Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

[quote SmashingBIouse]@sweetbellyhigh some didn't bother making excuses but the ones that did included gigs they'd forgotten buying tickets for, didn't feel well earlier in the evening but felt better later, it was too early, and there was another party somewhere else that had free booze so they went to that one instead. It wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't all turned up for the usual club night afterwards!

I was absolutely heartbroken at the time and felt so humiliated. I didn't go out again for months after. It became a sort of running joke that I'd had a birthday party nobody turned up for.

But it did teach me an important life lesson: People can't be trusted but cake can [/quote]
Oh I think that's so awful, what selfish people. It was actually very impressive that you were organised enough to arrange your own party, just a pity your friends were not up to scratch.

I’d be disappointed too. I did a holiday to NYC for my 40th with my best friend, which was amazing. I’ll probably do similar for my 50th, it’s an old school friend and we are 3 months apart. She did arrange a few drinks for my birthday but literally only 5 people there, one being my adult son. My bday is inbetween Christmas and new year and it’s always a pain trying to arrange anything. So I don’t bother now and do my own thing. This year we went into London, nice walk along the South Bank, Five guys and an afternoon matinee of a play. Perfect. Enjoy your meal with those who come

Ah op that is so upsetting and hurtful. I would be looking for new friends personally regardless of their 'good reasons' (with the exception of bereavement, serious illness or covid) most friends would move heaven and earth to make it to a close friends's 40th. It is good information to know for the next ten years you can work on new friendships and have people that value you enough to make it to a milestone celebration.

Can you go away for the weekend (perhaps dp organises a surprise for you?) instead to avoid the embarrassment? I would be tempted to, reschedule the dinner and take it from there? Or pad it out with family and neighbours - no one will know or care. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is completely shit, but better to know now I think that they aren't worth your time. You would have seen their true colours at a different time, perhaps a bigger crisis. Adult pants on, think of a solution, it is just a birthday and one day.

Yeah, I’d make up my mind now. Go ahead with small dinner (if I felt it was going to be ok) OR cancel and book the best night out with your husband!
Happy birthday

Your best friend is moving abroad for work that weekend? Or did he/she just agree to do a job that it out of the country that weekend (and come back to the country where you live afterwards)?

OP I feel for you, I’ve always suffered with emotions like this which is why I do not plan birthday parties! My 18th was a total flop with everyone pulling out so I’ve never done it since. I’m 31 now lol. Even to my wedding I invited 6 close friends and all my family. I might seem weird but I didn’t want to feel rejected and sad on my own wedding day

I didn’t my think that taking short term jobs abroad at short notice really happened much at the moment.

The idea of a party with 90 people for a 40th birthday makes me cringe.
Smacks of a 6 year old shouting "ME ME ME"

Horrible stories here from PP with awful 'friends' who let them down

OP, don't compare yourself with the friend who has invited 90 people to her party. Some people do have larger social circles. That's no better or worse, just different

I wouldn't cancel the meal. Just change the booking and enjoy the smaller group

OP go ahead with your small dinner; it will be lovely and intimate. A meal for four sounds cosy, for me it would be preferable to a larger group.
Just lightly say that lots of people couldn’t come; in these Covid times nobody will bat an eyelid, no need to say anymore.
I hope you have a lovely evening.

Sorry to hear this, op. If the people coming don’t make a natural group of four I’d probably cancel (covid issues as an excuse) and go somewhere really lovely with your partner instead.

Can I say op that this happened to a friend of mine, they organised a marquee and so much food and wine, only two people turned up (myself included) Many cancelled on the day - you need to factor in more cancellations and be prepared for them in covid times especially. My friend was wearing a full on party dress to the floor. I felt sick and embarrassed for her, and angry with the people that didn't have the decency to show up and we did our best to make it into a good night, but honestly there was no coming back from it. It was mortifying and so so awkward, she burst into tears mid way through and we abandoned the idea and just got very drunk with her and planned a weekend away to make up for it.

No one can say now for sure they can definitely make it, you need to consider and be prepared that you may end up with even less people there if someone catches covid (or their dc) Hopefully it won't happen, but if you are at bare minimum numbers you are skating close to a disaster. I wouldn't do it, reschedule (or not!) in the summer when the others can make it, and do something else. Make it more low key with babies and children invited possibly?

Don’t bother having a party and stay 39 forever!

Oh bless you OP you sound so lovely

I can categorically say I have never arranged a party that hasn’t had a flurry of cancellations in the week before that then continue right up to an hour before. It’s soul destroying. I think people are generally less inclined to bother these days and texting makes it so easy for them to turn it down.
One Xmas party a few years ago for which I had a caterer in etc went from 40 acceptances to only 10 coming. We had a great night, ate a ton and all filled our freezers!

People are rude. It hurts but sod them. Have a great night- it only takes two to have a party at the end of the day. Wear your new outfit and toast absent ‘friends’!!

Ah that’s rubbish OP. I was 50 recently and so think about having a big party. I didn’t bother as I knew I would be upset if people didn’t come

My 40th was last year. Friends had pushed for months before getting me to organise a party. Which I did, and then the cancellations started.
I ended up cancelling the party about a month before. Went out for a meal with dh and dc instead and did a spa day instead.
Hope you have a happy birthday

If you invite 90 though, you stand a very good chance of getting at least 40 there, enough to feel the room at least. Therefore minimising the chance of a disaster speakout Adult parties are a minefield, I once went to a great party - and 3/4 left half way through to go to another one! So rude. Been to other parties that were classified as rubbish as no one danced. I can't bring myself to ever have one after the comments I have heard about cheap wine/terrible music/host was drunk etc

If you want to know who your true friends are then throw a party! My OH ruthlessly dropped "friends" after no shows at her 40th. Needless to say she didn't have a party for her 50th!

Wear the beautiful outfit and have a fantastic time. It’s quality over quantity for me. I had ‘friends’ coming out of my ears in my 20s, it was never been a struggle getting people to want to hang around with me… I have about 3 now! do I care- NO!

I had a dinner party for 20 and someone pulled out an hour before because they felt sniffly. Seriously.

If you want to know who your true friends are then throw a party!

So so true!

I had a really shit 40th, husband didn't bother, it was the beginning of the end.

Anyway, pm me your address I would like to send you a card xx

Make your smaller dinner party fabulous- push the boat out, spoil everyone that goes. Loads of champagne, flowers on the table etc. Look fabulous. Post loads of photos..

I feel for you OP x it sounds really disappointing and I would feel upset as well.
I'm glad you didn't get the MN crowd who think anyone wanting to celebrate a birthday after the age of 8 is childish. In RL most people like to mark their birthdays especially "significant" ones, and it hurts when you feel let down.
In terms of what people think, your neighbour might feel quite honoured that she is part of only a small group of people you are celebrating with.

I really wouldn't be bothering with them after this op.