Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

I invited friends out for Cocktails on my Birthday recently had about 13 coming ended up with 4 or us but we still had a great time.

Most were knocked out by various illnesses including Covid.

I say this kindly but you really need to reset your thinking on this people's behaviour around events is not a reflection of their like/dislike of you, some may have just been making excuses but I know that doesn't mean they don't like me, especially after the last few years I'm sure some people are struggling to be social, I know I get nervous & anxious about anything like that now which is ridiculous as I'm quite blasé about Covid it more the lack of socialising I've forgotten how to!

@MrsPotatoHead22

Quality over quantity any day. the so called friends that cancelled don't matter because you don't matter to them enough for them to sort out their own shit for one night so that you can all celebrate your big birthday. Time to narrow down your friendship group - what a perfect time heading into a whole new decade.

Beautifully put. Instead of allowing those negative thoughts to swim freely in you head, use the time to think what you would like to have achieved by the time you are 50. If you usually prioritise the people who cancelled maybe stop doing that in the future. Make your forties the decade of not people pleasing.Its very freeing Op. Give it a try .Have a lovely birthday 🎂 🥳

Ah OP thats shit

I'd be calling them out to be honest. If they had agreed to go and now pulled out its selfish beyond words

I went to a wedding 10 days after dd (breastfed) because id agreed it - life doesnt stop because someone has a baby. So selfish.

People are thoughtless but unless you tell them how disappointed you are they carry on oblivious. Child care issues etc can all be planned in advance and given you know already, its not like thier child care pulled out on the day.

Parents using babies as an excuse need to get a grip . Im annoyed for you, it just screams that they cant be arsed.

@Twinkleylight

Flip it on its head and look at it differently, the dinner is the start of your 40th birthday celebrations. Each month arrange something special to celebrate your 40th year. These could be afternoon tea with your family, ordering posh chocs from Audrey's, haircut or going to see a show. It could involve people or it could be solo trips but you need to do something each month, big or small, to celebrate your 40th.

I like this. My husband is 60 soon. I am going to suggest we do this. Lovely idea

I like the idea of doing more celebrations throughout the year. I wish I had done that. I was 40 in the middle of the first lockdown. Still haven't really had a party or anything.

Definitely don't cancel.
Besides less people = more cake

Poor you. This would really hack me off. I hate flaky people. I refuse to have flaky friends.

OP that sucks, sorry you find yourself in this position. My 40th is coming up and I only plan to ask three good friends for a lunch or dinner to celebrate it. They are the ones I feel I can count on. Don’t mean to attend my birthday as such but generally, that they care about me and so on. Honestly several friends have disappeared in the past few years and don’t even want to try and invite them, as surely it would sting when they just wouldn’t care to come. I want to keep it completely stress free.

My 40th was a family party at home and DH took me away for a surprise weekend. I would never pin my hopes on people I can’t trust 100%.
Have a lovely meal with the smaller group, splash out a bit more as there are fewer of you.

Hey OP, last time I tried to organise a dinner out for birthday this happened. Ended up being 5 of us including me and my husband and it was actually a wonderful night. Quality not quantity! I learnt my lesson though and for my 40th I’ve already said I just want to go away with my husband, sister and BiL for a grown up city break abroad. Thankfully this will happen if there isn’t another pandemic!

I’m really really sorry
That’s rotten luck op
I’m assuming this is bad luck and
Flaky mates more than ‘no one cares’

These things hurt and sting xxxx

I think that is utterly selfish of your friends, but if it makes you feel any better, the exact thing happened to a friend of mine recently. She had gone to great trouble and expense for her own 40th party and then in the days running up to it, she was texting me because she was upset at the number of cancellations she was receiving. I haven’t known her all that long but one of my children is friends with her child. We were invited to her party which we thought was very sweet.

My view is that once you have accepted an invitation to something, you show up, simple as that, unless some major event stops you. Uk that’s it, just show up. We weren’t even close friends but Zia wouldn’t have considered letting her down. I think the cancellations say more about the character of the people than they do about what they feel about you. I do think that around the age of 40 you do get a better feel for quality over quantity. My 40th was 7 years ago and several of the people that came to my do I have completely lost touch with now!

I’m sorry your feelings have been hurt, but in the nicest possible, f**k em and focus on the people that are present and there for you. I would rather have fewer friends that are quality and reliable than loads of flakes.

And Happy Birthday!

If you usually have enough friends for a party then I’m impressed. The only time I’ve had a wide mix of friends at anything was my wedding and my mums funeral!

You are not unreasonable to feel miserable about it though, birthdays often make people feel that way in general.

The best thing to do is just have a great time anyway and celebrate with those who can make it.

It’s been a mad few years and many are still in a state of flux trying to recover or survive.

You mentioned your friend taking a job abroad, unfortunately things are very tight for many at the moment and will only get worse. Is it possible your friend has a precarious financial situation and has taken the job out of necessity. She might not have told anyone if there is an element of keeping up with your friendship group.

@MakkaPakkas

That's really shitty. I know how you feel as I have an early December birthday which people always flake on (hungover, it's the work Xmas party that day, skint etc.) Some years I just don't bother, but a 40th is special. Why not spend the money doing something really fun with your DP if you have one? A night away, spa, some kind of 'experiance' type of thing I don't know you but happy birthday from me!

I agree with this, cancel and spend the money doing something more special with your DH. I hope you feel better knowing that so many others are in similar boats

Try not to take it personally OP, throwing a party is always a gamble as sometimes people will have various reasons why they'd prefer not to go (as I bet you do too at times) They think that there are so many others going it won't matter if they drop out. Sometimes, very unluckily lots of people think this about the same party. Just as other times, for whatever reason, it falls right for people, they're up for it, and you get a full house. It's nothing to do with your popularity, it's just the nature of the thing. Personally my ego isn't sufficiently robust to risk throwing a party!

I’m so sorry that so many people have cancelled. I do understand having young children can make it hard to socialise as I have two myself. However I also think people use their children and childcare as an excuse too often. It’s not like you’ve organised a last minute rave. Oh well, their loss!

I’m sure your partner and family will have something lovely planned too so please don’t feel disappointed. Have a wonderful 40th!

focus on those who could be there, and not those who could not

This is good advice. Forget about the flakes.

I'm also 40 this year and I've had so many people ask if I'm having a party and then look surprised when I say no for exactly this reason!

People are flakey as shit and I know a lot of people would end up pulling out. For this reason I plan to organise 3 separate things, family get together, night away with DH and dinner with small group of friends.

I'm so sorry OP, you must feel so let down. I hope you have a lovely evening whatever you do

Oh no, how rubbish for you. I completely get this though. My 50th was a bit of a let down. It's strange how things change. I had big parties for my 18th and 21st and loads of people turned up! I'd be scared to have a party now. I think our wedding was the last and final big bash I would have.

Sounds like you've told the three that lots of people have cancelled (which I was going to advise). Just get yourself dolled up, have a few drinks and have a nice time.

Do you think it's time to let a few of these people go? I tend to review friendships when things like this happen. Maybe step back and see what these friends who cancelled do/whether they contact you.

@GrandRapids

I'm also 40 this year and I've had so many people ask if I'm having a party and then look surprised when I say no for exactly this reason!

People are flakey as shit and I know a lot of people would end up pulling out. For this reason I plan to organise 3 separate things, family get together, night away with DH and dinner with small group of friends.

I'm so sorry OP, you must feel so let down. I hope you have a lovely evening whatever you do

This is good advice. Organise a few things rather than one big event and if you have a few friends then meet them separately.

Never thought of that!

Cancel and invite them round for dinner (takeaway if needed)
Will have better alcohol for a fraction of the cost and be warmer,

@TheHoptimist

Cancel and invite them round for dinner (takeaway if needed) Will have better alcohol for a fraction of the cost and be warmer,

Actually that's a nice idea, so you 4 can still celebrate nicely but it won't feel like second best.

I’m anticipating being in a similar position. DH and I are both 40 this year, 2 months apart. Asked 3 couples to arrange date for meal at the mid point between to celebrate. So far one has responded.

The others give it the big talk about spending more time together now COVID restrictions are lifting but the reality is we are clearly just not a priority 🤷🏻‍♀️

And don’t get me started on our families who only ever do something if it’s on their terms and involves us travelling to them.

We’ve done something wrong somewhere…

At my 18th I had nothing because my friends said they weren't 'allowed' to go out twice in the month.
For my 21st nothing either and a friend from Sweden said 'at least it's not an important one'.
For my 40th, still didn't have a big party, but had a few small ones and they were OK to be honest.
I'm really sorry it's not the big party you were hoping for, but a small thing can still be nice. Maybe you can do something bigger next year, doesn't have to be on the 0 year.

@WitchWithoutChips

I completely understand how hurt you must feel but it does sound like the cancelling guests have legitimate reasons. Is it perhaps time to acknowledge that although a chic evening dinner may have been your preferred celebration, actually a daytime event of an elegant but more relaxed lunch where babies are invited would make it possible for your friends to be there? If so, you have a week and you could change your plans. You could go out or you could hire a caterer and host at home.

I understand that it would be disappointing to give up the lovely adult evening out but if the alternative means that your friends can be there I’d rather compromise on the event and have their company.

I'm sorry that you're so disappointed OP but I agree with this. I'm 40 this year, as are lots of my friends. None of us are planning adult-only evening events because that's not practical at the moment. My closest friends and I are going away together for a weekend to celebrate jointly and then any meals / parties / celebrations are happening during daytimes so that families can come too. Sure, a proper grown-up evening in a very lovely restaurant would be wonderful but as it's not a possibility for my friends it's not an option right now. I don't really understand why you went for an evening event when it sounds like you are in similar circumstances. As this pp has said you have time to change your plans and then even those friends who have had babies very recently might be able to come too.