Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

I was also going to say, who has 90 friends? And I mean friends as in 'we speak regularly and know what's going on in each other's lives'-friends. If somebody's having 90 people at a party you can only assume the majority of those will be neighbours, relatives, work colleagues, all of whom are known to the birthday person but you wouldn't really call friends. Life just doesn't give you time to maintain close relationships with that many people!

Hugs op totally get where you’re coming from having struggled to get people to attend birthdays whilst spending £’s on their wedding and babies but am sure you’ll have a lovely evening with the 4 of you. X

It’s started a feeling script of negative thoughts that are going to keep me awake.

This is why I would never organise a thing like this, I wouldn’t have many people to start with so would be worse for me.

You, your husband and your 3 lovely friends will have a great time! Enjoy it.

I always find the times when everything seems it's not working out end up the best. Go, enjoy!

Thank you all for the lovely calming messages, really making me think not cancelling is the best course of action

Where roughly are you OP?? I'll come!! I can understand why you feel crap about it, its really not nice and that's me speaking from experience

Was everyone paying for their own meal?

To be fair, I would not be attending any larger gatherings at the mo and that would have no reflection on you as a person. It does suck though. Did the 6 people give reasons?

Meant to add a party is a bit different. Disappointing for you though. They shoulcn't have accepted in the first place.

So sorry you are in this position op. Even if it's you your DH and 3 people, those 3 people have shown you that they care about you and have turned up. That's what matters most. I'm 30 in a few months and I'm not having a party as no friends to speak of (which doesn't bother me). My day will be spent out a nice walk with ddog while DP is at work, ds is at school then I will go to my mum and dad's for my cake and some dinner with my other siblings and gran. Small and just a little fuss and that's plenty. The only extravagant thing I want is cake as I love it

@WorstXmasEver

I had my Mrs & 2 kids at my 40th during lockdown but I know nobody else would of came anyway & that's fine with me.

What's the point in friendships when life is so short anyway is my thinking & people drift apart over time in the majority of cases.

Do you think that nobody would have come because of covid, or for other reasons? There are a lot of posts on MN about flaky friends.

You are right not to cancel. I am now CEV so I would be cancelling too sorry and similarly if someone had just had a baby they may not feel at their best, money could be tight, might not want to risk covid etc etc. Its a tricky time for people.

For my 40th my youngest was only 4 months old and my mum would only babysit for 3 hours and we had to feed and put the DC to bed before we left. So we missed the pub and were last to the restaurant (mainly with DH’s friends and one good friend of mine). By the time I had relaxed we were clock watching and it was time to go. For my 50th I had a small low key lunch with three good friends (three weeks before as it was the only date everyone could make it should have been four friends but one cancelled as her elderly DF was seriously ill) and on the actual day/night I just went out to a local restaurant with DH and our DC (the people who meant the most to me and it was lovely).

Enjoy your birthday OP.

If you explore that negative script, you will find it is 90% bollocks.

My head can be like picadilly circus sometimes 😁

Try writing everything down, and closing the book on it.

I sympathise OP. My 30th was beyond crap and my 40th was even worse.

I think you’ve got two options. The first is to go ahead, wear your glam outfit and go all out to enjoy yourself if you can. The second is to cancel, making sure you let them all know it’s because of the high number of drop outs (hopefully they’ll feel guilty).

Only you can decide which option works best for you. Either way, I’d distance myself from these people.

You sound like a lovely person Mycats and I’m sure you would make any guest of yours feel very welcome and appreciated. They are missing out!
But, these have been such strange times for us all for so long, perhaps that has something to do with the cancellations. Try not to take it to heart.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday

I hate this about get- togethers and birthday things. I just can't bear people pulling out last minute and that feeling of being unpopular, even though if it was s normal night I'd love to sit and chat with 3 friends. I tend to fo a few separate things, drag it out a bit and see friends in small groups instead of relying on everyone I know being able to make the 1 date, but that doesn't always work either. I wish it was easier. I have my 40th coming up and I don't think I will fo anything

It was my 40th many years ago . Because most of my friends had little people I just left it as a free for all …but that was in August so easier to organise. Just enjoy your birthday and don’t worry…at least you can celebrate…my son had his 21st last year and actually couldn’t share his celebration with anyone 😔

*DO not fo!

Did they cancel or just say no? That’s different I think. For what it’s worth, I’ve not caught Covid yet and really don’t want to. I would have said no, but made up an excuse so you didn’t feel judged by me for having a party at this time/you wouldn’t think I was being paranoid.
I’m not going to any parties or social gatherings at the moment for this reason, but when I respond to the invitation I obviously don’t say: “oh wow, you’re having a party? That’s a bad idea” because that would be rude and the person clearly doesn’t share my opinion about this. I feel like it could be that.
Fwiw, I had my last baby at 39, and she woke between 9-12 times per night for almost 10 months straight. I didn’t go to the 40ths of two long term friends who I adored during that time. I was literally not safe to drive there. It was a horrendous time. I did nothing but sleep when I could and take care of the baby.
It might have seemed like an excuse, but it really wasn’t. I would have loved to have gone and was very sorry to miss it. So don’t assume it’s anything to do with your worth to them; it’s so much more likely to be nothing to do with you. I know it’s hard but I still think it sounds like a great group.

Too soon. It sounds like a great group, you’ll
look fabulous and have a great time!
My 40th was cancelled completely due to Covid. I still got dressed up and had my cake.

Do you have any family such as cousins that could make it? To be fair I don’t even have 3 friends to celebrate my birthday so just make the most of it. You have husband and 3 friends so don’t let cancellations put you down. I wouldn’t cancel for a friends special birthday and I would do my best to make sure I’d be there. I’ve learnt other people are not the same and only care about their own special circle of friends. Reminds me of when I wanted to celebrate my 21st with my friends but they didn’t want to. But for their own they did things with their other ‘closer’ friends. I think people are so flakey these days.

Also I would suggest perhaps doing something special with your husband like a spa break, afternoon tea, weekend away etc to celebrate.

That's really shitty. I know how you feel as I have an early December birthday which people always flake on (hungover, it's the work Xmas party that day, skint etc.) Some years I just don't bother, but a 40th is special. Why not spend the money doing something really fun with your DP if you have one? A night away, spa, some kind of 'experiance' type of thing
I don't know you but happy birthday from me!

You know what? It sucks. It really does. People who would have been there can't be there and you know why.

So there's a. space opening up in your life and who knows what will fill it?

I say go, have a good time with the friends who show, and embrace the space. Do something with it