Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

Could this be a ruse for a surprise party?

That sucks. What were the reasons for the cancellations? Would it work to have a fabulous dinner with your husband and then a belated - post Covid - supper party in a few weeks? Two birthdays for the price of one!

That’s really tough OP, do you think those cancelling had legit reasons? Will you go ahead with the restaurant but just for a smaller table?

Oh that would make me feel bad too.

Have they pulled out for unavoidable reasons??

Even if I’d recently had a baby I’d come for a drink or for cake if I could.

💐💐 I hope they still do something lovely to make you feel special even if they can’t make the dinner

@TooOldForButterflies that’s kind of a cruel suggestion to get her hopes up given it almost certainly isn’t a surprise party!!

OP that was REALLY crap of your friends, I’m sorry 😢

You have three guests, plus you that's four.

Let the restaurant know and go and have a lovely time celebrating your 40th.

@TooOldForButterflies I love your optimism! Ha no sadly it’s not. But your post did make me smile

All sort of good reasons, babies can’t be left. and a partner in a difficult circumstance, has moved a bit further away so the travel is too much, one woman is just being flakey. The one that hurts is my best friend took a job abroad that weekend.

I’m not sure if it just looks too pathetic to the three guests that this is my 40th and they are only three people there, one of whom is my neighbour 🤦🏻‍♀️. Which would have been fine in a big group of old and new friends, but stand alone makes it look like I’m just grabbing anyone near by to make up numbers.

I'm sorry, that must make you feel stink. Honestly I'd message the ones who cancelled and say what's happened (only 3 now coming) and offer an alternative date/time. See what happens after that.

Don't worry about what it looks like!
I wouldn't think anything of a dinner for four?
I'd be hard pressed to get three friends all at the same time, we are all do busy having doing it all!

Be open to enjoying yourself and having a good time.
Show appriciation and gratitude to those who come, let them know it means a lot to you.

That's really tough op

Don't change the date. The people who value you will prioritise the night. I'm sorry people are letting you down.

That is really crap, I think it'd take the wind out of anyone's sails.

You probably just need to let yourself feel how you feel and the emotions will drain away and free you up to feel excited again. Trying to suppress them will mean they stick around and fester. Let yourself feel disappointed and sad for a day, but be kind and caring towards yourself. You'll notice it lift on its own.

I'd probably want to let the remaining guests know numbers were down. I suspect your cancellations so far may have been thinking theirs wouldn't matter without appreciating others might be flaking out too.

I’m sorry OP, it can’t have felt nice. Can you organise something at a later date for those who you think would be able to make it?

I’m afraid I’ve been the ‘best friend took a job abroad that weekend’ a few times. I’m in an industry where you can’t say no when offers come, and a friends’ birthday (or even your child’s) must absolutely come second even though it sounds cruel. It’s the only way to keep your career going sometimes, and perhaps the friend also needed the money on top. So I’m sure it wasn’t done with a bad intention, if you see what I mean. I honestly couldn’t cancel work / not accept it for a birthday dinner, and it does make me sad sometimes that I can’t be there for people

@Mycatsgoldtooth

I’m not sure if it just looks too pathetic to the three guests that this is my 40th and they are only three people there, one of whom is my neighbour 🤦🏻‍♀️. Which would have been fine in a big group of old and new friends, but stand alone makes it look like I’m just grabbing anyone near by to make up numbers.

I'm not sure that'd be my thought process if I were your friend. I'd be disappointed for you, I wouldn't be judging you

Don't cancel!

I would be dissapointed if I had planned to come and because others didn't you cancelled.

The show must go on.
Wear your outfit, eat your cake!
Good idea to check the others are still coming.
Heck, I would still go even if it was the two of us.
The others are probably looking forward to it, planning what to wear.

I remember one NYE it ended up just two of us and it was a cracking night.

Do they all know that others have cancelled? Is it worth sending a message telling everyone you want to double check numbers for next weekend as your DH has bought a big cake and a lot of people have cancelled. I think friends need to know that you’ve been shafted slightly here. A little guilt trip might make some change their mind and come.

Oh that's shit.

I know it's not the same really but DH used to captain a sports team. The drop outs would start on a Friday night. Trouble is everyone thought they were the only one so didn't think it would make much difference but when five out of 11 pull out...

Do they all know that others have pulled out?

I feel for you. My 40th was crap. My "friends" couldn't make it so it was mostly my husbands friends.

I refused to have a 50th because of that. and then there was a pandemic so it didn't matter in the end anyway

I'm so sorry OP. Make sure you still do something with the people who are still going . It really stings. It happened on my 30th . Nearly everyone bailed on the day. It was humiliating. My closest friends and DH who were there tried to make the best of it . I vowed to never put myself in that position again so no more parties . And each person who cancelled probably thought they wouldn't be missed because there'd be others .

Thanks everyone. I’ve let everyone know that loads of people have cancelled, just in case anyone just couldn’t be arsed.
Thank you so much for the nice messages, it’s reassuring that I’m not being a massive diva.
It’s nice to hear other people’s opinions on what to do and their own experiences

I had my Mrs & 2 kids at my 40th during lockdown but I know nobody else would of came anyway & that's fine with me.

What's the point in friendships when life is so short anyway is my thinking & people drift apart over time in the majority of cases.

Also don't build up your birthday too much as you'll end up disappointed.

I think it's really strange to have 90 people at a 40th. Must be a full time job keeping them all happy.

@WorstXmasEver honestly a lockdown birthday night have been better

That's rotten of them OP. I wouldn't feel the same about the ones who cancelled now. The one who's working that's fine they can't help that really. But the others I'd mentally downgrade them and don't prioritize them in future, they're not true friends. I vote go have fun with the ones who want to come. Friends come and go and it's said if you've got a handful of true friends then you're lucky.