day sometimes? Easy to say keep your eyes on them at all times but impossible in practise IMO
Why remove the bottom gate but keep the top one? Surely your child can climb up, then turn around and fall down?
Prinnny · 25/01/2022 16:35

YABU my DH often forgets to close the baby gate and it drives me insane, if DD2 fell on the stairs she could be seriously injured so I 100% get where your partner is coming from.

girlmom21 · 25/01/2022 16:38

Why remove the bottom gate but keep the top one? Surely your child can climb up, then turn around and fall down?

If it's closed when the children are in bed they're not going to get out of bed and drowsily fall down the stairs.

Theunamedcat · 25/01/2022 16:50

Has he been like this all along kinda sounds like he is building a case against you for some reason

How well do you get on with your neighbours can they hear him going off at you?

sillysmiles · 25/01/2022 16:55

@Eyes99 I think people with anxiety expect others to meet them where they are and operate at their level of anxiety/stress/risk assessment all the time. It's draining.
It's the over reaction that is it issue though. However if your DH was the mum and posting that her DH never considered safety issues MN would be all over it. But MN is frequently batshit imo about safety and risk.

Seemssounfair · 25/01/2022 17:11

You need to both calm down and have a talk. Admit you were wrong (if you agree) to leave the gate open, but it was a genuine slip up and while you don't mind being reminded you also do not expect to be reprimanded. When he does that, you are going on the defensive and all hell then breaks loose.

Tell him you both need to find a better and more respectful way to communicate with each other while appreciating that neither of you is perfect (and may occasionally leave gates open/or over react). Talk about how you can signal each other to diffuse any escalating arguments. Tell him you don't want your child to witness their mum and dad regularly each others throats and as they grow learning the wrong way to resolve conflict.

If he is receptive it will take a while for you both to change so be patient with each other, if he isn't receptive could you suggest family counselling?

Nocutenamesleft · 25/01/2022 17:12

@Eyes99

I understand that just because an accident didn't happen then doesn't mean it wouldn't happen again in the future. Because I understand logic.

I don't know if you/my DH want me to lie down on the floor and wail for forgiveness - but perhaps you need to reconsider your attitude and calm the fuck down.

  1. Goodness you’re angry. Maybe that needs addressing.
  1. Men aren’t known for having logic!! I mean come on…….
  1. Your DH is so anxious. You’re child is going to become that way. Fear is mostly a learned behaviour. We only are born with 2 fears. Everything else is learned. He will pass it onto his child.
blyn72 · 25/01/2022 17:16

I hope it has all blown over by now, op.

We all make mistakes and it sounds as though you are usually vigilant.

Tine to move on.

GTAlogic · 25/01/2022 17:17

We didn't even have safety gates on the stairs, either at the top or at the bottom. The design of our house, with curved walls at the opening of the stairs, meant that they wouldn't fit. Instead we spent ages teaching our dc to climb up and to backwards climb down them before then guiding them on walking up and down. They never fell.