Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

That’s terrible and one reason I’d not have a party. I put on a party when I was 18 in my parents’ house and one person showed up which was so awkward (would rather have 0 as no one to report back about party being a flop 😂) and I said I wouldn’t do it again.

If you think the three friends plus your family will get on well go for it and have a nice meal.

And happy birthday when it comes 😊

I’d feel the same OP, and sympathise. Hope you still have a nice time and a happy 40th.

I think if you have a lot of friends with babies, then a nice birthday lunch somewhere where babies are welcome would maybe have been a more realistic choice than an evening do.

I hope you have a nice birthday anyway.

I wonder if people are worried about big social events due to covid? Just not used to bigger social events or scared of catching it?

I'd prefer the smaller group anyway , that sounds great..

This has happened to me a few times and it's 50/50 whether I've been happy I went ahead or it's been a bit meh. I've also been the equivalent of your neighbour, going to a party knowing I'm an acquaintance or less close friend - thinking it will be fun to have a low pressure evening, maybe meet some new people. Only to get there and find I'm now basically the guest of honour! I cringed for both of us.

OP. Have a lovely meal with those who are coming.

I don't have any family apart from adult DCs and a very frail aunt who lives overseas. And my friends I think would cancel as yours have. I understand how it can make you feel.

It's my 60th in a couple of years (bloody hell!) and I don't plan to do anything for it.

@SquarePeggyLeggy

Did they cancel or just say no? That’s different I think. For what it’s worth, I’ve not caught Covid yet and really don’t want to. I would have said no, but made up an excuse so you didn’t feel judged by me for having a party at this time/you wouldn’t think I was being paranoid. I’m not going to any parties or social gatherings at the moment for this reason, but when I respond to the invitation I obviously don’t say: “oh wow, you’re having a party? That’s a bad idea” because that would be rude and the person clearly doesn’t share my opinion about this. I feel like it could be that. Fwiw, I had my last baby at 39, and she woke between 9-12 times per night for almost 10 months straight. I didn’t go to the 40ths of two long term friends who I adored during that time. I was literally not safe to drive there. It was a horrendous time. I did nothing but sleep when I could and take care of the baby. It might have seemed like an excuse, but it really wasn’t. I would have loved to have gone and was very sorry to miss it. So don’t assume it’s anything to do with your worth to them; it’s so much more likely to be nothing to do with you. I know it’s hard but I still think it sounds like a great group.

This!!! ^ Both the COVID thoughts and the reality of demanding baby!

Happy Birthday OP Please try not to take it personally! It almost certainly won't be personal x

Happens every year to my lovely daughter. 31st August birthday. Everyone accepts then cancels for last minute holidays. They don't bother to send cards either.
I had a few cancellations this year myself including a close friend who used the same excuse as last year (staff didn't turn up, she had to go into her shop blah blah). Next year she doesn't get invited. Oh and I was paying!
Enjoy your meal, order the best stuff and look good for FB.

All of my close friends have young DC so I have found myself in a similar situation a few times, where I've organised something and most (or occasionally all!) people cancel. Usually for very legitamte reasons, but sometimes just people being flakey/lazy.

It doesn't feel any less shit just because you're a grown up. There's still a little part of you that feels like a Billy no mates with no one to watch you blow out the candles on your 5th birthday cake.

Fwiw, I would think absolutely nothing of being invited along to a birthday dinner with 4 people. I would be really surprised to go along to a 40th and find 90 other people there! That sounds more like one of those things where you just invite literally everyone you know to make up the numbers, rather than a few close friends. I don't think that either situation particularly speaks to someone's popularity.

Don’t cancel. If the others don’t know the people who have cancelled then just say “Covid” and roll your eyes. I had a big birthday during lockdown when it was rule of 6 and it was crap. Really left me feeling like I’d overestimated my friendships. Quite a few “good friends” just would not come. So I ended up with a night out for 6 with 5 people I rarely see but you know what I had fun and it’s made me realise I need to widen my circle and make more effort to make new friends. It’s a slow process but I’m joining new groups and getting to know new people.

Invite everyone at 10 Downing St.?

IME 40ths are terrible for people cancelling last minute- and Covid plus shit weather makes it worse. One of my good friends had a party and I went but loads of people cancelled on her last minute so it was all a bit thin on the ground. Also I think mobiles give some people an excuse to send texts and be flakey.

Instead of having a big event I celebrated my 40th (and those of friends) by doing lots of things with family and friends all year. So keep the celebrations going, have the dinner but don't make it the only thing you do for your 40th. Stretch it out!

Oh OP that's really shit

I can empathise. Many centuries years ago I booked a room in a nightclub me and my friends went to every Friday and Saturday night for my 18th birthday party. I has fancy invitations printed, got a caterer to do sandwiches, bought a cake and hired a local DJ who was well known for the sort of music we were all into. I'd saved for about a year to afford it all and I invited 40 people.

Not one turned up. Nobody. Even though they all said they would and none actually cancelled. I was sat in the room with the DJ and bar staff for three hours. They all turned up for the club as usual at about 11 with various excuses but I took my cake and fucked off home.

I'm 50 this year but 32 years later and it still stings!

Happy birthday OP - enjoy your evening with the people who are able to make it. You'll have a lovely time with those closest to you!

I had a similar experience a few years ago when booking hendo with work friends. I'd invited 30 but in end think only about three could come. I felt so fed up as another girl had had about 15 on her hendo a few month before and I'd always thought I was quite popular. I cancelled as was feeling a lot of stress generally (I had other stuff going on) after the fact the three girls who could come told me they were really gutted I'd cancelled as they were so looking forward to it I felt bad and wished I'd gone ahead.

It is an awful feeling. I posted on here not long ago about hitting my forties and feeling like my friendships aren't as strong as they use to be. A lot of people replied saying they felt the same. I don't think everyone values friendships as much in their forties or take time to invest. If you can I would try and go and enjoy it with the people who chose to celebrate your fortieth with you.

It's rubbish isn't it! But a small celebration doesn't have to be bad. We have a friends who had a major b'day during lockdown and her husband has been trapped abroad (took a contract abroad just before Covid hit) so I asked what I could do for my 40th that would allow her to come as I guessed she couldn't do a meal out. She suggested a child friendly place on a Saturday morning just before the holidays. Awkward time and place. So I tried to organise it, most people couldn't come and those without kids unsurprisingly didn't want to. Figured I'd buy 50th cake decs so we could celebrate her birthday too. Two families cancelled last minute (one overslept, another had IL's taken I'll and had to rush to the other side of the country). Go there. Wait. Wait. Wait. Eventually get a text to say her DC had decided they wanted to go and spend their pocket money so were going into town to go shopping instead. So that was it. No meal, no message apart from a let's get together after the holidays and then radio silence. We had a lovely morning with the family who did turn up, but I have to say I'm still upset about it, especially as it wasn't how I would have chosen to spend the day.

Go have your meal, maybe invest more time in friendships with the people who do come.

@SmashingBIouse

Oh OP that's really shit

I can empathise. Many centuries years ago I booked a room in a nightclub me and my friends went to every Friday and Saturday night for my 18th birthday party. I has fancy invitations printed, got a caterer to do sandwiches, bought a cake and hired a local DJ who was well known for the sort of music we were all into. I'd saved for about a year to afford it all and I invited 40 people.

Not one turned up. Nobody. Even though they all said they would and none actually cancelled. I was sat in the room with the DJ and bar staff for three hours. They all turned up for the club as usual at about 11 with various excuses but I took my cake and fucked off home.

I'm 50 this year but 32 years later and it still stings!

Happy birthday OP - enjoy your evening with the people who are able to make it. You'll have a lovely time with those closest to you!

Omg that's awful. Why didn't your friends go?!

Cancel and spend that money on treat for you

I'll come! Sounds like a lovely evening 😀

Sorry to hear about this OP!

You've got me all panicky now though, my husband has booked a party with food and a DJ for 35 people for my 40th this Saturday coming, and I'm starting to wonder if the same will happen to me now!
Luckily it's in a bar not a massive function room so it might not look so sparse if there was any cancellations!

Hope you go ahead with your meal, you might have a wonderful evening!

I agree you should let people know that lots of others have cancelled too. I honestly think people who cancel think it won’t matter but it DOES. Flaky people need to learn that it might not be a big deal to them but it is to the host.

For this reason I never, ever pull out of something like this (unless I am in bed dying) because you never know how important it is to someone. I teach my kids the same.

Some of them might reconsider if they know numbers are down (still makes them pretty selfish imo but at least they’ll come).

@sweetbellyhigh some didn't bother making excuses but the ones that did included gigs they'd forgotten buying tickets for, didn't feel well earlier in the evening but felt better later, it was too early, and there was another party somewhere else that had free booze so they went to that one instead. It wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't all turned up for the usual club night afterwards!

I was absolutely heartbroken at the time and felt so humiliated. I didn't go out again for months after. It became a sort of running joke that I'd had a birthday party nobody turned up for.

But it did teach me an important life lesson: People can't be trusted but cake can

Also I think mobiles give some people an excuse to send texts and be flakey.

Absolutely this!

People definitely pull out of things or turn up an hour late far more these days. It’s too easy just to ping a ‘Sorry but have a fab time!’ text.

😡

Feel your pain. My 40th was a disaster too. My partner talked he into having a big do which few turned up to. Can feel the humiliation now.

If you’d promised them a free meal I’d go ahead as is so as not to disappoint anyone looking forward to it. Otherwise I’d rebook for the best restaurant I’d never been to and tell the others it’s off.

Why are people so unkind! Specially those who haven’t turned up to an 18th and 21st.
If I tell someone I’m going to be somewhere I move heaven and earth but won’t let them down.