Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

How is this thread still fucking happening?

What do you want us to say to you that we haven’t already said?

Total wind up honestly.

He didn't propose so now what are you going to do?

Did you get the papers back from the land registry to see if you actually own the house?

@Spinstermum

I got myself into this not by choice but it was long terms relationship started by friendship. There was no rush of getting married that time as we were together for so long happy so I knew marriage is going to happen. So we were getting on with our life house kids ect. Now it bothers me that we are not married a lot. I'm ready to take us to the next level I need more of this relationship need to feel secure

Of course you got into it by choice. You chose to have children with a man to whom you were not married.

He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old

This is also a load of baloney.

How come this thread hasn't been taken down yet! 🙄

I won't be taking about it I have a question about something else which some of you might know the answer. He wants to put the wills in place to protect me and kids in the future so his share of the house will go directly to me and kids not to his family first. So they won't be considered as they might agree to take his share so I might be left with no place to live. We are jointly owners. I proposed him to go for cohsbitant agreement instead. In Scotland, a cohabitation agreement is a legally binding document that can set out, for example, the main financial arrangements of the parties, clarification of property ownership by the parties and a mechanism for the division of assets in the event of the cohabitation breaking down. They also do wills and all sort of things. Are any of you are familiar with this?

I'm confused, are you Scotland or England?

Are you going to stay with him despite him still not proposing?

Yes I think I'm going to stay with him. I have a life with him kids and everything. It's too late to start all over again especially in my age. I'm in Scotland.

Have you seen the deeds of the house from the Scotland land registry? if you are joint tenants then the share will go to you if he dies. It sounds like you are tenants in common if he is thinking about his family getting his share?

can't believe you can't answer this straight question after literally months. I am beginning to see why marrying you might take more than 10 years...

I read a contract. It says jointly owners not tenants in common. We purchased it together equally. But it also says neither of us automatically get the other person's share. So it means if I die He WON'T get my half of the house. If he does the same I WON'T get his share. So it works both ways. We are 50/50 in this. We need a will. So we are getting it.

We will put a will in place. I already been to the solicitor. The question is what next. I want to be able to decide in case of any illness or accident in the future when he will be in hospital. But I can't. Im not alowed. He told me I'm his next to kin. I know some hospitals won't accept it unless you are married. I don't want his family to decide for me. Where can I put this? In a will?
In case of split, he needs to pay child maintenance. He doesn't has to pay anything for me as I'm a stranger by law not his wife. There s no document I can sign to cover that one.

What's about recognition by society? Can I call him a husband ? Even if his not. I applied for a couple jobs recently. I had to put an option that I'm 'single ' on the application as there was no right description for my relationship. I felt awful.

Dbl barrel surnames for my kids will sounds bad. I wish I could do that. Unfortunatel it won't go together.

Child maintenance has no bearing on whether you are married or not. He’s obligated to support his children. You could get pregnant from a one night stand and that’s still the case.

That’s so weird that job applications ask for marital status. How is that relevant. But on official forms you can’t say you’re married when you aren’t as it has a legal definition. But socially, who cares: “This is my partner, Bob. This is my husband, Bob. This is my best friend, Bob. This is my live in lover, Bob”. Eh, socially I don’t care how people introduce the person, I just need a name so I can say “nice to meet you, Bob”.

Why he doesn't want to marry me?
Sorry, we don't know. Only he does, & he's not telling you, because he knows you won't like the answer.

He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress.
What a patronising arse.
And a deceitful arse, considering you are clearly unbothered about dresses & would be happy to get the paperwork signed at a Register Office. He's making out you want the full Insta Wedding crap - when he knows the reality is that you want the experience & benefits of marriage, not a Speshul Day being told you are pretty ffs.

At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect
No he doesn't.
That was the excuse he manufactured to lure you off the scent of his refusal to go to the Register Office & get the job done.

Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment.
😂😂😂

Did he, aye?
NOT laughing at you OP. Laughing at him, & the other 94,000 DP's saying exactly the same thing in mumsnet threads ...

What else I can do/ say?
DO:
Set yourself some thinking time. As long & as often as you need - no distractions, a notebook & pen if that helps you think. Challenge yourself to find the answer to the sad question .... "is this my dealbreaker?"

If it is not, then the sadness is that you need to accept the status quo, & that your desire to marry does not trump his desire not to.
If it is, then the sadness is that you are going to have to split.

SAY:
If it is NOT a dealbreaker, you have to tell him all the things that are required for you to accept that marriage is not on the cards. See PP's legal & financial points above. Ensure each point is well covered & your interests are protected. Shell out on very good legal advice to ensure this.
(I know this will hurt - but to be blunt, you should be prepared to spend the equivalent sum of a wedding on your own legal costs. You don't want to get shafted by a man who has form for deceit stringing you along, a few years down the line, do you?)

If it IS a dealbreaker - spend some money on that expert lawyer BEFORE you tell him it's over. In the same way, ensure any potential exposure you have is minimised & you don't get shafted when the assets are divided. Consider the childcare split, CMS, who is paying who for what on an ongoing basis.
Get all of this buttoned down in your head, & confirmation from your lawyer about your share of the mortgage/equity etc is watertight BEFORE YOU TELL HIM YOU WANT TO SPLIT.

There is going to be a degree of pain for you either way. But you're in pain now, & I don't think you are going to be able to sustain it indefinitely. So you need to decide whether to bite the bullet, which bullet to bite, & accept that either way, you have an urgent need to find some cash & spend on on legal advice.

Alternatively, your resolve may wake him up, & he'll grudgingly allow you to get hitched.

Just ... don't tolerate any bullshit about proposals or dresses or being pretty. You don't need a fucking proposal - you need either a marriage license, or a more complicated structure of legally binding documentation covering your interests in the apparatus of your shared lives, DC, & accommodation.

Job applications DO NOT ask for marital status. If they do they are contravening the equality act of 2010.

However, they could ask for this on a diversity monitoring form. This form is separated from the application form prior to shortlisting. It does not form part of the recruitment and selection process. The contents will form part of your employment record if you are successful.

He only pays the mortgage I pay for everything else

But you also say the monthly mortgage sum is very small, as he put in a large deposit, (which is, rightly, legally ringfenced solely to him.)

Who decided that the childcare costs were all down to you? & then decided that they were "too expensive" to allow you to continue in full-time work?
Let me guess ... is it the same man who is cheerfully paying a small mortgage on an appreciating asset, cheerfully working full-time accruing cash, pensions & employee benefits ... while his partner pays for everything else?

That deposit he put down for the house may have seemed generous to you. It brought down the monthly repayment cost!
It's not generous. The deposit money is appreciating at the same pace as the value of the house is appreciating - & YOU are locked out of that appreciation by the ringfencing. But HE benefit by having a smaller mortgage cost, which he was oddly keen to pay solely from his account, & even keener to use as an excuse to make you pay for everything else.

Meantime, your income is reduced to part-time because somebody has decreed that childcare is your job, not his, & to pile insult on offence - the things YOU are spending your money on are disposable. There is no appreciation on money spent on food, bills or childcare. Once it's spent it's gone. The only security you have is a presumed water-tight ownership of 50% of any increased equity in the house EXCLUDING the ringfenced deposit money.

That's a shitty return on your domestic labour & part-time income. While HE is sitting pretty on an appreciating asset, not having to pay for childcare, bills or food. Makes me wonder how much he assumes that the domestic load is all down to you too. I'd lay a bet he's lazy round the house & you do everything.

Don't imagine he doesn't know all this.
Of course he does. This is why he won't marry.

For crying out loud stop pleading with him & find the money to visit a lawyer.
Because this - I'm his next of kin - (are you? Chinny reckon!) -
is about as believable as his glib assurances that you should not worry your little head about the details & don't need to see evidence of insurances, pension, Will, etc.

Start protecting yourself OP, because I am so sorry but this man will financially ruin you if you don't get yourself back into a full time career path pronto.
You are going to need to set up your OWN pension, insurances etc ... maybe even your own mortgage one day, because the one you are sharing now sure as hell isn't fair to you.

I'm sorry, do you realise why is none of the well meaning advice not getting through to you?

It's because you are being abused by your partner.

You remind me of my late mum who was abused by my father during their marriage.
She was the wealthy one, and he spent decades abusing her until she was a shell of a person. If she hadn't had died first he would have left her in old age in utter poverty, it was so heart breaking to watch as her child. I just couldn't protect her, she just had no strength to leave him.

Your posts are painful, did you not bother to read the 600 replies?

no, you cannot make his family not be next of kin.

you want ‘recognition from society’ for having a boyfriend? 😄

Thank you. Good to know. That’s how it is in Australia too and has been the case for my entire working career (since mid 90’s). I was shocked by some of the questions UK forms asked when I worked there from 2002, but I thought that would be long changed since.

So what I should say to him? How i can ask him to marry me without hearing all the excuses?

People tell you who they are and what they want through their words but also their actions. His silence whenever you mention getting married or buying a ring tells you everything you need to know. I don't know why he doesn't want to get married but he clearly doesn't. If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now, sorry

But he showed me an emails with this woman talking about buying a ring for me talking about all details ect. So there's no hope? I know now financially we could never afford to save up for wedding. It's not like we won't have money. We will. But chosing priority . It's more important to spent money on house kids school every day things than wedding. So I know we will never put any money towards party. That's why I want to only sign the documents. Not even the ring.

Sorry about language I was in rush. I just don't know why I'm unhappy so much because I'm not married. Without it, or without wanting it so much I think I would be satisfied in my relationship. I don't have anybody to talk about it. Sorry I'm constantly on this thread. I just want to be happy.

Get some counselling to talk this through with a professional so that you can then make a decision.

Either you stay with him and park the marriage issue permanently, accepting the truth - he absolutely doesn't want to marry you.

Or you end the relationship because you can't get past the issue.

I would be ending it personally as this doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic and he's moved the goalposts a lot to keep you hanging on. But that's just me, everyone is different.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor? You don't seem willing to consider the possibility this can't be resolved by you simply asking him to do it in a magical 'right' way, but maybe seeing a professional would help you see that.