Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

He's been able to fob you off and kick the can down the road all this time.

I would book the registry office in the next month or two when you can.
Then tell him afterwards that you did. His response will tell you all you need to know.

If his answer is no, then you need to drastically change course. Go back to work. He can pay for childcare too. You have a degree and a career, focus on that and your children first. He can be 3rd place or whatever as that is what he is doing to you.

Stop doing everything for him. He doesn't get all the benefits of having a wife.

After a while you'll have savings and your career will be on track and at that point you won't feel like you have to stay.

@Spinstermum

I can't give him ultimatum. I have too much too lose. My kids are going to lose a great house. I'm gonna get shitty house from the government for single mum's. Then neighbours who's on benefits not working drinking having low standards cheap school. I want my kids to have a good future. I want to sacrify for them. I have to. How do u say I'm not his next to keen when he put my name on? Not sure about his insurance.

Please don't speak about people in council houses like that.

How old were you both when you started a relationship? How old are the dc? You only mentioned that you “became friends at 27” and I’m figuring out how long you’ve been together.

If you’re in a happy relationship then there’s no need to make a huge ultimatum - marry me or leave. Similarly, if you’re not in a happy relationship then you don’t have to stay.

You should propose and organise a registry office date. Then have dinner and/or drinks with family and friends afterwards.

OP

I think you are fucked.

Check you own 50% of the house legally, because I would bet a good chunk you don't and have just believed what he says

book the registry office and tell him if he is not there, then you are done.

You’ve taken a huge financial risk working part time when you’re not married: whatever you decide about the relationship would seek to work full time asap and increase your personal earnings and pension.

‘I don't work full time as I have 2 little kids. Can't afford nursery more than part time. Until they don't start school I have to look after them’

No! Your partner became a father too and should have shared parenting and childcare costs. He can still do so.

He has become a parent and at least maintained his earnings, at your direct expense. Wise up!

He doesn't want to

Regardless of anything else, you need to sort out the situation for when he dies, because at some point both of you will die.

At the moment you have nothing sorted to protect yourselves when that happens (if you plan to be together forever you will have to deal with one of you dying)

If you die he could lose custody of his children. It's not automatic that he'd get them as you're not married.

If he dies, your fucked.

Get a will. Educate yourself on the legal situation and present that to him. He might become a bit keener to sign the one bit of green paper after that

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free

You need to go to a lawyer and get some of the protection marriage gives you legally written up: wills, next of kin, name change for dc, etc etc (though he can change those should he want to). Take your house deads and mortgage and ask what would happen if you split or he dies!
Show him the legal implications of you not being married and say you want these even without the ring. If he refuses to sign these, you know it's not the marriage that is his issue, but the fact he wants to remain financially separate from you and not share what he considers his.

Agree with pps, you need to get a joint bank account for bills such as the mortgage, you need a ft job and he needs to pay his share of the outside childcare, and do his share of the housework and looking after the dc once you start work. At the moment he's got all the advantages of not being married. You have all the disadvantages- reduced salary, reduced pension, different name to dc, no financial protection if he dies (his legal next of kin will inheritance his savings etc).

And do not be fobbed off with a shut-the-fuck-up engagement ring. You do not want an engagement - the is legally fuck all and could drag on indefinitely - you want a marriage or civil partnership date booked quickly.

And as pp wisely says you are sleepwalking into being a 'single mum on benefits in a council flat' should he decide to dump you in the future. So get that house deed advice and a ft job ASAP at the very least!

Just start planning the wedding. You don't need an engagement at this stage of your relationship.

The reason men don't want to get married is usually money....he is building his pension and savings and marriage means you are entitled to 50%. Without marriage he can walk away.

Please believe this. Why did you give up your job when he isn't commited to you?

I would get back to work full time and make him share childcare.

At a minimum please start paying into a pension for you. It's so important as you need to be saving before age of 40 and I assume you are mid 30s now.

Sorry OP, you set yourself up for this a very long time ago. He won’t marry you because he doesn’t have to. You have given him everything and still do so why bother signing a marital contract and give half of everything away to you now. As for single parents. I was one but I was savvy enough to keep my career going and not rely on a man. I live in a mortgage free lovely house, nice, sought after area, my daughter was raised with manners and respect and is doing great in her adult life. You need to take a look at yourself. Use your intelligence, get a job with the qualifications you have a d accept he will never marry you. You then have a chance to leave to buy a nice house in a nice area as staying with your partner who refuses to commit will be the end of your relationship down the line. You accepted too much at the beginning to please him and not rock the boat, these are the consequences of this passive existence back then. Sorry OP.

I have to wade in on the single mum thing. There isn't an automatic connection betwen being a single parent and poverty you know. Just as there isn't an automatic connection between being in a relationship and having a lovely house / school.

I was a single parent for a few years until I remarried. Worked full time. Nice home. Well educated DCs. It's important that you think about this as a) your views on this are so far off the reality and offensive, and b) they could be keeping you in a relationship that isn't a good one.

The time to get married (assuming you want to get married) is before you have children. Why would you want to have children with someone who doesn't want to commit to you?

But of course you can't travel back in time, and have sympathy for the situation you now find yourself in. Your bf could be stalling because he just doesn't want to marry you / at the moment he knows that if you split for any reason he will be financially better off than if you married (and of course you would be worse off).

Or it could be that he wants to get married 'one day' but is too lazy / doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

So - I suggest you tell him 'We've talked about getting married for xx years. It's ridiculous that you are stalling. I suggest we make sure we're married by xx date this year. If you say no, I'll assume you never want to get married. If that's the case I'll be re-evaluating our relationship as it means you've been lying to me, and stringing me along, for years, and are happy to see me suffer financially if we split. I'll also be taken all the legal steps I possibly can to ensure that I get all the same protections.'

If he continues to stall, go and get some legal advice. Explain the issue and see what you can do to protect yourself as much as possible.

He isn't married to you because he doesn't want to. It really is that simple. You've given him lots of different options and he still hasn't done it. If he wanted to be married to you, he would be

OP - look at it from his point, where’s the benefit in getting married ?
He’s got everything he wants right now, if he marries and divorces you he loses half of everything.
I’m with him, there’s no point.
I’m sorry he’s lied to you all this time.

I ask this kindly, and another poster has raised it, but I get the feeling English isn't your first language. Where are you from? Where is your partner from? Do the children have passports?

@Spinstermum

I'm sorry if offended someone. I see many single parents or people with problems all the flats/houses given by the council are in a bad areas. Near my area I see kids are setting off the fireworks in children play park destroying it also broken glass everywhere ridding a scooter in a play park? I've not seen a good area in town where I live where single parents lives in nice environment. Sorry I'm just saying from my experience. I don't work full time as I have 2 little kids. Can't afford nursery more than part time. Until they don't start school I have to look after them. So when you put in a hospital or go records your parent's name as a next to kin then you are actually not next to kin in case of the accident or any decision?

Sorry, but you lost me with your offensive comments about single parents. You do know that children with parents who are together can be badly behaved too? I am a single parent, I work and my children are lovely, well behaved kids. I own my own house and my ex husband had an affair so I find myself divorcing. But I did have the foresight to marry him before I had my children so i am not in the crappy position now that you find yourself in.

Yes English is not my 1st language. Also I was tired last night writting this. I'm almost 40. I had a lot at our house contract. There's only his name for the bank details and he obligated stated that the mortgage payments is going to be taking off from his account.

I only made a comment about single patents like that as I was speaking from my experience.

Sorry it’s a bit early for me too, so the house is in his name only then?

You need to find out if your name is on the deeds to the house.
If not, you’re fucked.