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Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 20/01/2022 21:30

Why is it important to you to be married?

CanofCant · 20/01/2022 21:32

There's not a lot you can do unfortunately. You can accept he is not likely to marry you and love your life together or you can leave (easier said than done but I wouldn't waste anymore of my love or time on such a liar). Are things like wills, finances, mortgage, house deeds, etc set in your favour should he die or leave?

Sorry OP, it must be so disappointing and hurtful.

CanofCant · 20/01/2022 21:32

*live your life together

GoodnightGrandma · 20/01/2022 21:33

It is a lie. He is continuing to string you along.

Azerothi · 20/01/2022 21:35

It is you your boyfriend doesn't want to marry, and will never marry. He has been stringing you along and you have gone along with it for a quite a while.

I think your boyfriend is awful doing this to you, and, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married. Some people don't want to be a girlfriend all their lives, some want to be a wife.

GoodnightGrandma · 20/01/2022 21:35

Will he agree to double barrel the kids names, or add your surname as an extra middle name ?

PlanetNormal · 20/01/2022 21:36

Why are you so hung up on being married?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/01/2022 21:38

@PlanetNormal

Why are you so hung up on being married?
Maybe something to do with the legal and financial protections it gives her and their children?
Ginger1982 · 20/01/2022 21:40

There are so many stories on here like yours. It's so depressing. You'll have to give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through if he won't comply.

CoastalWave · 20/01/2022 21:42

Ok. Just being honest. He doesn't want to get married - to you.

This was my ex.

He's now married by the way - to the woman he went out with after me !

So you either decide to keep things as they are OR you have to leave. But just brace yourself for him getting married after you.

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 20/01/2022 21:42

Least romantic person in the world here. Still want to get married- it's a huge commitment that can only be dissolved by court order. A legally binding contract. You have to want to enter in to this with eyes open and aware of what you are doing. You are literally joining together.

Starseeking · 20/01/2022 21:44

OP he doesn't want to marry you. Nothing you do or say will change that.

If you feel the relationship is a wonderful one despite not getting married, I'd find a way to make my peace with that, and live a happy life together.

If there are other occasions where he says, and does not do, I'd be quietly making plans to leave (I did that with 2 DC in tow, 1 DC with additional needs).

RandomMess · 20/01/2022 21:49

Are you financially protected? Is your pension pit as large as his? If not you need to get it sorted that family money starts paying into it.

RogersVideo · 20/01/2022 21:55

I also believe he does not want to marry you. Unfortunately you've already gone all in with him, having a house and kids, which makes your choices that much more difficult.

At this point, if I were you I would present marriage quite factually - these are the legal benefits to us getting married: becoming next of kin, pensions and assets moved to other spouse upon death, etc (Google all the actual legal benefits). Lets make an appointment at the registry office in a couple days. Also do wills if you haven't yet. It's all sensible grown up stuff that needs to be sorted as you have children together. Tell him its important to you that you and the children are protected.

Babdoc · 20/01/2022 22:01

OP, do you rent or have a mortgage? Are you on the tenancy agreement/title deeds? Do you have life assurance for both of you?
Are you a sahm or do you have any income of your own?
Because if you are not married, and are not listed as tenant or joint mortgagee, you have no security or financial claim whatever if your partner decides to trade you in for a younger model. And that is why he has not married you, and why it is utterly unwise to have children with such men.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2022 22:03

Why would he bother?
He already has a partner, house, kids.
Personally unless I was planning to be a single mum I wouldn't have had the kids before marriage, you would be much better off married generally him not so much so he doesn't want to.
However, I think you deserve not to be stung along along l;ike a fool - I'd want a definitive answer yes or no and if I didn't get it I'd leave.

Original poster
Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 22:04

Thank you for all the comments. The house is ours. We are the owners equally 50/50. We are still paying mortgage. It goes out from his account as I'm buying all the shoppings kids clothes ect. Not sure if in the event of splitting up all the monthly payments so far are going to go to his pocket or am I getting half? In case of one of us dies (as we don't have a will ) what's gonna happen to his share of the house? Also, what's about kids surnames? He doesn't want dbl barrel as what he is saying there's no pout as we gonna get married lol. So that's some of the reasons why I'd like to sign 1 document of marriage instead of 50 documents of protecting myself in the future "just in case". There are other " romantic " reasons too. I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 70yrs old and ask my "boyfriend" age of 70 to make me a cup of tea and a biscuits. I want to be called wife. I'm getting older each year. I won't find myself to feel good enough in this white dress with my white grey soon hair if u know what I mean. I want to feel complete. I'm not 100%happy with that. Of course, our relationship is not perfect. But we hardly argue. We are good together. If i leave him then my kids going to have worse life as we have great house good neighbourhood school ect. We are not going to have all that . Council houses are much less from being perfect incl. everything else. So im stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 22:13

When we got together I told him I only want serious man who wants kids and marriage ect. He said yes. So I didn't want to pressure him so we got kids but then thought it's out plan it's pretty obvious that next step is marriage. But noth8ng has happened.

I'm his next to kin.
I only got basic pension from part time work.
He gets full time work pension also life insurance.
We don't have will.
I don't want to think about all that stuff. It's too much to sign to make sure I'll be ok just in case.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 20/01/2022 22:39

You need to be paying the mortgage from a joint account. Without being married he can claim that he’s been paying the mortgage by himself the whole time and so any equity you’ve built up in the house could be awarded to him if you split.

He knows what he’s doing. He’s a shit.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 22:41

He is stringing you along. He doesn't want to deal with the consequences of being married should you divorce.

RoyKentsChestHair · 20/01/2022 22:41

I don't want to think about all that stuff. It's too much to sign to make sure I'll be ok just in case

Are you named as his beneficiary on the life insurance? You say you’re his next of kin, but legally you’re not.

RandomMess · 20/01/2022 22:42

Valentines Day propose to him.

I think it's the only way to know for sure.

AngelinaFibres · 20/01/2022 22:42

@Spinstermum

When we got together I told him I only want serious man who wants kids and marriage ect. He said yes. So I didn't want to pressure him so we got kids but then thought it's out plan it's pretty obvious that next step is marriage. But noth8ng has happened. I'm his next to kin. I only got basic pension from part time work. He gets full time work pension also life insurance. We don't have will. I don't want to think about all that stuff. It's too much to sign to make sure I'll be ok just in case.
You aren't his next of kin. You are not married, you don't have power if attorney, you don't have wills. I had a friend who was in your situation. Her boyfriend died. The family came to the hospital. They took over dealing with it all. She had no legal say in any of it. They didn't like her so she had no say in any the details of it. The 50% of the house that was his went to his family.
ChrissyPlummer · 20/01/2022 22:43

OP, there’s at least a thread a week on this. If you really wanted to be married then you should have insisted on it before you had kids. That was your only ‘bargaining chip’, so to speak and now there isn’t one.

Give him an ultimatum if you like, but be prepared to follow through with it.

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 22:50

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