Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

I was in a similar situation with my fiancé, so totally understand your frustrations.

i set it all out, told him I’m not willing to spend my life being someone’s girlfriend whilst he has wife benefits and I’m making compromises as if we were married. I told him I would rather be single and have everything my own way- making no compromise and be free to find someone else who wants marriage the same as me.
he had until the end of 2021 to propose - and it worked. Wedding now booked.

i must say it was easier for me as we don’t have any kids together. Im all for ultimatums - some may not agree with my approach - but sometimes I think you have to shock them into focus - make them see the consequences of their lack of action. And if you don’t get the result you want then you won’t be left wondering if marriage is ever a possibility- you will know the facts and the decision is back in your hands x

good luck! 💐

Of course he wouldn't come with me to any counsellor. So I'd have to be alone. I don't know what's the point. I can't give him a ultimatum. I know he would have then. I can't leave and start it all over with kids. It's insane.

I think I might get a private paid psychological advise or talk as my self esteem is very low now because of this because of him.

Sorry to be clear that's exactly what I meant - solo counselling for you. Joint counselling would be totally pointless as his position is already clear, he doesn't want to marry you.

I think this would be a really good idea.

Some solo counselling to help you come to terms with the reality that you aren't going to marry this man and to build back up your emotional strength so you can make a decision based on that reality.

"Let's get married"
(excuses)
"No - no more excuses thank you, let's just do the lowest cost, lowest fuss register office thing, as soon as I can book it"
(excuses)
"it's time to stop these hurtful excuses. Do you want to marry me or not? If you do, I'll get a date in the next few weeks. If you don't, be man enough to give me an honest NO."

But don't do this until you've had the lawyer meeting ONLY for you as I recommended upthread, & have your therapy in place , Because of he says no - or you cave in & accept yet more excuses from him - you are going to need legal & emotional support.

Good luck.

But he showed me an emails with this woman talking about buying a ring for me talking about all details etc. So there's no hope?

I could email someone out of Horse & Hound magazine about their advert selling a prize eventer. I could rattle on all day about the horse, the price, visiting to try the horse out ... & show you those emails.
If I'd been bullshitting you about buying a horse for 8 years, had nowhere to keep a horse & showed great reluctance to do any actual riding, would you believe me?

He's just giving you more talk, & zero action.

The only way you will find out if there is any hope is by closing him down with direct questions to which there are only YES or NO answers.

He's unlikely to marry you, for all the reasons stated by so many PP upthread.
So you either accept the shit deal he's lumbered you with status quo, or you risk setting out your stall & demanding direct answers from him & refusing excuses. Only you can decide what you want to put up with, or what you want to risk.
I am sorry, but you need to be realistic now. You may not get what you want, so YOU have to be prepared to made hard decisions, & before you do that, you need to ensure that you have legal protection in place to ensure your rights to the property etc.

I don't think you're unhappy in your relationship because he won't marry you. You're unhappy because he lied to you, duped you into having kids and committing to him by dangling marriage for all these years. If he had been honest right at the start that he didn't want to marry you, ever, would you have had kids with him/made yourself so dependent on him?

It is a big betrayal, and one he keeps manipulating you with. Absolute bull shit of him to show you emails to people about buying rings etc. If he wanted to do it, there would be a ring. Not an email about a ring. That is more of how he manipulates you.

Deep down you know your relationship was formed on his lies and that is a betrayal. He has dictated the course of your life basically and you went with it because you trusted him. He doesn't care about your wants, needs or feelings and you know that. It's like he sees you as just a vessel to have given him kids, not your own person.

You need counselling to help you see this, and realise that there can never be a happy ending for you until he grows a pair and admits to you he wont be marrying you. Until he takes full responsibility for lying about it and feel remorse at how hurt you are. Instead of gaslighting you and dismissing you - like you're a child.

Stonking post, @phizog

And yes, to this:
It's like he sees you as just a vessel to have given him kids, not your own person.

A vessel he has consistently lied to, & financially abused.
By controlling & obfuscating the unfair "just the mortgage" vs: "everything else" division of payments between them, he has manipulated OP into being the Default Parent - i.e. the one who "has" to work part time because he refuses to pay his share of childcare costs, & she cannot afford those costs solo.

He's got her in a superb double bind - because it's clear she believes he will leave her if she presents an ultimatum about marriage, so he's sitting pretty with the upper hand emotionally, & a cleverly constructed financial cage that benefits him if OP stays, & penalises her if she leaves.

He doesn’t want to get married. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you but he doesn’t want to get married. My Partner left his wife for me and got divorced. He proposed to me after I suggested the child I was carrying took my surname as we had already had a daughter together who had his surname . after our new son had registered his surname on the basis we were going to get married he decided marriage really wasn’t for him. It’s upsetting to think that someone doesn’t want to marry you. You can’t make them. You can leave them of course if you choose or as my partner kindly suggested I could always change my name by depol. I politely declined this offer. I don’t want his name if he doesn’t want to Marry me and I am sorry that my children have his name even though we are together (for now) they should have my name, I think that unless you are married they should have to take the mothers name rather than a mother being forced into giving the child the fathers name - we do this because we are under the ridiculous illusion that the father wants to marry us (he doesn’t). I would recommend to anyone if you are not married give your kids your surname put your foot down. Don’t be fooled by someone promising to marry you. I don’t like having a different surname to my children but the most hurtful thing is when your partner wants to be with you but refuses to marry you (especially after proposing and asking your dad etc… but then not letting you tell anyone he has actually asked you or that you said yes and in fact “let’s not tell anyone about this but obviously our next child will have my surname won’t he?” It’s awful.

my partner told me he stayed in a relationship with his first wife because she threatened to kill herself if he left and then he married her because they had had a daughter and she wanted to have the same surname as her child. How kind of him - it didn’t Stop the affairs ge had but she did get a great deal when They divorced - one advantage of marriage I guess.

I do wonder what twisted mind proposes and asks your dad to marry you with no intention of doing so, resulting in simple humiliation and disappointment by a family who were expecting a wedding but yet again realising that the youngest daughter wasn’t good enough for anyone to actually go through with it. It is hurtful and demoralising.

I guess this may go some way to explain my lack of self confidence that has riddled my life.

anyway. It sounds like he doesn’t want to get married and therefore you have a choice. You accept you are not going to get married but you are happy with him or you leave him because you are not happy with him. Appreciate this is Easier said than done. Not getting married isn’t a reason to leave. Being unhappy is, you just have to find the strength to walk away and that is the challenge.

sorry have taken This opportunity to vent and hope your situation is better than mine!

You don’t have to get married but you really should be nice to the person you are committed to. You have a right not to marry and it doesn’t need to negate a relationship if you are not. It may be disappointing but not wanting to get married is fine if it is understood by both parties, just don’t play around with peoples feelings. If it is clear from the outset that the relationship is longstanding but marriage is not something you ever want to do then that is understood. Promising marriage in order to get your own way is unkind and deceitful. Even though I Hate the idea of a wedding ceremony and the public display of affection and commitment I am in truth devastated that my long term partner doesn’t want to marry me. I see it as a reflection on myself and my worth and that even my partner who I have two children with doesn’t consider me to be worth marrying. It is wholly depressing and awful. Obviously it is their choice but I feel it so deeply, it is so upsetting. When people around you are getting married and openly celebrating their affection for each other you can’t help but question why you have never been allowed to celebrate your relationship - oh yeah might insult the ex wife of 14 years ago, might upset the step kids who are now 31 and 27 and in relationships of their own. Or maybe it would upset the girl he had an affair during our relationship with when our daughter (now 13) was 2 and then the one he had an affair with when the son was 3 (now 7) gosh we wouldn’t want to upset them would we and who actually gives a fuck about me? No one. That’s it. No one.
the idea that someone might want me and love me so much that they are prepared to actually ask me to marry them - publicly (not in secret - sworn to never telling anyone) is something that I can only ever dream of. SureI see Insta or Facebook posts with proposals and joy and happiness I feel so happy for those people and I feel massive criticism of myself for not being someone worth marrying.It makes me really sad. i might get the courage one day to leave my cheating, rather unkind partner but I’m not convinced I will ever be worth marrying.