Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

[MrsPotatoHead22]

Quality over quantity any day. the so called friends that cancelled don't matter because you don't matter to them enough for them to sort out their own shit for one night so that you can all celebrate your big birthday. Time to narrow down your friendship group - what a perfect time heading into a whole new decade.

[sammyjoanne]

Depends on the excuses they give whether its a bit flaky or not. Maybe the real truth on some is they over spent on christmas and cant afford it and a bit embarassed to say?

[Youcansaythatagainandagain]

This is why I’d never organise anything for myself - birthdays, work leaving events, summer bbqs.

That said these days I’d be really pushed to find three friends to invite.
Don’t cancel OP. Imagine how the friends who have accepted will feel if you pull out saying they aren’t ‘enough’ and imagine if you rescheduled and the others pulled out again or went out of guilt/obligation?
Go with your original plan and enjoy the company of those who turn up.

[GrumpyPanda]

That sucks. Reminds me of a friend of mine in grad school who got together with his girlfriend of several years after he was the only guest to show up for her birthday

[MrsBerthaRochester]

This is one of reasons I didnt have a 40th. I have loads of folk who say they are my friends but only one person I can absolutely rely on. Bf of 34 years.
When it was her big birthday she invited 25 people to a meal and 5 of us turned up. I wasnt risking that kind of humilation.
Honestly op if it were me I would just have a lovely evening with your dh and I would reevaluate these friendships.

[MrsPotatoHead22]

@GrumpyPanda

That sucks. Reminds me of a friend of mine in grad school who got together with his girlfriend of several years after he was the only guest to show up for her birthday

Aww. ❤

[MrsBerthaRochester]

Actually thinking about it all my big birthdays have been shit!
21 my mum was in a huge mood with me and deliberately bought me something I didnt want. I had no money to go out and party with friends.
30th I had found out a few days before that dh(now x) had cheated and I found out because it was in a national newspaper. My sister and friend took me for lunch anyway.
And I just remembered on my 40th my bf didnt get me so much as a card or even a phone call.
I think big birthdays should be banned!!

[Melroses]

I usually hide under a rock for birthdays.

I have a lovely friend who is always organising parties where people keep flaking out - good food, good company - she doesn't let it put her off. I took my brother over at Christmas and he loved them. We have come to the conclusion we just live amongst antisocial people.

[PepInYourStep]

I really feel for you on this one, it's such a shame for you.

One thing I am wondering though is why, if you have lots of friends who've recently had babies, you didn't decide to do something baby-friendly at a suitable time of day, having asked them all what might work and come to a general consensus? (Instead of, or as well as the meal.)

Before anyone says, of course some people with small babies will come out for a dinner, if they are bottlefeeding or expressing and have someone to take over, or bringing the baby with them, but not all will, and we're living in strange times Covidwise too of course.

The person with 90 friends coming, well, I've observed that some people do have a bigger family or social circle who are more into parties, and that's the way it is. Whether they are actually having a better time than you will do, or whether have very close confidantes when they need them, I don't know. Probably depends on the person.

I am sure that you can have a lovely meal with the 4 of you. Happy birthday.

[Italiangreyhound]

OP assuming these are genuine cancellations then I would not worry too much. You have three good friends who can come and maybe other good friends who genuinely cannot make it.

Your friend with her large group is probably not very good friends with so many people, it's hard to be good friends with a big group.

When I had an event some people could not make it and a friend urged me to focus on those who could be there, and not those who could not.

Anyway, enjoy your birthday.

[danascully96]

You have every right to feel let down. I would say as much to your friends who cancelled. You deserve much better treatment from people who say they care about you. However, I’ve found that have a small circle of loved ones can be powerful ❤️

[danascully96]

Having*

[astorsback]

I suspect that people cant afford it. A few days before pay day, you've got the cost of an outfit, presents, card, alcohol, meal, taxi there and back.

Added to that you've got Covid plus it's January, dark and cold.

[MildlyMiserable]

Don’t penalise yourself or the guests that do want to have a celebration, go and enjoy yourselves, thank the others for letting you know they won’t be in attendance and forget about them, at least until after you’ve partied!!

[waterrat]

Hi op I'm a v friendly outgoing person like you and I had several cancellations for my 40th ! (Pre pandemic ). I was in tears and knots of anxiety. I had hired a room in a pub and was so stressed thst it would look pathetic if not enough people came.

Very similar reasons people said their kid was sick ..lots if childcare reasons. I'm sorry. People are selfish. Even my brother I'm really close to cancelled on thr day over a sick child. I think 40 is an age where a lot of your friends will have childcare issues.

I don't know what to say except it's not personal to you and I get it totally sucks. I 100 0er cent guarantee thst there will be many cancellations to the 90 person party too.

Go and enjoy your meal with the people who showed up for you.

[waterrat]

Just to add . A couple of not even close friends ended up turning up early cheering me up and being the life and soul on my 40th so I wouldn't cancel those who are coming.. you never know how fun it will be.

Another possibility is send an honest message and say how much it means to yoi and see if they pull themselves together

[Cantleave]

Similar happened with my niece’s 21st Birthday. She had attended all her friend’s birthdays, but when hers came along only 1 friend came and she only popped in for an hour, before heading off to work. Her parents had arranged the party at a nice hotel and they had a band and put on a big buffet expecting 60 - 70 guests, but it ended up just family there, so less than 30. She was so upset, especially when she found out that most of them had went to another person’s party (she wasn’t invited) on the same night!

[SelkieQualia]

TBH, OP, 40th birthdays tend to be pretty awful. Professional entertainers /event planners hate them. People have young kids and are often in a career stage that takes a lot of grind.

Just make the best of it, and wait for your 50th. 50ths are fun.

[GiantHaystacks2021]

I'd probably cancel the whole thing.

My friends at this time were all equally flakey.
Thus, I outmanoeuvred any potential horseshit and one upmanship by going long haul abroad to a very, very lovely destination for my 40th -without inviting any of them.
But it was pre-pandemic and very easy to travel at that time.

At an earlier date, they had been all talk about going to Marrakesh for one of their 40ths.
Never happened. All too flakey to actually sort it.

[Dobz]

No one gave me a hen party, even tho the bridesmaids were my sister and future sister in law. Went to pub with my mum and Dad. I was understadly upset when I saw them!

[FridaRose]

I had just two friends on my bday this year (my best friend, her husband) and my DP.
We had a lovely night at a good restaurant and plenty of laughs, it was a great night and memorable.

I didn't feel inadequate, and not to sound cringey, but I was grateful to have my other half with me, and a close friend of 10 years. What more could I want?
I'll choose that over a 35th bday party without having a loving partner and attended by 30 lukewarm friends.

I hope you went OP! And had a nice intimate dinner - what's wrong with that?

[Feelf4you]

Hi OP you are within your own right to feel a lil down, the newly mind I hope have had newborns or maybe see still breastfeeding so still being tied down...as for your best friend I wouldn't be too hard on as she'll be out the country so she got no choice of attending in the evening even if she wanted. And as for reassurance you go and have a lovely time! You don't need numbers to feel you qualify for a meal! If I do go out with friends it's usually the 4 of us and that makes my day!.. I have. Bff yes I'm 40+ and will both happily have and gone out for our birthday meals just two of us and nothing wrong with that! Quality catch up time what more can you ask for! I would take a smaller cake and have your original cake in the boot as back up incase the newly mums can make it! Don't think too much of it I know as being the 40th birthday you might feel disheartened. Seems to me they seem genuine enough. Hope you have an amazing time don't cancel go and enjoy yourself have a lovely meal and some yummy cake! X
P.s You have a lovely neighbour which are hard to find! Keep us updated how it went if you can if this forum stays open if works that way

[nzeire]

Go Anyhows! Drink champagne, eat cake, wear dress! Get through the night with style and grace. You sound lovely.
Start planning your 41st… a weekend away somewhere special.
Xx

[sweetbellyhigh]

There's something about 40th birthdays that seem to curse them. Is it a very self-centred part of our lives? I know so many people who have had this happen on their 40ths, like at this age people are horribly self absorbed or something.

I don't know but it isn't just you.