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Original poster

Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

189 replies

Mycatsgoldtooth · 22/01/2022 22:53

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 23/01/2022 08:33

You will have an amazing time! For my 50th there was only three of us and it was brilliant! Its quality not quantity.

MakeUsACuppa · 23/01/2022 08:34

I totally get it OP, people are crap.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/01/2022 08:39

Tbh I'm not surprised, I wouldn't go to a party at the moment and none of my friends would either. I do know someone who went to one last week and half of them went down with Covid afterwards. Most people who had get togethers at Christmas with family then got covid,I know more people with it than not at the moment. It's probably just that and people are twitchy and have pulled out. I had my 50th in lockdown!

LaBelleSausage · 23/01/2022 08:40

I'm so sorry @Mycatsgoldtooth, this is horrid.

I always feel sorry for people with birthdays this time of year as it seems to happen to them time and time again. It's definitely not you.

My son has a friend who is having a 4th birthday party next weekend and the poor mum is having an absolute nightmare with people not responding/committing, saying they will see how they feel on the day/with the covid risk etc etc and the poor mum is trying to cater!

Definitely hold your head up, go out, look gorgeous and get champagne for the table. You can still make it special.

Lovemusic33 · 23/01/2022 08:42

I wish I had 3 friends for my birthday celebrations 😬. Yes it’s a bit annoying that people have pulled out but just go out with the 3 that want to go and make the most of it. I think many people have become unsociable since covid.

SunflowerTed · 23/01/2022 08:48

If they were true friends then they should be there! There are no excuses really as if they’ve had babies I’m sure the dads could manage for a couple of hours. Think you need to re-think your friendship group! I hope you have a nice evening with the people who really care x

SunflowerTed · 23/01/2022 08:50

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

She has booked a table in a restaurant!!!!! It’s not a big party

Original poster

Mycatsgoldtooth · 23/01/2022 08:51

Wow just checked this and so surprised by all the lovely messages - thank you so much
So sorry to everyone who has had people not turn up, some of these were really awful to read. I can’t believe how rude some people are, especially the 18ths and 21st when it’s such a sensitive time.
To answer questions - I was paying for alcohol and cake, mains are about £10 and it’s on the tube so wouldn’t have been an expensive night. The table is outside under heaters so ventilation was thought of and the people invited aren’t really vulnerable or particularly fussed about covid as we all had Omicron before Xmas.
Babies - I’ve got a 9 month old so I really get it, I said to everyone I completely understand if you can’t come due to not wanting to leave babies when I invited them. I do remeber popping in to a mates 50th for an hour six weeks after my second child and it was hard but my friend was so grateful. Really glad it did after reading this thread.
Friend travelling from outside of London I also said I understand it’s a bit if a mission and booked the table earlier then I would have normally so she could get a train at ten ish and be home a reasonable time.
Mostly if people had just said when I invited them they weren’t really up to it or able then I would have just gone away with DH.
So much good advice on this thread. I’m going to have a small dinner and I’m sure it will be lovely. An odd people combination but maybe the unexpected group will have fun.

But gawd, lesson learnt. I’m never organising anything again.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 23/01/2022 08:53

So they are all legitimate reasons. Your friend can't turn down a job, and if others have childcare issues that's reasonable. Just go with the ones that can come and have a wonderful meal

DedalusBloom · 23/01/2022 08:54

Most people ( and I include some of my dearest friends in this) are rude thoughtless dicks sometimes.

My 50th was in the first lockdown and 51st in the second, so Ive been relieved of the duty of organising anything and can now let it go and not bother. At the time ( I have an early March birthday so in 2020 was trying to get something organised before lockdown was really something people were thinking about) I got really despondent as I knew a large proportion of people would flake out.

I've got a group of very dear friends who have no problem turning up for a pre arranged pizza on a Wednesday night without cancelling, but show them a big night out and the cancellations start flying in. It's so dispiriting and it's put me off bothering with anything like this again. I should add it's not through social anxiety on their part, as they all have parties themselves ( which I manage to attend without cancelling!)

Last year my husband and I had a house party - I invited 12 of my friends and partners. Two came, after all had initially accepted. Luckily a lot of my husbands friends came and we had neighbours and family to bulk it out a bit but it felt a bit flat ( for me, anyway!)

Only you know what you would be happier doing. If you do want to re book I would send an email/text making it clear that you really want to see them and are rebooking "as unfortunately so many of you couldn't make X date" which puts the onus on them to commit properly this time, as flaking out a second time is beyond shit ( and if they do, there's your answer unfortunately.)

DedalusBloom · 23/01/2022 08:56

Sorry, cross post and seen you're going with a small party. I hope you have a lovely time ( I'm sure you will!)

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/01/2022 08:56

She has booked a table in a restaurant!!!!! It’s not a big party

Thay will teach me to skim read before I've had a coffee

So they are all legitimate reasons. Your friend can't turn down a job, and if others have childcare issues that's reasonable. Just go with the ones that can come and have a wonderful meal

This!

felulageller · 23/01/2022 08:58

I'd try just pushing back the date. If you have cancellations again just don't bother and do a family thing

mamaoffourdc · 23/01/2022 09:07

I think I would cancel and go somewhere fancier just you and your hubby xx

Figgygal · 23/01/2022 09:07

I had a lockdown 40th so avoided this but i get the hurt
Do plan something else op if you dont got for dinner

Palaver1 · 23/01/2022 09:14

Its just risky having a party in the current climate.
Covids stopped a colleagues party I did warn her and told her I was not going to attend if cases kept on rising. Most cancellation were due to positive cases .
Shes postponed it to spring time very fortunate the restaurant were accommodating.
Chin up whatever the case

SunflowerTed · 23/01/2022 09:14

@Mycatsgoldtooth

Wow just checked this and so surprised by all the lovely messages - thank you so much

So sorry to everyone who has had people not turn up, some of these were really awful to read. I can’t believe how rude some people are, especially the 18ths and 21st when it’s such a sensitive time. To answer questions - I was paying for alcohol and cake, mains are about £10 and it’s on the tube so wouldn’t have been an expensive night. The table is outside under heaters so ventilation was thought of and the people invited aren’t really vulnerable or particularly fussed about covid as we all had Omicron before Xmas. Babies - I’ve got a 9 month old so I really get it, I said to everyone I completely understand if you can’t come due to not wanting to leave babies when I invited them. I do remeber popping in to a mates 50th for an hour six weeks after my second child and it was hard but my friend was so grateful. Really glad it did after reading this thread. Friend travelling from outside of London I also said I understand it’s a bit if a mission and booked the table earlier then I would have normally so she could get a train at ten ish and be home a reasonable time. Mostly if people had just said when I invited them they weren’t really up to it or able then I would have just gone away with DH. So much good advice on this thread. I’m going to have a small dinner and I’m sure it will be lovely. An odd people combination but maybe the unexpected group will have fun.

But gawd, lesson learnt. I’m never organising anything again.

You are a lovely person so I think your friends are just rude and thoughtless. Next time they are saving a special party id make sure you’re otherwise engaged!! Fcuk em

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 23/01/2022 09:16

Have a memorable night out with the ones who do turn up

Small table, good food, lots of drinks

It's Covid times and childcare is tricky, accept it move on and have fun!

Am watching this space as am considering what to do for my 50th in a few months

TheHoptimist · 23/01/2022 09:17

Ooh just read it’s outside
That may be the reason
We and most people we know have we vowed no longer to eat outside under hesters as it is grim
In sumner yes but outside in January is just miserable

WitchWithoutChips · 23/01/2022 09:18

I completely understand how hurt you must feel but it does sound like the cancelling guests have legitimate reasons. Is it perhaps time to acknowledge that although a chic evening dinner may have been your preferred celebration, actually a daytime event of an elegant but more relaxed lunch where babies are invited would make it possible for your friends to be there? If so, you have a week and you could change your plans. You could go out or you could hire a caterer and host at home.

I understand that it would be disappointing to give up the lovely adult evening out but if the alternative means that your friends can be there I’d rather compromise on the event and have their company.

MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 09:31

Honestly? They are rude.
And unfortunately they are also the same people who will think it’s ok to behave like this with their dcs (saying they will come and then cancelling at the last minute because they have a better offer/can’t be bothered).

I’d be tempted to send a message to everyone saying that seeingbthat most people have now cancelled, your 40s birthday meal is now cancelled. It might, at least make them realise the effect of their actions. Maybe.

LadyWithLapdog · 23/01/2022 09:32

I wouldn't reschedule. What's to say the flaky people won't be flaky again. If you're sure of the other 3, I'd go ahead. If you're not sure, cancel.

MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 09:32

@TheHoptimist

Ooh just read it’s outside That may be the reason We and most people we know have we vowed no longer to eat outside under hesters as it is grim In sumner yes but outside in January is just miserable

Well then you don’t say YES in the first place! Or you have a chat with the OP to tell her you’re not keen on eating outside. But you don’t wait until the last minute to let her know. There is no excuse for such a crap behaviour.

MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 09:33

@LadyWithLapdog I agree. I wouldn’t reschedule something with people that flaky either…..

And it would make reconsider if the friendship is just one way etc tbh.

Twinkleylight · 23/01/2022 09:34

Flip it on its head and look at it differently, the dinner is the start of your 40th birthday celebrations. Each month arrange something special to celebrate your 40th year. These could be afternoon tea with your family, ordering posh chocs from Audrey's, haircut or going to see a show. It could involve people or it could be solo trips but you need to do something each month, big or small, to celebrate your 40th.

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