Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

The question should be why would he want to get married?

You stayed with him, gave him a family and made him a comfortable home. He got all that without giving you what you wanted. There is no incentive for him to change...

I know this sounds harsh but if getting married was a deal breaker you should have put your foot down when you were thinking of having kids with this man and told him that it was either marriage or you would end the relationship. Instead you gave him all the power...

I would suggest making it clear to him that you expect him to keep his promise and marry you this year and start making plans. Tell him you will leave if he does not and you have to mean it!

You CAN afford to work full time if he puts in more money to pay for child care.

This is your power.

Tell him that as you are unmarried you need to be financially self sufficient so need f/t job and pension contributions. And he will have to pay the childcare for half the week.

DO check your house sale contract. Are you named as the buyer? Are you named on the mortgage?

If you bought as ‘Joint tenants’ if he died the house would belong to you. If you signed a Deed (drawn up by the solicitor and that you would have signed) to buy as ‘Tenants In Common’ then if he died you would only own the percentage named, probably 50%. And as there is no will your (his) children would probably inherit his half.

[quote Pinetreesfall]@todaysdilemma and if she doesn't know she shouldn't judge. Those comments are disgusting. I've never lived in a council house but I wouldn't be so judgmental or rude! It's not just me that found it pretty offensive.
Maybe I wouldn't put myself in that position so that's why I see it like that.
I was a single mum for 7 years but always worked because I knew what the consequences are otherwise - you should only need to rely on yourself. I still stand by what I said - having small children is not an excuse not to work. He sadly won't marry her, she needs to help herself now before her situation worsens.[/quote]
I didn't read her comments as judgemental in the way you did and I have lived in many council houses.

Some of them are really not in good areas.

Also agree with the PP who you are replying to. There's also the racist bias shown against immigrants who 'take council houses from people who were born here' mentality to deal with as well.

I think when you are in what you think is a long term, committed and equal relationship some couples do have one partner spend some time as a SAHP. When both people are working towards the same goal with similar values and love and respect each other this works.

In the OP's case it might be that her DP has subtly been making life harder for her to go back to work since having the DC.

Frankly I'm finding you a lot more judgmental than the OP/

I have been living in UK for about 18 years working full time all the time. When out 1st child was born I dropped out to work part time as I NEED to work otherwise I'm going to lose my licence as a professional I trained for. We decided that I'm gonna continue to work part time until kids are going to go to school full time so I can go full time to work. Our grandparents are doing a childcare for us now as nursery it's too expensive . After paying off the nursery I'd be left with no much income not enough to buy food and this for kids. So there was no point for me to work full time. Part time working then having grandpatents to look after kids it's much better help. He only pays the mortgage I pay for everything else.
I'm looking at our house contract details now.

I'm not trying to be a twat here but have any of the posters who are saying 'put your foot down' and 'make him do xyz' actually tried to make a fully grown adult pay for or do something they insistently didn't want to do?

I've never met someone who's been able to do what you are suggesting in the situation described by the OP. It invariably ends in a life of abject misery for the person in her position as they try and make it work or they leave with not a lot to their name and have to claw their way back.

Not once have I ever heard of a woman saying 'I told him he was going to have to pay for xyz from now on because I wouldn't do it alone anymore. I really put my foot down!' followed by 'and now he does exactly what I've been telling him to do for all those years because it turns out I just wasn't being assertive enough'

Sorry everyone, I'm clearly a bit grumpy this morning.

I was offended by op's comments too. Judgemental is judgemental regardless of where you are from.

I am a single parent, not through choice but making the best of what I have been dealt for my children. I don't live in a council house but I could have easily found myself doing so if things had been different. I have very good friends who were brought up in council homes and they are the best people I have ever met.

Telling someone not to be offended or hurt by hurtful comments isn't ok.

@FAQs - thanks for speaking up for us single mums. Another single mum here with a good (full time) professional job, own house in good area and dds at good school. Single mums are not like some sort of characters out of shameless- while I can’t generalise completely we tend to be more self sufficient.

I've gone back and re-read the comment and I still can't see where she's been judgemental.

She's told you what the council areas around her look like and it is a fact that some tenants are addicts or have significant mental health issues.

She clearly wasn't intending to be hurtful and she wasn't saying anything ignorant.

Again I have lived in council houses for a good portion of my life. I have mental health issues not that it makes any odds, they don't affect anyone else but I've lived in areas like the OP describes where there is broken glass everywhere, needles, people have used every corner stairway and lift as a toilet and there is often loud fights or noise at all hours and some of the children are really sadly neglected.

These are just things that are true, it doesn't mean that council tenants are all like that! I've had more lovely neighbours than awful ones thankfully but my sister hasn't been so lucky for example.

The OP was hardly saying it was beneath her or that council tenants are scum.

Anyway @Spinstermum definitely get your financial and legal stuff in order. I'd LTB if I were you.

@Sunshineandflipflops - not at all that I think anything is wrong with a council house (although good luck trying to get one these days). I was brought up in a council house by my single mum who was hard working and me and my siblings all turned out well.

@TheGrinchsDog - the judgemental bit is the bit about “shitty houses for single mums”.

So, how much money does he have left over each month after he's paid for the mortgage, and how much do you have left?

Can I ask which country you are from, please? I'm not being nosy, but it might just be the case that there are lawyers/advice centres who are best placed to deal with the cultural problems you are possibly facing here. I'm sure we could search for such help for you if we knew where to look. I'm choosing my words carefully so as not to offend, but you do seem to be in a rather vulnerable position.

Is your husband a UK national? And what about those children's passports?

So based on the contract we jointly purchased the house. Both our names are on the minute of agreement. He put his deposit down (borrowed from his mum) as I didn't have that kind of money. But he insisted that I will write a prenup saying that the deposit will be repaid to him. Any other payments will be spit equally between us. So if the payments comes of from his account then does it mean I won't get half?

As you know, you should of insisted on marriage before kids, but that boat has sailed. Now you've lost that bargaining chip, you need to gain a new one, which you can do, you have time. If I were you, I'd not bring up getting married again, it sounds like your relationship is quite solid and works well. Enjoy family life together while the DC's are young, hopefully your DP is a good father and plays an active role in their lives - sounds well I know, but to a degree, that happy family life will be your next available bargaining chip.
Stick with the plan to go back to full time when the DC's are in school. It won't then be a choice of current house of current house or council house - maybe smaller house, but still ok. By showing him you have the power and ability to go it alone if you need to, it backs up the family bargaining chip, he needs to believe he could lose it all due to his lack of action.
Basically, you are going to have to play an even longer game than you have already.

His oryginaly from UK. Not foreign.

He only pays the mortgage I pay for everything else.

He is buying himself a house whilst having everything else for him and his children paid by you. If you split he has a house, AND whatever he has saved because he has not had to pay any bills, and you have nothing.

That is the financial position. This is what he has chosen to do. Can you start to tell his parents, your parents and all your friends that this is what he is doing? Don't keep his shameful secret for him. Let the light in, OP. Let everyone see what is happening.

You can book a solicitor for a couple of hours to go through with you exactly what agreements and contracts need to be drawn up and signed by you both to equal the single contract of marriage.

OP, you are a mother now. You need to find your inner tigress and fight for your children. It isn't just about you anymore.

@Spinstermum

I have been living in UK for about 18 years working full time all the time. When out 1st child was born I dropped out to work part time as I NEED to work otherwise I'm going to lose my licence as a professional I trained for. We decided that I'm gonna continue to work part time until kids are going to go to school full time so I can go full time to work. Our grandparents are doing a childcare for us now as nursery it's too expensive . After paying off the nursery I'd be left with no much income not enough to buy food and this for kids. So there was no point for me to work full time. Part time working then having grandpatents to look after kids it's much better help. He only pays the mortgage I pay for everything else. I'm looking at our house contract details now.

Why do you think it’s your responsibility to pay for childcare? Are they not both of your children?

@TheGrinchsDog
Sorry you’re feeling grumpy, hope your day improves. I think it’s perfectly possible to ‘put your foot down’ as a woman. I told my now DH very early on that I wouldn’t buy property with him or have his children until we were married. I wasn’t saying it for fun, I meant it, and I was true to my word. I also mean it when I’ve told him that if he ever laid a finger on me or cheated (not that he would!) that would be the last thing he ever did to me. Additionally I told him that I would only be a SAHM if I had full access to all money and joint names on house, savings in my name and never made to feel ‘less than’. If he hadn’t agreed to these things I wouldn’t have married him or had his children. It really is as simple as that.

They are both of "ours" children mine and his. He told me he won't pay for childcare as his paying mortgage and bills so that's enough for him. So asked his parents to look after one child. Another goes to nursery for free. He said if I want to go to work to do more hrs then I need to cover nursery from my pocket.

Actually I take back what I said.

Do not marry this man.
Leave him instead.

You should still get half as your name is on it. Proof of who pays what is pretty irrelevant if you are not married. If you did sign an agreement to give him the deposit back, you will have to take that off your half equity share, what's left you could use as a deposit on a new place should you need to in future. If he sees it's feasible at the time, that you could go it alone, there's more chance of him stepping up, if he can't see you mean it when ultimatum time comes, he'll just ignore you again. Basically, he's a tight arse who clearly believes that the money he earns should be his alone and not family money. He sees you and DC's as separate to him, which is why you have ended up paying for everything to do with the DC's and it sounds like his only contribution is paying the mortgage.
I'd be checking that any monthly outgoings he has don't undercut the household expenditure that you have monthly - he could well be squirreling away a tidy stash at your expense. Fair would be a joint account for all bills, mortgage and food and clothing , all family expenses where you both pay in, but your amount is a percentage based on what you earn against what he does. If it's turning out that you are forking out a lot more than you should monthly, he's got it made, and he knows it.

TheGrinchsDog

“I'm not trying to be a twat here but have any of the posters who are saying 'put your foot down' and 'make him do xyz' actually tried to make a fully grown adult pay for or do something they insistently didn't want to do?

I've never met someone who's been able to do what you are suggesting in the situation described by the OP. It invariably ends in a life of abject misery for the person in her position as they try and make it work or they leave with not a lot to their name and have to claw their way back.

Not once have I ever heard of a woman saying 'I told him he was going to have to pay for xyz from now on because I wouldn't do it alone anymore. I really put my foot down!' followed by 'and now he does exactly what I've been telling him to do for all those years because it turns out I just wasn’t being assertive enough “

I 100% agree with this . You cannot force someone to step up and pay their way etc just as you can’t force someone to parent their child in fact I shake my head in despair when I see people telling posters that if they split up ( usually because the man is a lazy bastard) she will get EOW to herself . No, it doesn’t happen !
When exh and I divorced more than 30 years ago he was awarded eow and I night during the week . He did not ONCE have our DC to stay over . Now adults they rarely see/ speak to him .
Sorry that you are in such a difficult situation OP but I agree with others and return to FT work .

You should both be paying towards everything proportionate to your earnings you are the mother of his DC for goodness sake.

As the house deposit comes from his parents I personally wouldn't have an issue with it being ringfenced to him at that fixed amount in £.

If he works days
Can you work evenings & weekends or nights ?
Then you can share the child care

What about the pension and life insurance? Am I covered? I only get some from my part time work. He increased his pension in his full time job I know.

I would be substantially increasing your PENSION contribution to what it would be if you were full time including the employers contribution because he is denying you the opportunity to earn full time and benefit from the pension.

It will mean you have less £ but you will just have to say I can't afford xyz to him when food runs out and you can't pay bills he will have to starting paying out more.

His attitude towards you and money is unacceptable