Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

Well it was great to get the answer so quickly. Money!

He's using Covid as a reason not to get married, you could use the pandemic for a reason to get married.

Say that none of us know what is round the corner, if one of us ended up on a ventilator the other needs the legal rights that marriage gives.

Say you feel vulnerable if something happened to him. You are the mother if his children he should want to ensure you are financially protected because of them. If you are going to be together forever it makes so much more sense.

If not get the 50 documents organised in his account. You need something.

You need it for the kids.

Anyone else in this position, don't have kids first or at least say you will not give them the man's surname until you are married.

There is more to the world than your own experiences. There is a lot I have never experienced myself, or have a particular experience of yet I wouldn't make generalised and offensive comments to a large audience of people whose circumstances I have no idea about.

Anyway, I'm off to see my lovely children off to school and start work so that I can pay my mortgage on my own.

He has really never had any intention either of marrying you. He has really led you down a blind alley here at your overall expense but you also have to take responsibility for how your life is now.

It would not surprise me if the mortgage was actually in his sole name and I note also money from your account mainly covers the childrens items. I think he has never wanted to share nor will he ever share. He has the vast amount of power and control here and you all too freely gave away any and all power and control you had in this relationship.

My ex husband said exactly the same as yours in the early days when we talked about what we wanted for the future.

Throughout the years together he had continued to tell me his hearts greatest desire was to marry me but 'life' kept getting in the way.
Eventually I think he felt that if he didn't propose I would leave so he did. I had never expressed an ultimatum but internally was beginning to think about whether what he was saying was true compared to his actions.

He had various excuses as to why he was acting like such a twat in the wedding planning phase. I tried to postpone twice and even attempted to call it off once and each time he sobbed and pleaded with me till I agreed to forge ahead.

I think a big part of me was hoping that after the ceremony things would go back to how they had been before - which with hindsight and therapy wasn't actually good at all anyway! I felt that chasm of knowledge sucking at me though, in my deepest of hearts I knew my fears that it was all smoke and mirrors were true but even then I was convinced that it was just some sort of cold feet on his part and he would be fine again soon.

I never shook the feeling that I had forced him into it which he knew was a massive fear of mine.

On our honeymoon, which he didn't want to have, he told people we met and the people who's cottage we rented that were just there on our holidays.

It got progressively worse when we got home and when he wasn't subtly sabotaging me he wasn't giving me the silent treatment.

We tried counselling where he played the confused but loving husband, he just didn't know why he had acted as he had etc etc. I became very depressed, we argued all the time and he was a passive aggressive shit. It was death by a thousand cuts for years before we got married and I hadn't properly realised but it really escalated after the marriage and I just couldn't not see it anymore.

Shortly before we divorced he confessed that when we were dating he had told me what I wanted to hear because he wanted to be with me and didn't really care how he went about it. He never wanted to marry me but that once we were together he didn't see any reason to come clean about his real feelings because basically he didn't care about mine.

Looking back I'm sure if someone he liked better had come along he wouldn't have had a problem jumping ship faster than I could blink and in fact his girlfriend after me was an old friend he had mention-itus over and had started to spend time with every now and then - how cliche.

Don't be me @Spinstermum take your agency back, he's already told you what he wants to do by doing nothing. Stop waiting for him to change his mind or be less of a coward and tell you the truth is that he doesn't want to get married.

What do you want to do?

@Spinstermum

Yes English is not my 1st language. Also I was tired last night writting this. I'm almost 40. I had a lot at our house contract. There's only his name for the bank details and he obligated stated that the mortgage payments is going to be taking off from his account.

Oh god, he knows exactly what he's doing if he has the mortgage payments coming out of his account only. You have no claim on anything. If he leaves you tomorrow, you're fucked, OP.

As a matter of urgency, check if your name is on the mortgage deed, it's a legal paper that shows you have a share of the mortgage. Check if you are on the title of the property. I have a feeling you aren't. Which means you are paying towards something you legally have no ownership of.

The hospital records are not next of kin. You are just an emergency contact. It means you will be contacted to make medical decisions but if he dies, his property, assets, money will not legally come to you. His blood relatives will have a claim.

I think you need to get legal advice ASAP on how to protect yourself. Given how he's set up the mortgage, I don't think he wants you to have an equal claim on anything. That's why he isn't getting married. He wants to be able to walk away without giving you a fair share.

*he was giving me the silent treatment that should say.

@Spinstermum

Yes English is not my 1st language. Also I was tired last night writting this. I'm almost 40. I had a lot at our house contract. There's only his name for the bank details and he obligated stated that the mortgage payments is going to be taking off from his account.

Oh no OP, are you saying the mortgage is in his name only??? Do you realise this means you personally don't have a stake in your property? If you were to split now, your DP would only have to pay CMS, and that's not very much at all.

You need to start getting your ducks in a row today.

Doesn’t necessarily mean the house is only in his name because it comes out of his account. When you get mortgage statements are both names on it? You really need to find out if the house is in joint names

Agree he doesn’t want to marry you. Don’t wait for it to happen if it’s that important to you, because it wont

So it's his house basically?
Sorry but I think you lost everyone with your downright rude and offensive comments. If you don't get your act together you might find yourself in a shitty council house with scooters in the park next door. Be careful.
Earn your own money. I struggle to understand why if you need and should be earning your own money - don't use your children as an excuse as to why you are not working. I've worked since all of mine have been 6 months plus. It's not an excuse don't use it as one. If you're a secret millionaire and don't need to work fine but I don't think you are.

Yes English is not my 1st language. Also I was tired last night writting this. I'm almost 40. I had a lot at our house contract. There's only his name for the bank details and he obligated stated that the mortgage payments is going to be taking off from his account.

Where is your husband from and where is his family. Where is your family. As others have said, it's very unlikely the house is in your names. Have the children got passports? If so, where are they kept?

Oh yes I wasn't allowed to have my name on the tenancy agreement either OP, apparently even after we married it would just be a 'formality' and 'too much hassle to sort out'

And another confession from exH was that he didn't want to get married because he would have to give me a settlement. However he put it 'in case you ran off with my money' which was nice to hear In reality I walked away with far less than my fair share just because I wanted out and quickly!

I'd rather live in "a shorty house from the government" than force someone into marrying me, or indeed he married to someone as judgemental as you

*in both of your names

*shitty

What is his parents marriage like?
What are the relationships in his family like?
Do you have savings to cover the type of wedding he mentioned wanting?
Did he have a significant relationship before you?

You need to go back to work and he needs to do 50% of the childcare costs and 50% of the parenting and housework.

When he complains and says you should stay at home explain that you won't because you aren't married and have zero financial security. Start paying 50% of the mortgage and tell him he can pay the other bills - switch them into his name.

@Spinstermum

I want to do something about it but don't know what. Please help. Should I give him an ultimatum?Should I ask him for his reasons why his not doing it or should I be angry or should I ban him for sex lol

After reading details here about your finances, the number 1 thing you need to do is get legal advice.

I think your partner has strung you a long, and you didn't see it because you trusted him and felt close to him. You probably thought he was thinking of both of you as a team and thinking about your welfare, whereas he was putting himself first.

I'd say be didn't marry you because he wanted hold the power, the cards in this relationship. He managed to have children with you which put you in an even more vulnerable position and now there is very little chance, if any of him marrying you, and he knows there is nothing you can do about that.

I have no idea wether you actually own the house with him or not.

Bit honestly, what do you want people to say.

Marriage is incredibly important to you. But you didn't pursue or, further than a chat and had kids anyway.

You don't want to ask him. You think he should because you are too shy. But aren't bothered about a proposal. You want people to talk you what to say to convince a man they don't know to marry you, nevause you are desperate to marry. But it wasn't important enough to refuse to move in and have kids. You won't give an ultimatum, incase you end up as a 'shitty single parent' that you look down and judge. You do realise that alot of these single parents are in a fat better position than you are, don't you?

Its like you want something, but don't actually do anything about it and expect other people to sort it. Whilst thinking you are in someway superior to single parents.

Fwiw, you have no experience of single parents. All you have are judgements you have made based on your own prejudices.

OP: please please get a full time job. Keep your earning prospects up, build your own pension, build some savings.

Tell him that women who are not married cannot afford to be financially dependent on a partner in any way.

Because it is TRUE. It is too much risk.

You are both thinking too much about the romantics in this.

You could have given the kids your surname, he could have changed his name to yours, you could have registered the kids with both your surnames. You could, in fact, change your surname to his by deed poll if you wanted… but goodness, how much does he want his way without making any effort or commitment?

OK, you are happy with the way you are together. But the truth is he is not taking your wishes or concerns seriously. So stay together but LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. As you are not married you have NO claim on that pension he is nicely building, while you work part time to care for his kids….

@Pinetreesfall

So it's his house basically? Sorry but I think you lost everyone with your downright rude and offensive comments. If you don't get your act together you might find yourself in a shitty council house with scooters in the park next door. Be careful. Earn your own money. I struggle to understand why if you need and should be earning your own money - don't use your children as an excuse as to why you are not working. I've worked since all of mine have been 6 months plus. It's not an excuse don't use it as one. If you're a secret millionaire and don't need to work fine but I don't think you are.

I think this is very unfair. The Op is clearly an immigrant and so you can't judge her views on benefits and council houses the same as someone who has grown up here. The fact she's left her home country to move here means she's obviously looking for a better life for her kids - and so the thought of having made a big move only to end up exactly where she was in her home country can feel daunting. Also the welfare system here is complex to understand for anyone who hasn't grown up here. And most economic immigrants would do their utmost to not end up using it - because if you're an immigrant, by nature you're extremely aspirational. Or you would have stayed in your home country.

It would feel the equivalent of you having moved to another country, where you were always married and financially trapped, and suddenly had to navigate the bureaucracy and legalities. And you weren't completely comfortable with the language either. And grew up in a more traditional culture where you just trust the man. So maybe her language isn't the most sensitive (but English isn't her first language anyway) and I think it's wrong to shame someone who is in a crisis especially if they're not a native.

@todaysdilemma and if she doesn't know she shouldn't judge. Those comments are disgusting. I've never lived in a council house but I wouldn't be so judgmental or rude! It's not just me that found it pretty offensive.
Maybe I wouldn't put myself in that position so that's why I see it like that.
I was a single mum for 7 years but always worked because I knew what the consequences are otherwise - you should only need to rely on yourself. I still stand by what I said - having small children is not an excuse not to work. He sadly won't marry her, she needs to help herself now before her situation worsens.

That may not be good about the house.

Please call a solicitor and get some legal advice. Ask a close friend to come with you or if you have close friends from your country ask if they know a good attorney.

Did you put any money as a deposit towards the house? Did you have to sign papers for the house?

[quote Pinetreesfall]@todaysdilemma and if she doesn't know she shouldn't judge. Those comments are disgusting. I've never lived in a council house but I wouldn't be so judgmental or rude! It's not just me that found it pretty offensive.
Maybe I wouldn't put myself in that position so that's why I see it like that.
I was a single mum for 7 years but always worked because I knew what the consequences are otherwise - you should only need to rely on yourself. I still stand by what I said - having small children is not an excuse not to work. He sadly won't marry her, she needs to help herself now before her situation worsens.[/quote]
Yes, of course she should work. And that's why she's being given advice to sort this out. But not every culture has a norm of women being independent, some are set up very traditionally. We have no idea where she is from. On the basis that she is clearly not born here, she should be given leeway for her thinking, especially when our own media is pretty horrible about life on benefits. People here would 100% think govt housing in my home country was awful, and even though I don't agree with it, I can understand why they'd think that and not get offended.

Also, as a non native speaker/immigrant on benefits she will get a lot more judgement and vitriol from our society than most - so her experience isn't comparable to anyone not an immigrant. But I don't want to derail this thread. She needs advice to get her out of this mess. Not a lesson on communication.

This is exactly what you do. He doesn't want to get married? Fine. But then he doesn't get the privileges of having a wife.

You focus on your career and he has to take on 50% of everything - parenting, cleaning, cooking, childcare etc. Stand your ground.

The kids have their name changed to double barrelled and if and when you get married, then they can be changed again.

You are not at his mercy. You have as much right to the life you want as he does and you have more power than you think.

My ex was the same. 3 kids in he kept coming with excuse after excuse. Nothing was in my name. When I left, he didn't give me a penny and I had to start from scratch in my 40s. A few years later I have a house (my parents helped me) and a thriving career.

He's now engaged to a very very wealthy woman. Because he knows that if they split up, he will be better off.

I wouldn't have minded the not getting married or sharing of assets bit but if I had known then I would have carried on working and we would have been on equal footing.

So just as he can stall the getting married, you can also stop being a wife until he decides to make you his wife.

And don't let him talk his way out of that. You are not asking for anything unreasonable. So stand firm.