Everyone cancelled coming to my 40th

[Mycatsgoldtooth]

Arranged a lovely low key 40th, dinner at a place my friendship group have always gone to, not expensive but chic. Have everyone plenty of notice. Bought outfit, husband arranged a cake. Was really excited. It’s next weekend.
I have had 6 cancellations today, leaving me with three guests. I already had a few people who wouldn’t be attending due to recently having babies. One if the women I’ve invited is having a party in a month and she’s hired a hall and has about 90 people coming, and the comparison stings.
It’s left me feeling really emotional, like I don’t have any real friends to celebrate with me. I feel like a kid at school and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. I’m content with my family and small group of good friends but this seems to have opened up some tricky emotions around how I’m valued by the people in my life.
How can I pull myself out if this funk, it’s cast such a pall on the birthday.

This would upset me. I'm sorry.

@YippieKayakOtherBuckets but would you have said yes only to cancel at the last minute though?

If that was the issue, surely, the friends would have said ‘no sorry but this will be too hard to organise with dc’ blablabla
Or they’ve have found a reason to say they weren’t available and wished her a nice evening if they really didn’t like the idea.

Thé issue here is to say YES and then being flaky and cancelling at the last moment. THIS is the rude part of the saying NO.
Plus of course, if this was clearly not a good idea because no one was sharing the wish of having a posh dinner, the OP would have known earlier on and could have organised something more suitable….

[quote MananaTomorrow]@YippieKayakOtherBuckets but would you have said yes only to cancel at the last minute though?

If that was the issue, surely, the friends would have said ‘no sorry but this will be too hard to organise with dc’ blablabla
Or they’ve have found a reason to say they weren’t available and wished her a nice evening if they really didn’t like the idea.

Thé issue here is to say YES and then being flaky and cancelling at the last moment. THIS is the rude part of the saying NO.
Plus of course, if this was clearly not a good idea because no one was sharing the wish of having a posh dinner, the OP would have known earlier on and could have organised something more suitable….[/quote]
I don't know why you're shouting at me.

I would not have accepted the invitation, no. I agree that the friends have been very rude.

But OP mentioned that the nature of the event meant that there were a few friends who had already declined their invitations, having recently had babies. I'm suggesting that if OP wanted she could change the celebration to a daytime event. Presumably she already has a babysitter for next Saturday so just she and DH could go for the nice meal. It was just a thought as she and her friends seem to be at a similar life stage to me and mine.

I think it's entirely normal to feel a touch of social anxiety about these things but once you push through, you generally have a lovely time. I think a combination of the pandemic and the ease of contacting people without needing to speak to them means flaking is at an all time high.

I'm sure it's not you, op. You sound lovely.

My 18th, 21st and 30th were great. My 40th was a total shambles. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Even the bloody car broke down that day and cost me a fortune. For my 50th I plan on being abroad somewhere lovely with dp and opting out of everything else.

The reason I didn’t do a day thing is I don’t want to be parenting my three kids all day, one has ASD and is pretty high needs in groups. I’d feel a bit if a cow having a day thing with other people’s kids and not mine. Also there are a few people who are very child free by choice who would find the idea of a party with kids horrific. Funnily enough they are the people who haven’t cancelled.
I’ve a few friends with teeny babies I messaged saying “having a dinner but haven’t even invited you as I know you’ll be too swamped but would obviously loved to have you there if you weren’t in the tiny baby zone”
I’ve had a few replies today saying oh could we reschedule from cancellations, but I’ll stick with the planned dinner but smaller numbers.

Yep feeling guilty when they realised they left you in the shit because everyone had decided to be as rude as they were….

Tbh I wouldnt trust them not to be flaky again.

I hope you have a nice evening @Mycatsgoldtooth!!

I have a big birthday coming up next week and both siblings have just booked a holiday away together they have form for forgetting my birthday but God forbid I forget theirs!. Definitely no surprise invitation in the offing. My BF is recovering from COVID, DH and DC will be working. I'm feeling very unappreciated and sorry for myself so I've booked 2 days in a spa hotel!

I wonder whether some people cancelled because it’s outside? I’m totally over sitting in the freezing cold tbh and really think twice about accepting these invitations now.

But they could have said no in the first place if that was a problem I guess.

I hope you have a lovely time whatever happens.

It’s not cold where I’ve booked despite being outside- I bloody hate the cold. It’s a awning with loads of heaters most of the cancellations have been before and sat there. It’s warm enough for my party dress to be shoulder-less. Always went there and sat outside pre-covid too as it’s a fun spot to watch people
Gosh so many people sharing their crappy happy birthdays, hugs to all.
Thank you for all the perspectives on this thread, it’s been so helpful

Op that’s rubbish💐 .. enjoy your good friends and do something really lovely and close with them…. Life shows you things; your about to turn 40 into a new stage of life- time for a friendship cull. I did this years and years ago with friends who didn’t bother for a birthday party I had invited them to. Afterwards I just never made any effort to text them and unsurprisingly discovered the friendships were never really there in the first place xx

When people show you who they are, believe them.

I’m 50 and your 40s really are your prime, especially the first half. Please don’t waste time on this. Doesn’t mean you have to de friend but you can mentally relegate them. It’s a reflection on them, not you. I’d love to come to your do!

Sending hugs
This is why I have told everyone I just want a low key 40th. The pain from people cancelling has happened on lots of other birthdays so forget this one.
I hope that you have a wonderful day despite this

@Mycatsgoldtooth

It’s not cold where I’ve booked despite being outside- I bloody hate the cold. It’s a awning with loads of heaters most of the cancellations have been before and sat there. It’s warm enough for my party dress to be shoulder-less. Always went there and sat outside pre-covid too as it’s a fun spot to watch people Gosh so many people sharing their crappy happy birthdays, hugs to all. Thank you for all the perspectives on this thread, it’s been so helpful

Oh I wouldn't sit outside this time of the year even with heaters sorry.